Artemis Fowl: The Eye of the Basilisk
by EvilExpressions
Summary: [hiatus] Artemis Fowl crossover.
1. feathers and french toast

_Author's Note: Hey, this is the REWRITING of my planned Artemis Fowl-Harry Potter crossover series. In which the twelve-year-old Artemis receives a Hogwarts letter. To the reviewers, sorry I didn't wait for your response. Hope this is up to standard and not as confusing._

_Disclaimer: I am fully aware of the time gap, that's why everything concerning the HP and AF timelines is a bit AU. Also, I own zilch._

* * *

**Chapter I: Feathers and French Toast**

* * *

**June 10th.**

_Artemis Fowl the Second _

_The Dining Room _

_Fowl Manor _

_Rural Dublin, Ireland_

Artemis Fowl II eyed the newly-cleaned letter that lay innocently on the desk before him. Had the letter been capable of human thought and emotion, it would have cowering in a corner out of sheer terror. Instead, the envelope, now completely syrup-free, remained where it was, emerald ink twinkling slightly as it caught the light.

The bearer of the letter tried to ruffle its feathers, but found them glued together. Try as Juliet might, she couldn't get the sticky, thick liquid out ofthe eagle owl's wings. Artemis had no sympathy whatsoever for the bird; after all, it was its own fault that it had flown too fast, timed its landing wrongly, and ended up smack in the middle of Artemis's French toast.

_Dear Mr. Fowl,_

_We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. While the timing of your acceptance is irregular, the delay can be attributed to various circumstances, particularly the lack of available vacancies in Irish magical schools. As the Headmaster thinks it appropriate for you to be enrolled in second year, with others your own age, you will have to undergo a crash course in first year magic before the start of term. Granted, two months is a rather short period of time for one to learn first year magic, but given your I.Q., we are confident that you will be able to complete the course_.

_I myself will be taking you to Diagon Alley tomorrow to collect your supplies. The coin in the envelope is a Portkey that will take you to Hogwarts Castle, and activates at the word 'patronus'. Enclosed is a list of all supplies and books required for second year._

The letter was signed Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress.

Artemis's first thought was that the letter was a juvenile prank pulled by Foaly. Surely it was no problem for a smart pony like him to create such a letter, especially with all that technology. If what he'd read on the LEP weblog was true, Foaly was an expert at forging handwriting, especially that of Julius Root and Holly Short. (Apparently Foaly had used that ability to play a prank on Root and Captain Short, in which both officers had received love letters from each other. As expected, Foaly suffered severe physical injuries for his moment of fun.) Yes...that would be it. A feeble attempt at revenge from the LEP, and, of course, laughter would probably ensue when they caught him going off on a wild goose chase for a non-existent Hogwarts.

But what if it was real? If Minerva McGonagall was more than a figment of a centaur's active imagination? Artemis doubted that education would be slowed simply because of a lack of availability of places in schools. He closed his eyes and concentrated, trying to do_ something _with this...magic of his. If he didn't have magic, no big loss; it was only good for him that he hadn't mentioned the letter to anyone yet.

Artemis's first thought of magical use was a time-stop, but the idea was dismissed immediately. His mother would be confused as to why it was ten-thirty for two hours, and unwanted explanations aside, he probably didn't have enough power. Levitation would be best, for now. He turned to face an empty teacup on the desk top, and closed his eyes.

CRACK.

Artemis opened his eyes and found that everything in the room except the teacup and desk had shot up at such an alarming speed that they were pressed up against the ceiling. Somehow, after the wandless magic, Artemis felt oddly drained, but not so much that he couldn't move. Concentrating again, he brought himself and the furniture down, deciding that he wouldn't be trying any magic for a while. At the very least, Hogwarts was clearly no hoax, and he left the room to inform Angeline Fowl of this discovery.

* * *

_Review if you liked it. Flames are not accepted, but constructive criticsm is. Much thanks._

--EvilExpressions


	2. vauthorn

Reviews and Replies are, as always, saved for the last bit. The Spiritflask makes a comeback in this chapter. Poor Arty...

Artemis: Don't call me Arty, and what exactly do you have in store for me?

Me: Something bad. Now get back on the screen.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything, and Artemis is NOT the Half Blood Prince. He is also NOT the Heir of Slytherin. Hey, we all know he's filthy rich too, so let's make him richer, eh? :-)

* * *

Chapter II: Vauthorn

* * *

Angeline Fowl sat at her desk, perusing the thick parchment that was her letter. There were plenty of hidden meanings in it, but the majority of them were made clear. Especially where the sender had warned her that should Artemis fail to comply with the instructions in _his _letter, all of his memories that pertained to magic would be removed, with a possible risk of a drop in I.Q. Blackmail, was it? The Fowls were certainly dealing with a sly bunch of wizards here. 

The elegant lady kneaded her forehead. Was this a sign? Some sort of omen that superstitious people talked endlessly about? She'd had an odd dream last night. Being cast out on the Irish streets.The dream had ended quickly then, with a woman leaving a necklace around Angeline's neck, with a key for a pendant: the silver chain had been threaded through a hole in the top of the key. It was identical, Angeline remembered, to one that her smiling mother had given her at age twelve. An old, ancient-looking silver key with a V just below the hole, with a flame pattern curled around it.One and the same? Who knew.

Angeline still kept the key, locked away in a drawer since her mother's death. Now, as the dream came to her for the first time, she remembered the woman. Long, waist-length brown hair that bore great resemblance to Angeline's raven locks. Warm hazel eyes and the general face shape also bore resemblance to Angeline's. Angeline was starting to wonder - there was a possibility, albeit a tiny one, that the female could be her _real _biological -

"Mother?"

Artemis stood just outside the room, a parchment clutched in one hand.

"Yes, Arty," Angeline forced a warm smile. "I know about it too. I received a letter somewhat similar to yours, but unlike yours," she added mischievously, glancing at something slightly to the right of Artemis's legs, "the messenger landed smoothly."

Artemis looked downwards. An eagle owl, its matted feathers still stuck together with syrup, walked stiffly in, glaring balefully at the boy.

Angeline laughed. "Would this Minerva McGonagallmind if Juliet and I were to accompany you and Butler to this Diagon Alley?"

"I'm sure she wouldn't." Artemis glared back at the owl, and most decidedly got the better of the exchange.

* * *

The sun was shining on the shoppers that wandered the paths of Diagon Alley, dressed in heavy robes and cloaks even on the warm day. Four of them, led by a stern-looking lady with squarish glasses, were decked out in identical black cloaks - Butler's flapped around the back of his knees. The five of them were bound for Gringotts Wizarding Bank, to exchange some Muggle (Irish, in this case) currency for some golden Galleons. Artemis wasn't in a good mood. Who knew wizards had cosmetics? Juliet had been sidetracked and (almost) gotten lost twice, resulting in mass panic on Butler's part. Yes, Artemis _definitely _had to cancel Juliet's subscription to _Seventeen_. 

His mother had been acting odd too, casting glances around and surreptitiously slipping something silver into her pocket when she thought he wasn't looking. Artemis hated when his mother kept secrets from him - very hypocritical of him, really, considering what he knew about the LEP.

Although he wouldn't be admitting it to anyone any time soon, he was impressed by Diagon Alley. Flourish and Blotts looked intriguing, with those gold-plated books in the display window. Following the arrow sign that said 'to Knockturn Alley' had interesting prospects as well. As he continued on his way, he distinctly heard a worried mother tell her small child, "Now that's Knockturn Alley, Gilbert. Don't go there, that's where all the bad people and criminals go."

"Ga-ga!" Gilbert said happily.

Bad people and criminals. Sounded like Artemis' type of place, he thought, smirking as they finally reached Gringotts. Standing just beside the bronze doors, clad in a scarlet-and-gold uniform, was clearly a goblin. He bowed them in and they were faced with a second pair of doors, this time silver. Engraved in curling, elegant script were the words:

_Enter, stranger, but take heed_

_Of what awaits the sin of greed,_

_For those who take, but do not earn,_

_Must pay most dearly in their turn._

_So if you seek beneath our floors_

_A treasure that was never yours,_

_Thief, you have been warned, beware_

_Of finding more than treasure there._

"Now," McGonagall spoke loudly so that all of the party could hear, "you must take note of those words. It's just a rumour, mind you, but I've heard that dragons guard those vaults," she finished, eyeing Artemis pointedly.

A goblin who'd just shown someone out was scrutinising Artemis, and, after glancing around, went up to him. Artemis hung back a little to speak with the goblin, anticipating boredom and exasperation while he explained the definition of the word 'definition' to it. He was slightly taken aback, though, when the goblin greeted him in fluent English. "Very well. And you would be -"

" - Rufik. Like the good madam leading you and your company said, heed our warning. We goblins know of you, and I personally doubt if anyone under the earth has not. My advice to you is to stay far away from the vaults, if you know what's good for you," he finished ominously.

"Ah. I presume your race is considerably more intellectual than your underground cousins, judging by the fact that this bank is functioning splendidly?"

"No competition there, Master Fowl. We goblins have powerful magic of our own, and our enchantments are stronger than most."

"Artemis?" Angeline was calling her son. "Arty? Hurry up!"

Artemis glared at the goblin. "If one word about my humiliating nickname reaches the pointy ears of Captain Short..."

"I keep my word," Rufik said. "Oh, and Arty, just so you know, we have a nice number of Hungarian Horntails prowling the bank."

Artemis strode forward to stand beside his bodyguard, who was ever curious about the conversation. "Artemis, what did the goblin want?"

"He was simply describing in great detail the lengths that the vault-guardians will go to in order to keep out unwanted intruders."

"Ah. Not threatening you, was he?"

Artemis didn't bother to respond, for he was observing the exchange of words between McGonagall and the goblin - or rather, the item between them. A bronze key. Angeline, too, was staring at the item. Suddenly, in a softer voice than usual, she started speaking to the goblin. "Please ignore what she said on changing Muggle money. I wonder, does this key mean anything to you?" Having said that, she deposited an item on the top of the goblin's desk; the same silver item she had taken earlier. Artemis assumed that this was a key.

The goblin's thin eyebrows nearly jumped off his face. "By Frond," he whispered, examining the key as if to determine its authenticity. "How did you come by this, Mud M- Muggle?"

"I - I was given it," Angeline said, getting a bit nervous.

The goblin nodded. "So you wish to open the Vauthorn Vault?"

* * *

Artemis and Juliet had serious migraines by the time they exited the cart. The journey had taken many twists and turns, as well as steep dives, rather like an unhealthy magical version of a roller coaster. McGonagall had taken the cart with them, but had left some time ago, on account of 'prior engagements'. Artemis took her words with a grain of salt - she had looked a bit green, and Artemis very much doubted if she was telling the truth. 

Juliet was having a difficult time walking straight, and was humming U2's loud track 'Vertigo' to herself. Artemis was extremely shaken and didn't really want to think, let alone in sophisticated vocabulary. Angeline, however, seemed to have enjoyed the ride greatly, for reasons Artemis couldn't comprehend. Then again, he probably couldn't comprehend a self-written computer program, what with the state he was in.

Rufik had maintained a stoic face throughout the journey. Now, he dismounted the cart nimbly and moved over to the Vauthorn Vault, also known as Vault #818. He then stroked the thick magical barrier in front of what was presumably the vault. The barrier dissolved to reveal a large door with no keyhole. Rufik moved closer to the door and murmured something soft in Gnommish. Unfortunately, it didn't quite escape Artemis' excellent hearing. The password, his motion-sick brain noted down, was _Reconnaissance_.

The door split itself into two along a line that had previously gone unnoticed. At last, the group was faced with a brass door with a silver keyhole in the center, with a flame pattern around the keyhole. Engraved above it was the letter V. Around the V and keyhole were ornate carvings of what were likely to be the previous Vauthorns, absorbed in various magical activities - probably the ones they excelled at in their lives. Rufik pressed the silver key into Angeline's palm, beckoning her to open it. "Two and a half times anti-clockwise," he instructed. It clearly took all of Angeline's strength to twist it in the said direction, but she did. There was a series of clicks and the key was immediately ejected into Rufik's stomach. The Gnommish swearing was ignored by all as the door slid upwards to reveal the contents of the vault. Artemis was the first to step inside.

He was greeted immediately by a large mound of golden Galleons that would have lasted even a greed-filled person like Artemis a lifetime - two if you were frugal. Artemis picked up a coin and examined it. Definitely genuine, and highest quality gold to boot. All of it together was probably enough to provide for a small country. Beside that was a gigantic pile of Sickles and heaps of little bronze Knuts, as Rufik had told them. If that wasn't enough, there were plenty of jewels, enough to satisfy a mine of dwarfs. Diamonds, opals and rubies. _Lapis lazuli. _Beautiful. And all organized into squarish piles.

"I wonder what this does?" the not-quite-lucid Juliet wondered. Artemis was snapped out of his gold fever by the creak of a stiff, rusty lever being yanked down. Suddenly, ornate window-shaped (rather like the type one found in a church) blocks were retracted into the walls. Out of the new hollows slid stone statues of what were probably the Vauthorns of old. All of them, however, had been painted in full colour. Add in the dark lighting of the vault and it made for a spooky atmosphere that horror movie directors would have revelled in - the statues looked strangely alive. The statues bore weapons that differed from each other's. Swords, _katana_s, crossbows, daggers and longswords made the scenery so much more imposing. The names of the people after whom the statues were modelled were engraved into the front of the platforms on which the statues stood. Glowing in white.

"Impressive statues," Butler commented.

"And a lot of money and jewels to go with it," Rufik agreed.

CLUNK!

Juliet had somehow wandered into a wall. As she slid down, she dragged another lever with her. This one wasn't as old or rusty. On the contrary, it was smooth and well-oiled. Artemis glanced around quickly, to see what other secrets the vault had concealed within it. He didn't have long to wait.

In the very center of the room rose up a simple wooden table. Balanced on it, with supports like those of a toy chemistry set, was a single, small vial, with a blue and green mist inside it. It could have been Artemis' imagination, but the blue and green seemed to be ... _fighting _each other. Set in the opening of the vial was a blue diamond, the exact shade of Artemis' eyes.

When Artemis looked back on this memory in the years to come, he berated himself for letting the migraine get to him. That was a forgivable sin, if not for the fact that he had, in his delirium, walked forward and uncorked the vial. That was an entirely different matter, and one that would plague him in the years to come.

The blue and green mists suddenly fused as one and engulfed Artemis. Coughing slightly, he was faintly aware of falling to his knees. Perhaps he was still a bit sick from the ride, but he could have sworn he saw two others, two ghostly forms, in the blue-green smoke.

The mist was the last thing he saw before he blacked out.

* * *

Artemis: WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME? 

Me: Er...nothing! Yes, that's exactly it! Nothing! That's right!

Artemis: It's quite obvious you're lying.

Readers: No, not a cliffie!

Reviews, please. (Gives readers a big puppy eyes look, at which the readers and potential reviewers back away in disgust.)

Mysterious voices in chapter three...

..."One of my more unusual combinations. Cedar and dragon heartstring."...

..."Shut UP, you old hag!"...

Place the two voices right and get a cookie. (Readers eye the author's empty cookie jar.)

--EvilExpressions

Oh, and if there are any spelling errors, BLAME IT ON THAT &$$ QUICKEDIT! It's sticking words together where they're not supposed to be. If I missed any, sorry.


	3. the third floor

**Oh, and if there are any spelling errors, BLAME IT ON THAT &$$ QUICKEDIT! It's sticking words together where they're not supposed to be. If I missed any, sorry.**

GOMENASAI! I totally forgot ALL about the reviews last chapter!

A Troll – Uh, to tell you the truth, the wandless magic is more of a hindrance than a help. Example one: Arty uses a wandless _Petrificus Totalus _spell and it freezes everyone and everything in the vicinity including himself. Example two: Same as one, but Arty can move. Example three: The spell takes effect on everything but the target. Example four: the spell only affects him. So Arty will be sticking to wands.

Loonygrl90 – I'm fine, don't worry 

MuggleBuddy – Arigato.

Kiharu-sama – Aah, an anime fan. I'm biased towards Fruits Basket and Yu Yu Hakusho, myself. ;)

And to all the rest of you reviewers, thanks so much for reviewing (bows).

And to all who've read Fruits Basket and know who Akito is, sorry, but I've been reading it a bit too much, so there'll probably be some similarities between Arty and Akito. And this chapter is a slight crossover for those who read Fruits Basket – Theodore Nott and Haru are quite alike…sorry.

Half a cookie to all of you who guessed Ollivander, and the remaining half to me, since nobody guessed it was going to be Neville Longbottom.

Chapter Three: The Third Floor

Artemis woke up and blinked. He was surrounded by pure white on all sides. For a moment, his head was invaded by a highly irrational thought: _Artemis, you're dead, you've gone to heaven, and you've just woken up to enjoy it. _But then his cold, rational side took over. _No, I'm not dead; I'm probably just in a hospital of some sort._ _If I'd died, I'd be in hell, not heaven. Obvious, really._

Once his vision had cleared, Artemis took stock of his new surroundings. He was lying on a hospital bed in between two others. Opposite him, on a wall, was a bronze plaque. Emblazoned on it were the words:

**'Long-Lasting' Serene Stimpson Ward**

**Potion and Plant Poisoning **

**St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries**

Ah. A magical hospital then.

"Hi," said a boy on his right side. Artemis immediately shifted himself away from the boy, whose skin was a terrible shade of lime green. As Artemis looked on in fascination and disgust, the lime green changed colour to deep green, and then to light green. The boy himself had a plump, forgetful-looking face and wore a welcoming smile. Even if the boy's teeth hadn't been mottled green, Artemis wouldn't have returned the greeting.

"I'm Neville Longbottom," the boy said. "Nice to meet you. What's your name?"

"Artemis Fowl the Second," Artemis muttered, resting his head in one hand. He could almost feel a fever coming on. "What happened to you – Neville?"

"Well, I was trying to brew a potion – I've been practicing so I can up my Potions grade a couple of notches – and it blew up in my face for some reason. I woke up the day before yesterday – that was when you came in. You looked like you were having a fit or something." Neville seemed out of breath from his little speech. "So, what happened to _you_?"

"I had a bad reaction to – a potion ingredient," Artemis improvised.

Neville nodded, evidently having swallowed the lie. "So did Blaise Zabini. She's in the bed over there. What time's it anyway?"

"Ten-twenty. Why?"

"Better wake her up. Healer Snape wants us all awake by ten-thirty to take our respective medicine. She's a real tyrant, that one." Neville hopped out of bed and crossed the room to Blaise's bed, where the hangings were drawn. With more energy than Artemis would have presumed possible, Neville flung them open. "Rise and shine, Zabini!"

"LONGBOTTOM!" Blaise's screech rang in Artemis' ears. She had long brownish-blonde hair and teal-coloured eyes.

"Not so loud!" Neville said hastily. "Otherwise Healer Snape –"

The door banged open to reveal a haggard but mean-looking old woman with a beak-like nose.

"– might hear," Neville mumbled.

"HOW DARE YOU! You insolent little brats! Making a racket like a starting pistol right beside our most important wards where there are patients in greater need than you! DOES NOTHING PENETRATE THAT THICK SKULL OF YOURS, LONGBOTTOM?" Snape promptly rounded on Artemis. "AND YOU, FOWL! AWAKE I SEE! WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP THEM?"

Artemis' head was ringing with both Blaise's and Snape's yells.

"Shut up, you old hag!" Neville muttered loud enough for Artemis and Blaise to hear, a look of mixed anger and fear on his face. Unfortunately, it didn't quite escape Snape's ears.

"What was that, Longbottom?" Snape's voice was suddenly very dangerous. Neville gulped.

"I apologize," Blaise said smoothly, "if this idiot of a Longbottom here has caused any trouble. He was, you see, merely referring to my screeching like a banshee out of pure shock. He's just a moron, ma'am, I'll teach him."

Snape growled, but made no comment. As Artemis would later learn, Blaise was a practiced liar. "Fowl! You take your medicine – now!"

For someone raised on gourmet food, the vile concoction was almost too much to stomach. Nevertheless, Artemis choked down the sticky drink, trying to keep the disgust off his face. He suspected that the potion would hinder instead of help whatever illness he'd been diagnosed with – he felt very much like vomiting.

After much unwelcome (and unnecessary) fussing on Healer Snape's part, she finally left the room. As soon as the door clicked shut, Blaise jumped out of bed. "You should thank me, Longbottom. I saved your hide back there." She then noticed Artemis. "Oh, didn't see you there. Who're you?"

"Artemis Fowl the Second," Artemis replied calmly. Blaise scrutinized him before nodding.

"I'm Blaise. Slytherin house chess champion, Transfiguration class failure and distant cousin to many annoying brats."

"Nice to meet you too," Artemis said sarcastically.

"Yeah, and you. What school do you attend?"

"I'm a second year student at Hogwarts. Irish transfer."

"Oh. Muggle-born?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Yup, you must be. You don't even know what Muggles are."

"Do enlighten me," Artemis said frostily. Blaise grinned.

"Man, you could be a Slytherin, if only you weren't Muggle-born. Still, it might be nice to have some new blood around here for a change."

Neville looked a bit put out at being excluded from the conversation, but suddenly smirked – not a pretty image on his plump face. "Zabini, don't go too far with Artemis. Nott's going to be _so _jealous."

Blaise scowled at Neville. "For your information, Longbottom, Theo is NOT my boyfriend!"

"Theodore Nott's a boy, and he's your friend, so he must be your boyfriend."

"Childish argument," Artemis said tiredly. For once, nobody paid attention to him.

"Oh yeah?" Blaise said innocently. "What about Hermione Granger, then?"

Now it was Neville's turn to go red. Blaise, it seemed, had won. Artemis changed the subject. "So, who's Theodore Nott? And Neville's apparent crush, Hermione Granger?"

Neville was a nasty shade of puce by now.

"OK," said Blaise. "Theo's my closest friend (don't smirk like that, Longbottom). Basically, he's bipolar and bleached his hair white this summer, for some reason. He's a bit eccentric."

"Nott," Neville said thoughtfully. "Isn't he Malfoy's best friend?"

"Used to be. Theo gets lost easily," Blaise explained. "So he needs written directions to all his classes. Malfoy played a prank on him once. Gave him directions to a forbidden third floor corridor. Theo says there was a three-headed dog behind it. It bit Theo's right arm off and scratched him everywhere else."

Neville winced. "Nasty thing."

"Yeah, well, Theo turned Dark on Malfoy."

Neville's eyes widened. "D-Dark? He turned to the Dark side?"

Artemis leaned forward to hear more of this.

"No, you moron. Theo's normally in eccentricity mode – I call it his Light personality. But when he's upset or hurt in some way, his anger manifests itself in Dark Theo. Theo hexed Malfoy beyond all recognition, and then decided to beat him up – Dark Theo's very violent, you see. Malfoy spent a week in the hospital wing. Mind you, he wasn't missed. Theo never forgave Malfoy."

"That sounds like a cheap soap opera to me," Artemis said vaguely, now focused on revising his Bashkir Maneuver.

Blaise and Neville stared blankly at him. "What does soap have to do with opera, and how is that related to Theo?"

Artemis sighed. "Never mind. Blaise. Earlier, you claimed to be the chess champion of Slytherin house?"

The girl brightened considerably. "Hell yeah! You up for a challenge?"

"Certainly."

Neville turned to Blaise. "Five Galleons to me if he wins."

"You're on."

Six moves later, Neville was happily pocketing five Galleons. Blaise shook Artemis' hand. "You're good – quite smart. Cunning strategy. I'd say you'll be in Slytherin."

"Ravenclaw," Neville countered. "He's not evil enough for Slytherin."

"Another five Galleons on that?"

"Sure."

The next hour was filled with Neville playing chess with Artemis (and losing badly), Blaise discussing the different classes and clubs, and Artemis taking in all the information and storing it away for later use. Neville was just losing to Artemis again when the door opened to reveal an old man with long white hair and a beard that was tucked into his belt. In his arms was a ratty, patched-up old hat. The old man was closely followed by McGonagall and the Butlers, Angeline Fowl behind them.

"Hello, Mr. Fowl."

"Morning, Professor Dumbledore!" Neville said brightly.

"Hi," Blaise muttered, by way of greeting.

"Is that your new girlfriend, Artemis?" Juliet enquired, pointing at Blaise.

That stopped everyone and everything dead. Neville recovered first.

"Yes!" he said quickly. "She IS Artemis' girlfriend!"

Artemis turned so fast he cricked his neck. "Ignore him, please. He's delirious and doesn't know what he's saying. He was just informing us, in fact, about a little _escapade_ with Hermione Granger."

"WHAT?" Neville yelped.

Blaise concurred with a nod. "Neville here claims study time's a lot more enjoyable with Hermione around."

Neville stared, nonplussed.

"As enjoyable as all this is to watch," the one called Dumbledore said, "I have brought the Sorting Hat here for the purpose of placing Artemis in a House, as he will be unable to leave St. Mungo's until the end of the summer."

This did not sound pleasing to Artemis.

Dumbledore went over to Artemis' side and placed the Hat on his head. "I don't know if it'll sing for you. It's been reading smutty romance novels lately, you know…"

This earned stares from Blaise, and that was the last thing Artemis saw.

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"Hello," the Hat said.

"…Good morning," Artemis replied, still a bit confused as to the concept of a talking hat. The confusion evaporated, however, when the Hat spoke again.

"Let's see, cunning, ambition, perceptivity and intelligence. And a lot of intelligence. Maybe Ravenclaw? No, you're a bit too evil for that. But not that far gone, thank Merlin. You're not that tricky a customer. So you'll do well in SLYTHERIN! Have a nice day with your girlfriend."

"Hah!" Blaise exalted. "Pay up, Longbottom!"

Neville grumbled morosely as Artemis took off the Hat, glaring at it.

"And now, allow me to introduce Mr. Ollivander. I took the liberty of requesting his presence, and he has brought his entire stock in a Pouch of Unlimited Contents."

"Wow!" Neville said, momentarily distracted. "They're really rare! First edition!"

Another old man whom Artemis had not seen earlier came forward. He had silver hair and eyes, which scrutinized Artemis closely, making Artemis, for once in his life, feel embarrassed. He was holding a deep purple velvet pouch reverently, and removed a short stick from it.

Thus began a long search for Artemis' first wand.

"Holly and unicorn tail-hair, eight inches."

Artemis smiled inwardly, remembering the hot-tempered captain. He took the wand in one hand and concentrated.

The wand promptly exploded.

By twelve-thirty, Artemis had single-handedly destroyed the majority of Ollivander's stock. The man looked happy at having found a tricky customer, and yet dismayed at the fate of his wands. As it showed on his face, it looked quite odd. The others looked on interestedly – Dumbledore was heard to be muttering something about 'high power level'.

"Mahogany and phoenix feather?" Ollivander offered.

BANG!

"Ah, well. Never liked that one. How about this?"

BOOM!

"Hmm. Very tricky customer. Ah, here. One of my more unusual combinations. Cedar and dragon heartstring, thirteen inches."

"Try _'Elereous'_," Blaise suggested.

Artemis took the wand. Encouraged by it not combusting upon his touch, he spoke the spell. "_Elereous_!"

A bluish-white spark ignited at the tip of his wand. It grew and multiplied into a shield of sorts. When it touched the bed, the – there was no other word for it – force field sliced right through it, leaving Artemis in a ball-shaped shield. As the shield completed itself, which took less than two seconds, Artemis found himself hovering in the middle of it.

"Interesting," Ollivander murmured softly. "Very interesting."

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(munches cookies). Well? Enjoy it?

Reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews … I think you get the gist, no?

Thank you very much (speaking with a Japanese accent).

-- You know who I am by now, correct?

Oh, and if there are any spelling errors, BLAME IT ON THAT &$$ QUICKEDIT! It's sticking words together where they're not supposed to be. If I missed any, sorry.


	4. theodore, dark and light

Black Alice – Thank you very much, and Artemis is special. He does have the highest IQ in Europe, and about a hundred other achievements I'm too lazy to name.

MuggleBuddy – (gives a conciliatory cookie) Thanks.

Kiharu-sama – If you mean Yu Yu Hakusho, that's OK. Same goes for many people.

Clutchy – Nope, I'm not Japanese, though I'd love to be, because then I could read all the comics the moment they came out, and not have to wait for the Tokyopop translation. Yuki's the one that turns into a mouse. Haru's the bipolar cow. Akito is the head of the family, and the only difference between him and Artemis is that Akito gets sick more frequently and is more than a bit sadistic…

(I replay the sequence of events in my mind. Let's see, Blaise and Neville meet our dear protagonist, Artemis gets sorted, and gets his new wand – No, not that wand, get your minds out of the gutter.)

I'm just going to compress the rest of the summer into one chapter. After all, Artemis was cooped up till the end of the holidays, and Blaise is still sick with some allergic reaction (Healer Snape's medicine made everyone a bit sicker). Not to mention that nobody's quite figured out how to turn Neville back to his original colour.

Chapter Four: Theodore, Dark and Light

For the next ten minutes, Artemis was the subject of endless ribbing by Juliet about Blaise, 'the girlfriend' as Juliet dubbed her. After Artemis threatened to dock the blonde's pay for six months, Butler put in his two cents' worth.

"Did they actually tell you what disease you're down with?"

Artemis kneaded his forehead. "To tell you the truth, no. The medicine administered by the Healer rendered everyone too nauseous to speak."

"It's probably like a serious fever or something," Angeline said comfortingly. "It might have to get worse in order to get better."

"Indeed," said Artemis, still grumpy.

"Anyway," Angeline said, changing the subject, "since you're going to be stuck in here so long, I thought you might like another friend. I see you've already made two, but it's a bit late now, isn't it?"

"We Slytherins don't have friends," Blaise interjected. "We have allies."

Juliet raised her eyebrows. "Really? And it says that…where?"

Blaise snorted. "It's practically set in stone by my royal idiot of a third cousin and the ruler of Slytherin house, Draco Malfoy."

"Here you go, Arty!" Angeline said, oblivious to the conversation. Reaching downwards, some point behind Butler's ankles, she lifted and placed on the bed a slightly squirming bundle of black.

Artemis eyed it warily. Truth be told, he wasn't great with animals. All Fowls and Butlers present remembered all too clearly the violent little rabbit (named Tchaikovsky) that had been a birthday present for Artemis on his ninth birthday. The minute Artemis had opened the cage; it had shot out like a hyperactive cheetah on caffeine and taken an immediate dislike to Artemis. The dislike swiftly manifested itself in a vicious and bloody attack.

The black bundle uncoiled itself and stretched, revealing itself to be a black cat. Aside from its tail being a little bushier than most dogs', the cat had no remarkable features apart from its bright golden eyes. It scrutinized Artemis closely; head tilted to one side, before it leapt into his lap and curled up, purring.

"Aw," Angeline crooned. "He likes you. What are you going to name him?"

Artemis thought for a moment. What names had he gone through? Tchaikovsky the rabbit. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart the West Highland terrier (bit Butler's uncle and was killed by said major). Claude Monet the hamster that had the misfortune to scurry along a path beneath Butler's giant foot. Leonardo da Vinci, a chinchilla that had fallen into the massive grand piano while Artemis was playing a self-composed tune. All of them had died within a year.

"Machiavelli," he decided.

Neville coughed at the choice of name, but wisely chose to keep quiet.

"Professor Dumbledore requested I deliver your schoolbooks and equipment," Butler informed his charge, piling the said schoolbooks on Artemis' bedside table. "I took the liberty of purchasing a few extra books the shopkeeper recommended," the manservant said in an undertone. "Higher-level spells, I believe, for those much older and supposedly more intelligent than you. I've got a broom for you – the Nimbus Two Thousand and One. Latest edition."

"Good of you, old friend," Artemis replied, picking up _Moste Potente Potions _and thumbing through it.

"Oh, Artemis, do you think you could teach me how to brew a love potion?" Juliet inquired hopefully.

"Oh, don't say that," Neville shuddered. "Just imagine a lot of disturbed, testosterone-filled fan-boys stalking you."

"Sounds lovely!"

* * *

The rest of the summer wrapped itself up quickly. Neville's skin and teeth were back to normal, although his eyes changed colour more than once. Blaise was eventually moved to a public ward after ten days. Artemis was actually a bit sad to see her go. It was, although he certainly wasn't going to be admitting it to anyone, nice to have someone on the same wavelength as him – as far as cunning and evil went, that is. Healer Snape grew more vindictive with each passing day, if that was actually possible. 

Unfortunately for Artemis, he discovered just what he'd been diagnosed with sometime before Blaise left. Nobody had put a name to it yet, but it seemed to be an unusual hybrid of asthma and diarrhea. Artemis took Blood-Replenishing Potions every day, and, by the end of the holidays, had gotten rid of the diarrhea – which, he suspected, was caused by the Healer's foul medicine.

Finally, on September 1st, Artemis and the Butlers, plus Angeline, ended up in King's Cross with Artemis clutching a Muggle inhaler and scowling at everyone who stopped to stare at the strange group. Machiavelli, perched proudly on his shoulder, glared at the said passer-bys in mimicry of his owner. Despite Artemis' dislike of animals, he was starting to enjoy the feline's company. Machiavelli seemed to be the cat version of Artemis – only with claws.

"Right," Angeline said, looking at Artemis' ticket. "It says here you're to go to Platform Nine and Three-Quarters."

"Really," Artemis muttered, taking a couple of puffs from the inhaler. He leaned against the barrier unconcernedly. Suddenly, he felt something depart his shoulder. "Machiavelli?" The cat was hissing and clawing at what appeared to be thin air – except that the thin air was squealing. Artemis stared. "What –?"

"Gerroff me!" the thing squealed. There was a resounding _crack _and Machiavelli was thrown backwards into his owner, yowling. The effect of this was that Artemis stumbled backwards and fell through the barrier, landing on his back with a ruffled cat on his stomach. The guard at the gates ran forward to help him up (which Artemis declined, picking himself off the floor instead, careful not to spook Machiavelli), and not a moment too soon, as his luggage was thrown in after him. "Muggles can't enter the platform," the guard explained, going back to his duties.

"_Egoverto_!" Artemis intoned softly, pointing his wand at his new trunk. The trunk immediately floated a few inches off the ground; when Artemis moved, it moved too, following him around. A useful little charm out of _Saucy Tricks for Tricky Sorts: the Third Edition_.

Artemis boarded the train and walked along the corridor, peering into every compartment for a familiar face. There was a blonde boy who sneered at him as he passed (Artemis didn't actually think it was possible to heap that much hair gel on one head), three Weasleys, a burly Ravenclaw sixth year and finally, to Artemis' relief, Blaise and a white-haired boy Artemis assumed was Theodore Nott. He slid the compartment door open.

"Hi, Fowl," Blaise greeted him. Artemis nodded in reply and turned to her companion. "Theodore Nott, I presume?"

The boy reached out and shook his hand. "Nice to meet you." His tone was vague and rather misty. "I'm Theo." He turned his back on Artemis and dug around in an army-green backpack for a giant blood-red lollipop, which he started sucking on. Blaise, it seemed, had not been exaggerating as far as Theo's eccentricity was concerned. (Had Artemis been more informed about the magical world at that time, he would have realized that Theo had a secret love of Blood Pops.)

Artemis took a seat beside Blaise, observing Theo. He had a shock of bright white hair cut in elfin-punk layers, but he hadn't done a very neat job of it. Artemis had noticed earlier on that the hair at the nape of his neck was black.

They spent most of the trip discussing the inter-house politics and pointing out various individuals as they passed. "That's Milo Frankley," Theo looked at the burly Ravenclaw Artemis had passed some time ago. "He's a real pervert. Whenever he's flying with girls, he always flies beneath them to stare up their skirts. He's done worse, but I won't go into that." He then glanced at the window. "Bloody hell." It wasn't an exclamation, more of a simple statement.

"What?" Blaise asked. Artemis moved over so he could have a clear view. "Good lord," Artemis muttered. "A flying car." It was a Ford Anglia, low-class in Artemis' opinion; he was used to expensive Bentleys and top-of-the-line Range Rovers. Artemis opened his trunk and took out his new lunascope. Butler had chosen well; this particular lunascope doubled as a telescope.

"So what do you see in there?" Theo asked.

"A redhead, with so many freckles that he looks positively diseased."

"Ronald Weasley," Theo muttered. "And?"

"Another boy. Black hair, bright green eyes and a lightning bolt scar down the middle of his forehead. Harry James Potter joyriding. Who knew?" Artemis commented.

"They're doing a bang up job of staying hidden, that's for sure," said Blaise sarcastically.

"Blaise's specialty is illusion spells," Theo added to Artemis. "One of the best."

"I'm touched."

"Thank you."

Artemis folded up the lunascope and placed it back in his trunk, just as the door slid open.

"Hi," the girl said. She had bright red hair and large brown eyes. "Can I sit here? I don't want to sit with my brothers. They're all acting like every male who shoots me a second glance in the corridor is an evil, stuck-up terrorist in disguise."

Blaise waved her in carelessly. "Go ahead. And just so you know, Weaslette, your brother's up there joyriding with Harry Potter."

"WHAT?" the girl screeched. She sped over to the window and looked out. "Oh gods. He's going to get a Howler in the morning. Why didn't he take me?"

"Older brothers are like that," Theo said dismissively.

"You said it." The girl turned to our protagonist. "Hey. What's your name?"

"I'm Artemis Fowl the Second."

"Ginny Weasley."

"You're going to be in Gryffindor," Theo predicted.

"With all my brothers," sighed Ginny. "Maybe I'll go into Slytherin to annoy them. Imagine the look on their faces!"

Blaise grinned at that. "Yeah. Think Goldfish Malfoy."

The girls laughed. Ginny took the seat across from Artemis. Nobody could quite find anything to say after that. Artemis took out _Berlin Academy's Advanced Transfiguration_, Theo fell asleep, Blaise read Artemis' book and Ginny started writing in her diary, careful to keep it shielded from her traveling companions. Maybe I should start a diary, Artemis thought. Keep track of all my exploits and brilliant ideas.

Artemis was just getting the hang of _Esoterius _(a spell to keep one person confined within a bubble-like cage) when the door slid open once again.

The unwanted visitor was the gel-lover from earlier. On each side of him was a large, beefy boy. They'd be as big as Butler one day, but never as intelligent.

"So," the blonde sneered. "It's true. Slytherin house's very first Mudblood is on the train."

Ginny snapped her diary shut. The blonde noticed. "Ooh, look. What's Weaslette going to do to me?" He feigned pure terror of the redhead, speaking in baby talk. "Help, I'm so scared! Help! Mummy! Where are my bwothers? Waah!"

Ginny looked simply furious, but before Artemis could articulate a sharp retort, he felt his chest seize up with pain. Great. Of all the times to have an asthma attack, it had to be now, right in front of a wannabe-Fowl. Hearing loud laughter and taunts from the blonde's direction, he fished around in his pockets for his inhaler. Had he been looking in Theo's direction, he would have noticed Theo's hair turning a dark gray. As it were, he took a few puffs and looked up.

WHAM!

Theo had the new boy by the neck, and was lifting him up with a strength hidden by his pale, thin limbs. His eyes held an almost mad look, and a steely, ruthless glint.

"So, _Malfoy_," Theo spat the word out like it was a disease. "This is what the great Slytherin Prince is reduced to, eh? Taunting his juniors and insulting the sick. Wow, amazing. _You self-righteous prat!_"

Blaise met Artemis' eyes and mouthed at him 'dark Theo'.

"You probably couldn't survive a day without those single-celled Cro-Magnons that you call bodyguards. See, even when you're practically dying on the spot, they're still staring around and wondering what colour the sky is." Indeed, Malfoy's face was turning a lovely shade of aquamarine, and his cronies were still staring blankly at some point above Malfoy's head.

"Theo!" Blaise's sharp voice rang through the air. "Stop it. _Now_!"

"Blaise, d'you know what these uncultured geeks are doing?"

"Yes, and you'll be expelled before you've even gotten to school for killing a fellow student!"

After much pleading-cum-screaming from Blaise, Theo let go of Malfoy's neck. The Slytherin Prince slid to the ground, shooting Theo a look of utter loathing. "You'll pay," the blonde hissed. "_You'll pay for this, Mudblood-lovers!_" With that, the three of them sped out the compartment door – but not before Theo's booted (combat boots) foot connected neatly with Malfoy's behind.

"Interesting parting shot for someone who claims to despise Muggles. That variation of 'goodbye' can be found in countless Hollywood action flicks," Artemis commented.

"Holly-what?"

"Never mind."

Theo's hair was white once more – Light Theo was back in control. "Hey, I have an idea – heck, it's childish and immature, but we're barely out of adolescence."

"A revenge prank?" Blaise's eyebrows looked as if they would fall off her face.

"Don't worry. Thousands of immature fraternity males execute more perverted and childish pranks than the one I suspect Theo has in mind," said Artemis. (AN: No offence to any college/fraternity/sorority people reading this.)

* * *

_Dear Tom,_

_I've just gotten away from my annoying brothers. Hovering around me like the gnomes in our yard. It's enough to drive a girl mad. _

_I didn't see Harry on the train. Should I really believe the Slytherins and take it for granted that my idiot brother – well, one of them, anyway – is riding an illegal flying car to school with the love of my life? Well, not yet – I mean, the love-of-my-life thing, but I do hope Harry will realize that I exist soon. _

_Anyway, the Slytherins I'm riding with are kind of odd. One of them is what Hermione calls funks, or is it punks, with white hair and multiple ear piercings. Why would anyone want to poke little needles through their ears? It's just plain dumb. Hermione said it hurts like hell – direct quote; imagine the perfect, intelligent Hermione swearing. And there's a girl, Blaise Zabini, I think her name is. I love her hair! It's sandy blonde or brown and barely brushes her shoulders. I'd trade the red mop Mum calls hair with it any day. _

_The other boy looks a bit like Harry, although his features are more angular and his skin is whiter than parchment. He has the nicest eyes –_

_Oh gods, I can't be getting a crush on a Slytherin! Mum would have a fit. Must remember to stay true to Harry. Repeat: I cannot fall in love with a Slytherin, I cannot fall in love with a Slytherin. It isn't really working._

_Nothing's happening now, except that Zabini just put on some WWN. They're playing some song by the Weird Sisters, a cover of the Muggle band Maroon 5 or something. "Sunday Morning," I think it's called. Oh, darn, I'm babbling again and my writing's going all over the place because the train's shaking and you won't be able to read a word._

_I've got to stop now, Tom. We're getting near the school anyway. Not that near, but I have to go or the evil beings known as older brothers are going to be screaming bloody murder and running up and down the train._

_Love, Ginny_

Tom Riddle was seething with frustration. The last thing on earth he wanted to do was listen to adolescent girl talk. And judging by the fact that they were in a compartment full of pureblood Slytherins, one of them might figure out what he was and, god forbid, set him on fire. Why couldn't those damn Gryffindors start thinking about other people for a change?

* * *

No offence to any older brothers. 

Reviews greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

I've already written chapter five, but I'd like to see your reactions and stuff to this chapter.

Thank you to all my reviewers who stuck around till now.

Any spelling errors to be blamed on the QuickEdit...which has stuck words together where they're not supposed to be. At least from my experience.


	5. curiosity killed the cat

ARTEMIS FOWL: EYE OF THE BASILISK

I am having a lot of trouble keeping Artemis in high-class vocabulary.

chapter five: curiosity killed the cat

* * *

Artemis wasn't going to admit this to anyone any time soon, but he was impressed by Hogwarts. It was approximately twice the size of his manor, although once inside, everything started getting weird. 

The Entrance Hall was all very well, but it was what Artemis found inside that annoyed him. There was one word for the monstrosity that he now despised.

Poltergeists.

Peeves' name suited him to a T. The minute Artemis stepped into the Entrance Hall, the ghost had swooped someplace above his head and dumped a bucket of cleaning materials all over Artemis, mop and all. The worst thing about it was that the cold water was anything but clean, the mop hit Artemis right on the head, and the soap was old and fungus-ridden.

It was, therefore, a fuming Artemis Fowl that strode in to the Great Hall, the mop glued to his feet by Malfoy, whom Artemis had seen removing his wand before the mop attached itself to Artemis' new loafers. The students, who were trickling in to the Hall via side doors, sniggered at the unfortunate plight of the new Slytherin. Dark Theo had nearly come about again, had the bucket itself not hit him on the head. (Artemis would have removed the mop-charm earlier, but the only cure, sadly, was a potion.)

Blaise had dutifully spouted some choice words at Malfoy before the three of them took seats at the Slytherin table, as near to the High Table as it was possible to get. Artemis did the customary observing before sitting down again (the mop still clinging to his shoes).

Albus Dumbledore and Minerva McGonagall were there, apart from a dumpy little witch with flyaway, gray hair and very dirty-looking fingernails (even from Artemis' seat). She was Pomona Sprout, head of Hufflepuff House and Herbology professor. Next to her was an empty seat, and beside that –

"Good heavens," Blaise murmured. "Is that who I think it is?"

"Sadly, yes, it is," Theo sighed. "The celebrity guest star in this already chaotic excuse for a play. Figure of speech," he added, as Blaise shot him a blank look. "But literally on the celebrity part. Hopefully guest star too."

"Who is that?" said Artemis sneeringly. The wavy blond hair, bright sparking teeth and vacant blue eyes did nothing to improve the teacher's newfound status in Artemis' mind as a Dumb Blonde.

"Gilderoy Lockhart. Twenty-something, I think. He claims to have freed a village from the monthly terror of werewolves," Blaise explained. "I'll eat myself if one word of it was true. My mum and I were at the same village he 'saved' at the time, and I know for a fact that Gilderoy's grand rescue was all by some old geezer."

"He certainly looks the part of a fraud," Artemis commented.

"Lockhart is a fraud, but all the girls go gaga over him for some reason. Look at Granger. People say she's intelligent – just look at the expression on her face," Theo pointed at a bushy-haired brunette across the Hall.

Artemis duly looked at the girl. She was staring at Lockhart with a big, goofy grin and sparkling eyes that made her look like she'd just been lifted to Cloud Nine. The blonde teacher winked back at her and the other Gryffindor girls. They promptly swooned.

"It's just a celebrity crush. She'll get over it," Theo voiced his companions' thoughts.

However, it seemed that the entire female student body (with the exception of Blaise) had fallen hard and fast for the new professor.

Nobody in Slytherin really paid much attention to the Sorting, aside from cheering whenever a new House member was chosen. Artemis didn't even bother; he just continued charming his portable computer to run on magic. Dinner was a talkative affair on the new trio's part, as Artemis managed to out-debate – in 'high vocabulary', no less – both Theodore and Blaise on the subject of magical artifacts, like diaries that talked back to you, the existence of ghosts and various topics.

Blaise led Artemis and Theo down to the Slytherin common room after dinner – although Theo knew the way, he had fallen asleep on his feet. "It's a talent of Theo's," Blaise said as they entered a stone corridor. "He can fall asleep anywhere but wherever he goes, he somehow hones back in on the common room. Don't ask me how this fits in with his terrible sense of direction."

Artemis knew perfectly well how it fit in, but didn't bother saying anything. Blaise turned to him. "What's the password again?"

"_Serpensortia_."

"OK."

The stones gave way to form the entrance to the Slytherin common room. Artemis stepped inside, closely followed by Theo. It was absolutely freezing.

"Hope you brought lots of winter wear," Theo mumbled. Blaise shot him a strange look.

"That's the first time he's actually said anything sensible while sleepwalking."

Artemis had brought a knee-length black leather coat and a black turtleneck, but there wasn't much else apart from Armani suits.

"Don't go up to the girls' dorms," Theo quietly advised Artemis, pointing at the left staircase (AN: I totally forgot everything; I'm on vacation, bear with me here.). "I tried going up once, but the thing turned into a slide, screamed like a banshee and blasted me halfway across the common room."

"Point taken. Do not invade Blaise's privacy."

"That sounds about right." Blaise yawned. "I'm going to bed. Goodnight."

Artemis nodded in reply and ascended the right-hand staircase, tailing Theo. When they reached the first level, the two of them went through the door.

Five four-poster beds were spread out along the large room. Artemis' trunk was at the end of his bed, which in turn was at the furthest end of the room. Theo's was clearly beside his; there was a large box stuffed full of Blood Pops beside Theo's trunk. The hangings of each bed were deep green with silver trimming. Artemis went over and sat on his bed. It was extremely comfortable.

The excitement of the day finally set in, and Artemis collapsed on the luxurious mattress, not even bothering to take the mop off his shoes. It would have to wait till breakfast; for now, sleep was priority.

* * *

"Turn a beetle into a button they say," Blaise snorted, trying to keep her dung beetle still. "Seriously, anyone who can get this thing still long enough to transfigure it must be positively superhuman. Oh well, at least I don't have a broken wand like Weasley." Blaise was one of many that had had a good laugh at Ron Weasley's Howler. Artemis had been focusing on his toast in a supreme display of indifference. 

"You'd still wind up with the same results, Blaise."

Blaise hadn't been kidding when she'd said she was a Transfiguration class failure. Artemis had proved he was no failure – on his table rested three gradually growing piles of coat buttons. In three different sizes.

There was nothing else for him to do, so Artemis decided he'd get some sleep and proceeded to rest his head in his right hand. Bad move. Resting when you're sitting just in front of Draco Malfoy is not a good thing to do, especially if you have made friends – correction, _allies _– with the boy that is second on said Malfoy's hate list.

As it were, Artemis heard Malfoy whisper something. Less than a second later, Artemis' hand was encased in a sticky goo, not to mention stuck firmly to the side of his face. The good thing about this was that Malfoy promptly received detention – he had timed his spell wrongly and hexed Artemis in front of McGonagall. The downside? Artemis had to endure taunts, snickers and stares all the way to the Hospital Wing, and was twenty minutes late for Potions.

* * *

Artemis, being in Slytherin, received no punishment for being twenty minutes late. He settled down to brewing his potion with Theo, who seemed vaguer than ever. Taking this as a good sign, Artemis poured in the essence of belladonna without worry. He was met with the sight of a thick, frothy concoction (kind of like coffee), which he recognized as an acid that was non-lethal to humans, but could dissolve metal of any kind. Although brewing such a rare potion was a good thing, that day's Potions class had been brewing a Forgetfulness Potion – which was supposed to have been watery and steaming. 

"Theo!" Artemis hissed. "_Theodore Nott_!"

"What?" the punk asked, head suddenly jerking upwards.

"Did you do everything on the board?"

Theo's eyes traveled down the board. "Oh. No, I didn't. I missed out something on the second line. Never mind, that potion's bound to do something."

"Leaking through your cauldron, for instance."

Those six words got Theo up and out of his chair. He grabbed a spare flask from the store cupboard and poured the Ironburn Concoction into it. Thankfully, the flask was made out of glass, but there was no repairing the damage done to Theo's new silver cauldron.

"Professor Snape? Fowl and I just brewed an Ironburn Concoction, sir."

If Theo had been a Gryffindor, he would have been scolded and punished for disobeying the specified orders to create something new and more valuable. As it was, Artemis and Theo earned a round thirty points for their House on the spot.

"Ironburn," someone muttered. The redhead from the flying car. "Hah! What's the betting that stupid concoction doesn't exist?"

"You know, that's right. I've never heard of the Ironburn Concoction."

"See, Harry? Even Hermione hasn't heard of it. Does that _tell _you something about how much Snape sucks up to his rich pet Slytherins?"

"I assure you, Mister Weasley, that Professor Snape is not – as you so eloquently put it – sucking up to me. He was merely commending the proper brewing of the Ironburn Concoction, which, by the way, is a sixth year potion."

Weasley muttered something about show-offs. Artemis smirked.

"Show-off, am I? Speak for yourself. Unless I am very much mistaken, you were the one flying a bright blue Ford Anglia halfway across Muggle London. In plain sight, no less. If it was a publicity stunt, Mister Weasley, congratulations on its success. Or," Artemis added in an undertone as the bell rang, "was it simply sheer stupidity?"

The boy looked like he wanted nothing better to take the Ironburn and shove it down Artemis's throat. Artemis did some quick thinking, and then flashed the best smile he could at Hermione Granger, taking care not to look too much like Lockhart.

As the Half Smile had worked with the schoolgirls from opposite St. Bartleby's, it worked like a charm on Granger. She had a deer-in-the-headlights look for a moment, and then came the blushing. Weasley and Potter noticed, and shot angry looks at Fowl, who simply smirked back.

Artemis heard them arguing all the way to his Defense class, which, he was pleased to note, took place _without _Gryffindors.

* * *

Artemis took a seat between Theo and Blaise, who were griping at each other about something. Exactly two seconds later, Gilderoy Lockhart strolled jauntily into the room, giving everyone a huge, fake-looking (to Artemis at least) grin. Pansy Parkinson and her girl gang swooned. 

Artemis zoned out during Lockhart's mindless greetings until a sheet of parchment was slapped down on his desk. Artemis blinked and read the loopy cursive scrawled on it. _God help me, this man is such an arrogant idiot. What did I ever do to get this babbling moron as my mentor? In any case, since he doesn't even bother setting a proper quiz for his class, I will return the favour in my answers._

**1What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favourite colour? **

_Bright electric pink, which is doubtless the color of his underwear._

**2, What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition?**

_From what I have seen, Gilderoy Lockhart aspires to be a world-famous transvestite._

**3, What, in your opinion, is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date?**

_His greatest achievement is somehow attaining the ability to talk and walk simultaneously. An equally great achievement is being the biggest fraud that I have had the misfortune to encounter._

**4, What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite book?**

_He doesn't have one – I doubt he can read._

**5, What do you think should Gilderoy Lockhart do in the case of another dire emergency?**

_I strongly suggest that Gilderoy Lockhart throw himself off a cliff and thus leave the emergency in good hands._

**6, What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favoured clothing article?**

_The article in question is doubtless his electric pink thong._

**7, What is Gilderoy Lockhart's strongest weapon?**

_His sheer, blinding arrogance should, technically, not be counted as a weapon, but there are no other 'weapons' available in his arsenal._

**8, What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite vacation spot?**

_Anywhere with a mirror._

**9, Who was Gilderoy Lockhart's first love?**

_Whoever she was, I feel deeply sorry for her. _

**10, What is Gilderoy Lockhart's natural hair color?**

_Gray. If his hair is truly blonde, why would he pose such a question?_

"Stupid answers for stupid questions," Artemis muttered, turning the page.

**11. How many times has Gilderoy Lockhart won the Witch Weekly's Most-Charming Smile Award?**

_His excuse for a smile strikes terror into the hearts of wizards and witches worldwide._

**12. Where did Gilderoy Lockhart go to school?**

_He was home-schooled under a Kwikspell course for Squibs._

**13. Who is Gilderoy Lockhart's idol?**

_Colin Creevey, the newest Harry Potter fanatic._

**14. Who is Gilderoy Lockhart's number one fan?**

_His mother._

At this point, Artemis started to zone out. Although he was good at multi-tasking, all his concentration was then diverted to criminal plots (i.e. write a new paper on psychology, hack into Fort Knox and drain the money into own account, build a supercomputer for all criminal activities, et cetera). While he was concentrating on his criminal plots, his mind wandered off and told his hand to write even stupider answers, finally rounding off the whole fiasco by accidentally writing the last answer in German.

The rest of the lesson was spent watching a re-enactment of one of his great 'rescues' – Blaise, the sole volunteer, did a very good job of making Lockhart look extremely stupid. Needless to say, Artemis failed the test – but as we are talking about a class full of Slytherins, the others (except for the girls, excluding Blaise) had also used the test to insult their teacher as much as possible. Although none of them had used such high vocabulary as our protagonist.

As the bell rang, the Slytherins were told to serve detention by cleaning the entire castle with Argus Filch, no magic. However, as Blaise put it, 'at least we got one up on the blonde git'. Theo had later gone around asking for copies of the Lockhart-bashing tests, and distributed them to the student population. A surprising number of students contributed to this, and the rest of the day was spent reading out funny anecdotes from the compilation of all the tests.

* * *

**_Objectives for the day: Kill the Freckly Redhead's pet rat and eat it, steal the strange girl's diary and try to read it, and enjoy both activities on the roof of the Astronomy Tower._**

Machiavelli walked down the halls with Mrs. Norris to the hunting grounds she'd mentioned. The black cat now knew quite a bit about the school, having befriended the caretaker's cat some time ago – just to get as much knowledge about the school as he could. Had Machiavelli been human, he would have been placed in Ravenclaw, if not for a very Slytherin disposition. In fact, he despised the disgusting Norris, if not for her usefulness.

They were soon joined by a rather odd-looking feline with square-shaped markings around her eyes.

_/I don't believe I've seen you before. What's your name?/_

Cats, as it were, could communicate with each other, due to few of the cats in the school being hundred percent feline – the majority were descended from Kneazles. Machiavelli was pure wizarding cat and proud of it, as he could sense magic. Like most – all right, all – the Hogwarts cats, Machiavelli was capable of intelligent thought, thank you very much.

_/I'm Machiavelli, proud master of Artemis Fowl II. And you would be?/_

The school cats were also quite arrogant. They all assumed themselves the masters of their owners, simply because their owners fed them regularly and often indulged them in little luxuries. Machiavelli knew better, that he was a Fowl pet, but saying 'proud pet of Artemis Fowl II' was not an impressive way of introducing oneself.

The odd-looking feline snorted a kitty snort. /_You adapt well. Already you speak like a castle cat./ _

Machiavelli was starting to get quite ticked off. /_I politely told you my name. Now, I require _your _name. Is that not the way most beings carry on a conversation?/ _He saw Norris roll her eyes and continue onwards.

_/My name is Minerva. I'm known to your – pet – as Professor McGonagall, the Transfiguration teacher. You act a lot like your owner. If I didn't know better, I would swear that you look like he would in Animagus form./_

_/No, I don't,/ _Machiavelli corrected, now quite irritated. /_We don't look alike at all./_

_/Of course not./_

_/Well, if you have nothing more to say, I bid you goodbye. I have prior engagements to attend./_

_/Sounds like a polite way of saying 'back off, I don't want you here'./_

_/Would you prefer it if I put it in simpler terms?/_

_/Perhaps not. Goodbye./_

_**She's so annoying**, _Machiavelli thought to himself as he slunk off to Gryffindor Tower, keeping well within the shadows. Finding the darkness was a talent of his, another talent that he shared with Artemis. **_All right, she may be pleasant enough, but, like my master, I am a total social leper. _**

Machiavelli leapt on a windowsill and slipped out into the cool night air. Some extremely loud snoring sounds were coming from the closed window above him, slightly to the left. Probably the boys' dormitories.

Extending his claws, the cat dug them into various holes in between the stones. Using the holes as handholds, he climbed up and left to the window from which the snoring sound was heard. Alighting gracefully on the sill, he observed the window itself. It seemed as if it could only be opened from the inside. No matter – Machiavelli sat and thought for a while. He wasn't the smartest by human standards, but had the poise, resourcefulness and cunning of a practiced thief.

Retracting all claws but one, Machiavelli scratched a large square on the glass, big enough for him to slip through. The glass was thick with magical protection, but it was old, and not really ideal for keeping cats out. After lots of scratching (kept as quiet as possible) and gentle shoving on Machiavelli's part, the newly-scratched square pane fell straight onto the boy's bed beside the window. The cat landed lightly, barely making a sound as he padded off the bed.

Of course, this wasn't just for any old rat. This was because rumours had reached Machiavelli's kitty ears about this particular rodent. Even the normal cats harboured their own suspicions about the Weasley rat, as it was known. It lived longer than any other rat, and the Hogwarts cat veterans had told Machiavelli about the odd aura that hovered around this rat. Norris, too, had passed on her own tales of the rat, told to her by her mother. Apparently the same rat had been running around the castle since over fifteen years ago, with the same aura. Minerva radiated a similar aura, only it was more feline with a slight human scent – even more so than any student's cat. But let's get back to our story.

Machiavelli sniffed the air. Yes, there it was, the rodent scent. It was coming from the nearest bed, lying in between the sheets. Machiavelli moved closer, ever so quietly. A little rat nose poked out from beneath the deep scarlet of the duvet. Machiavelli shuddered. How gaudy. The green of Artemis's bed was much better.

The black cat crouched and launched. A second before his claws pierced the rat's tiny body, it was up and running. Machiavelli growled deep in his throat and ran after it. It had a head start, but Machiavelli was closing in on it – not for long.

After Machiavelli had run into two suits of armour (which the rat had dashed in and out of) and the caretaker in his pursuit of the slippery rodent, it darted out to the grounds. Machiavelli was starting to wonder if it was even worth it, but his mentality was like his owner's: If you have the misfortune of being drawn into a fight, win it. That said in his mind, he ploughed on, running faster than any cat in the castle could ever hope to.

The rat was running towards a tree that stuck out like a sore thumb in the middle of the grounds. It pressed a small (from that distance) knob at the base of the trunk, and slipped into a hollow at the said base. Machiavelli followed, still running at full speed.

He tailed the rat through a tunnel and finally to a dusty-looking living room – or what was left of it. It was horribly torn up; the curtains were ripped and rustled slightly in the wind, large amounts of stuffing leaked out of the couch, and the chandelier had since been torn down. Machiavelli sniffed the air once more. The rat was still there, he was sure of it. He could smell it…but it was strongly tinged with human now. What was it doing here in this excuse for a horror movie set?

The cat's irrational thought stopped when a hand found his neck and gripped it tightly. He was lifted up by the rodent-smelling hand – a four-fingered hand.

"Don't you know," a hoarse voice said, "that curiosity killed the cat?"

Machiavelli squinted with his night eyes. The man that had him in a stranglehold was extremely grubby, with graying hair that reminded Machiavelli of the rat that the man could become. He had buck teeth and was extremely ugly; the majority of his features were smeared with dirt and grime.

"Learn that phrase, cat," the man said croakily. "And let it be a lesson to you. Your last lesson." Machiavelli felt the grip tighten and promptly decided that he was getting OUT of there, no matter the cost.

The man (lunatic in Machiavelli's opinion) found himself holding a yowling, screeching black tornado-like _thing _that scratched and bit his hand, drawing blood wherever the teeth and claws struck. The man winced; the cat packed a punch for something of its size. Even the school cats weren't as violent or strong. Finally, when the pain grew too much to bear, he let go of Machiavelli.

Machiavelli streaked up and out the tunnel, out of the strange tree, back to Artemis. He thanked the gods that the man had a weak grip and continued down to the dungeons, slipping into the Slytherin boys' dormitories via the recently excavated kitty route. He curled up on his master's bed, purring slightly at the comfort of the mattress. Forget the diary. There would be no more nighttime strolls for this cat for a while. A very long while.

* * *

**POST-CHAPTER COMMENTS**

This probably sucked, but never mind, OK? Reviews would be nice, but flames are OK too, strictly for this chapter. Things in bold are headings.

**NEXT CHAPTER SPOILERS: **

Artemis's first flying lesson and detention.

Theo purchases an odd article from a dealer.

Blaise starts dabbling in Dark articles.

Hmm…

**CHAPTER SEVEN SPOILERS **

(I've written half chapter six already, so I figured spoilers sounded OK.)

Question: What the heck is Artemis doing on the roof?

**REVIEWS AND REPLIES**

Free double-chocolate or lemon cookies to all reviewers.

Thank you to all reviewers who stuck with my insignificant little story for so long, and here are your answers.

Black Aliss – Nope, I won't diagnose you as insane yet. You liked the chapter? Thanks (not being sarcastic). That's what's important…Although I found your reaction odd as this is a fictional character's music taste we're talking about here. Never mind, hope you enjoyed this one too.

MuggleBuddy – Here's another cookie! Enjoy it (munches one).

Clutchy – I live in Singapore and buy my manga from Orchard Road bookstores. Might try to read Prince of Tennis one day – my budget's nearly used up buying presents for family and friends. I'm not allowed to order stuff online…too bad for me.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE…Random topic for today's discussion: Pairings, and how they're going to be used? Yes, I'm bored and have nobody to talk to.**

Favourite pairings:

Ron/Hermione

Tom/Ginny – yes, that Tom Riddle, with a Dark Ginny, my cup of tea.

Draco/Ginny

Holly/Artemis

Holly/Trouble Kelp

Artemis/Ginny (only occasionally)

**YES, I'M DEAD BORED BECAUSE NOBODY'S TALKING TO ME!**

As to the title of the fourth year, Dragon Heartstring, this is because a) Artemis's wand has a dragon heartstring core, b) the dragon in the First Task and c) I can't tell you this or it would give a lot away.

SPOILER:

Artemis stared. The boy in front of him stared back. The boy opened his mouth.

"Why the bloody hell do you look exactly like me?"

It was true. Both youths were complete mirror images of each other.

(Well, something along those lines.)

**QUESTION FOR REVIEWERS:**

Should Draco Malfoy …

a) Turn to the Light side before/after taking the Dark Mark, or should he …

b) Stay on the Dark side and be portrayed as evil?

The story can be set to go either way but I am sadly quite indecisive.

--EvilExpressions


	6. the dark artisan

Hello, hello, hello…I am your beloved…how did Jim Carrey say it? I really want to watch **Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events** but it's not coming out in Singapore for a while.

Mr. Colfer made a mistake with _The Seventh Dwarf_. If Mulch mistook Artemis for a bounty hunter in _Arctic Incident_, then he probably didn't know him then. If _Seventh Dwarf_ took place before _Arctic Incident_, Mulch would have recognized Artemis. So I will take into account the facts from the spin-off _LEPRecon_, but totally ignore _Seventh Dwarf. _

chapter six: the beginning of a dark artisan

Artemis was having a difficult time deciding what he hated more: Peeves or Herbology. The Mandrakes were nothing short of annoying brats, kicking and spitting at Artemis whenever possible. Artemis never knew that Mandrakes could vomit, but he learnt it the hard way.

The rest of his friends – correction: _allies _– weren't having so many problems. Blaise was currently annoying Draco Malfoy as much as possible. It was interesting to see Malfoy's face go from skin-tone to red…to green…and finally brown as he put his head in his hands – which were covered in manure.

According to Sprout, Mandrakes were a powerful restorative that could heal Petrified people, and (according to Artemis) when used in conjunction with unicorn blood, could form a powerful potion that was the liquid equivalent of a Lower Elements Tunnel Blue spider. He would have carried on to about eight hours' worth of knowledge and intellect had he not been interrupted by the bell. He checked his watch, and for once in his life, decided to say thank you to Theo for tripping the bell twenty minutes early.

He left before Professor Sprout caught on, kicking a Mandrake off his shoes as he went.

* * *

Charms class was mostly quite boring for Artemis, who spent the lesson mastering a Summoning Charm and the _Ilereiar _Incantation, which could animate large, originally inanimate objects (this particular charm used to animate a certain flying car and most brooms. Also known as 'a spell to bring motion to the motionless). After experimenting on Neville Longbottom's desk and Professor Flitwick's quills, he was unceremoniously dragged out of the class by Blaise and Theo.

"What do you think you're doing?" Artemis sputtered.

"Teaching you," Blaise replied calmly. "Flying lessons await. Same for the Quidditch pitch. We're going to get your broom, silly."

"What's this?" murmured Theo, stopping in his tracks. Artemis yanked himself free of Theo's grip and stood up, dusting his robes off. He moved around Theo (who was slightly taller than him) to see what was causing the holdup.

In the middle of the offending crowd stood Potter and Malfoy, who appeared to be trying to give each other hell. Between them was a little boy, Creevey, who looked eager as a chipmunk to get a photograph of Potter. Apparently, Creevey idolized Potter and would do a lot for an autograph.

"EVERYONE QUEUE UP!" Malfoy roared to the crowd. "Harry Potter's giving out signed photos!"

"_Signed photos…?_" Blaise said, clearly shocked. "From Potter, the famously reclusive celebrity?"

"What's all this, what's all this? Who's giving out signed photos?"

Artemis, at that moment, simply desired nothing more than to pound Lockhart and his wavy blonde locks deep underground. And then maybe he could request that Foaly use him as a tester for all his new inventions, appropriately torturous…

Lockhart flung his arm around Potter's shoulders. "Shouldn't have asked! We meet again, Harry!"

"Oh, boy. This is going to get good," Theo muttered.

"Come on, then, Mr. Creevey. A double portrait, can't say any fairer than that, and we'll both sign it for you."

Artemis was seriously starting to ponder the merits of a Choking Hex. OK, Lockhart wasn't directly offending him, but the blonde was the sort of guy everyone loved to hate.

As Creevey snapped the photo and took it from Lockhart, the bell for afternoon classes rang. Blaise groaned. "Damn. Now the lessons have to wait. Time for bloody Transfiguration again."

The crowd began to disperse, and Potter hurried off in Artemis's direction. He was, sadly, closely followed by Lockhart. Artemis caught a few words as he headed towards the Transfiguration classroom with Blaise and Theo: "let me just say that handing out signed pictures at this stage of your career isn't sensible – looks a tad bigheaded, Harry, to be frank. There may well come a time when, like me, you'll need to keep a stack handy wherever you go…"

"Yeah, yeah," Theo mumbled as Lockhart continued rambling. "I'm going to buy your entire stock of photos, and I'll sacrifice them in a bonfire…"

"OK, put your hand above the broom and say UP!"

"Up," Artemis repeated, injecting a bit of venom into his voice. The broom, evidently scared, leapt enthusiastically up into Artemis's right hand.

It was a nice, balmy Friday afternoon, very good for flying, according to Blaise. Storybook weather. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and Artemis was taking flying lessons.

Artemis mounted it, not feeling very good about this. If he wanted to fly, he'd use his private jet or fashion a set of electronic wings like Holly Short's – not on a thin stick that looked alarmingly fragile.

"Now mount it."

Theo and Blaise corrected Artemis's grip, much to Artemis's irritation. If flying on a broom took this much trouble, it probably wasn't really worth it. Artemis had never been much good at sports, and this probably wasn't going to be any different.

He gripped the broom tightly and it shot high, high into the air. Artemis experimented with a few moves, feeling like he was going to fall off any moment. He was joined by Blaise and Theo, both riding Cleansweep Eights.

"Here, catch! Rule of this game: get this past Theo, _the _best keeper ever!" Three guesses who said that.

A bright red ball zoomed toward Artemis, who hovered uncertainly. He knew for a fact that he couldn't throw very far…

Artemis's nose felt broken, but Blaise assured him it wasn't, as it was apparently still straight. Theo had to go and hit me with a Quaffle in the middle of the formulation of my strategy, the now-irate Artemis thought. Now, he had to go search for an idiotic Golden Snitch, variation of the Golden Snidget. Lovely.

"Hey," Theo said, staring at a mass of scarlet moving towards them. "I think we better get off the pitch. Don't want to be caught in the middle of a Slytherin-Gryffindor battle."

"D'you think we're stupid enough to pick a fight with people twice our size?" Blaise snorted.

"Perhaps both of you would be. I, on the other hand, would like to keep my limbs intact," Artemis replied smoothly. "Allow me to refresh your memory, Blaise. The Slytherin team is training..."

"In the afternoon, yes."

"And what time are the Gryffindors training?" Artemis continued, still condescending.

"Afternoon…oh," Blaise said sheepishly. "Right."

Artemis sighed and brought his broom down to the pitch, just before the Slytherin team entered. When Artemis saw the Seeker, hidden as he was behind all the musclemen of the team, he reeled back in slight shock.

"Draco Malfoy?"

"Yes," the blonde sneered. "Now move it, Mudblood. There are more important things than you at the moment."

There was a definite murmur among the Gryffindor Quidditch team. A Slytherin Muggle-born? Perish the thought. Artemis's face reddened ever so slightly.

"Hey," Blaise said sharply. "There's no call to be rude. If I recall correctly, it was _you_ who bought your way onto the Slytherin team."

Malfoy sneered and elbowed his way past Marcus Flint. "Yeah, _cousin_. And that is a problem because…?"

"Because none of the Gryffindor team members had to buy their way in," Artemis retorted. "And that, apparently, is why Slytherin lost rather badly to Gryffindor last year. I don't doubt you will be the one to bring down the good name of Slytherin house – as far as Hogwarts is concerned, that is."

"Oh, look. A pitch invasion." Nobody paid any attention to Flint as he said this.

Weasley number four and Hermione Granger were striding across the pitch towards them. Artemis, luckily for him, didn't turn to look.

Malfoy gripped his wand and pointed it at Artemis, screaming "_Lingots Erbrechen_!"

Artemis countered with "_Elereous_!"

The force field absorbed the spell into it. For one moment, the force field glowed a sick sort of green before the spell, now strengthened considerably (by three times, in fact), bounced back and hit Malfoy in the guts. He promptly keeled over.

Artemis took his shield down and approached his house-mate warily. He was sprawled on the grassy pitch, not moving.

"Is he all right?" Blaise asked anxiously. "I know he's a loser, but he's my cousin, and I'm admittedly a bit scared of his mum."

Suddenly, Malfoy sat up, breathing hard.

"He looks healthy enough to me," Artemis observed.

Famous last words.

The Malfoy heir gripped his chest and started heaving. Artemis backpedaled – and Malfoy gave a gigantic belch that echoed around the Quidditch pitch. That wasn't the worst of it. With the belch came three huge slugs, pouring out of Malfoy's mouth.

The Gryffindors were laughing hard, and Artemis could have sworn he saw Marcus Flint smirking. It seemed they weren't as loyal to Malfoy as he thought. Ah well, in a house full of cunning, generally evil teenagers, loyalty probably wouldn't last very long.

Artemis knew that his 3S (Slytherin Social Status, intelligently invented by Octavius Malfoy around World War II) had just been taken down a few notches, but that didn't lessen his satisfaction as he returned to the castle with Blaise and Theo.

Theo, hooded and cloaked, descended the stairs silently.

_You sure have a lot of stealth for some pansy pacifist._

_Shut up, Dark,_Theo replied tiredly. _We've been arguing the whole damn day…_

_You have no right to call me Dark, not considering what you're doing._

Theo didn't bother to reply. Talking to himself was a sign of insanity...but what did it matter...for, after all, wasn't he insane already? Whatever it was, although Theo would never be alone, Dark Theo wasn't the best of companions.

Theo fingered the scars around his wrists. Killing himself was a nice option compared to spending his life with a mini-Voldemort.

_You have no guts. You'll never get anywhere. You're worthless!_

Theo vaguely remembered.

_A spiked whip. _

_Scarlet. _

_Blood. _

_Gryffindor colours… _

"SHUT UP!"

Exactly two seconds later, Theo realized he'd probably woken up half the Hogwarts population with that yell. He shook his head and continued on his way to Hogsmeade.

Everyone said he was insane. Even Dumbledore treated him warily. Nobody did really understand what it was like living with a dark lord in his head…

_I'm not a dark lord. I'm you. Technically, I'm your dark side, but just stop your whining and get on to Hogsmeade. _

Theo, for once, felt smug. _Hey, genius, I'm already there._

Silence was golden, he thought happily, as Dark didn't speak. Theo hurried up to the Hog's Head and shoved the door open.

"Hello, Aberforth."

Dumbledore's brother nodded at him. Aberforth was the disgraced, possibly illiterate younger sibling, with long, dirty hair. "He's in room thirteen," he said gruffly.

"Thanks." Theo proceeded on his way, ascending the grimy stairs. A lot of strange folk hung around this pub. Making deals like the one Theo was going to make.

_So, you finally admit that I am useful._

Theo wasn't actually going to say that out loud. Dark Theo was left brain. He was right brain. It would be odd if he were to start carrying on lively conversations with himself in public.

_But isn't that what you're doing?_

Room thirteen. Theo pushed the door open and let himself in to face the man known as Mundungus Fletcher.

"You have the goods?"

The man wavered. "Yes. All your illegal books and your equally illegal poison."

_Demons can sense demons, you know. That's why you're getting this poison._

_Technically, you're not a demon, you're me. What, you got an odd feel about the Weaslette's diary, too?_asked Theo.

_What do you think, genius? Oh, and just so you know... demons aren't necessarily non-human._

Lockhart strolled happily down the halls, on his way to supervise a detention. It would be nice to take those rich, arrogant Slytherins down a few pegs. Heaven knows, they certainly needed it.

Lockhart had always loved his time at Hogwarts, despite his charms being disasters and his potions exploding half the time. The only thing he felt saddened about was that nobody really seemed to appreciate his fame-to-be, especially not those older kids.

James Potter, Lily Evans, Remus Lupin, Severus Snape and Sirius Black (Death Eater, wasn't he?) had all hated him to the core. (Although poor Lockhart would never know this, all the other students had hated him as well.) Hah! Now they most definitely regretted it. Miss Evans had the fortune of being his first love, although it had never been requited. A fact she probably regretted. How Lockhart would love to rub it in her face now, the fact that he was famous, and she was nobody.

In any case, he was focusing on giving the Slytherins as hard a time as possible. Clapping his hands together, he strode grandly (or so he thought) around the corner to face four groups of mutinous Slytherins.

"Now, as you know, you are here to serve detention. I decided to spice things up, rather than sticking you the original concept of cleaning. Group A," he indicated the group with Draco Malfoy and Artemis Fowl in it, "will still clean the corridors. Group B will be," Lockhart thought hard before announcing, "helping Professor Snape brew potions for Madam Pomfrey. Group C," he gestured to the group from which a shock of white hair stood out, "um…helping Professor Kettleburn with his creatures." (Everyone shivered – they all knew just how many limbs Kettleburn had left intact.) "Finally, Group D, with Miss Zabini in it, will be given the best task!"

The said group leaned forward curiously.

"Answering my fan mail!"

There was a collective groan from that group, and for some odd reason Fowl and Malfoy looked greatly relieved.

"Now," Lockhart beamed. "If you'll all just hand me your wands, and do remember to tie a slip of parchment with your respective names on it to the wand!"

He tried to conjure some parchments, but failed miserably. Fowl sighed and raised his wand. "Accio Parchments!"

Lockhart would suffer the effects of the parchment cuts for a long while after that. Rubbing his neck irritably, Lockhart set the Slytherins to their tasks. Making sure to leave instructions with Group D and Potter for answering the mail, he began supervising the first group. Naturally, did Lockhart trust a bunch of stuck-up brats who all thought they were better than him to clean a school properly? No. Of course he didn't.

A few students stood out in Lockhart's dim mind for many reasons. Firstly, Harry Potter, Boy-Who-Lived. Evidently, the arrogant little boy thought that he was better than Gilderoy Lockhart just because he defeated You-Know-Who! Did he get an Order of Merlin? Did he get a spot on the Dark Force Defense League? Did he have as many books written about (or by, for that matter) him? No. The answers were all no. Potter was just a fame-hungry, attention-seeking little boy who needed to be taken down a peg or two. Maybe even three.

Secondly was Artemis Fowl the Second, apparently a millionaire in the Muggle world. Money wasn't everything. Celebrity was as celebrity did, and Fowl clearly needed to understand that. He had to learn that, just because he had the highest I.Q. in Europe, he wasn't better than Lockhart himself, who was clearly thrice the wizard Fowl could ever hope to become. Also, how dare that boy imply Lockhart couldn't read! Of course he could. The odd thing about it was how Fowl had known that Lockhart did indeed wear pink thongs. They were a bit faded, but still nice and pink.

Thirdly was Draco Malfoy. Lockhart, after reading his troublemaking test paper, decided Malfoy and Fowl were more alike than they could know. Only an observant like Lockhart could see this.

Anyway, who even cared about all that? Lockhart thought happily. Time for the boys to learn who was truly second-best around there! (The boys, of course. Not Lockhart! Perish the thought.)

"Right, my good fellows! Let's start cleaning!"

* * *

Artemis was in a foul mood by the time cleaning ended, and it showed. He shot Lockhart a smouldering glare as he passed. If looks could kill, Lockhart would have died so many times that he'd probably be sort of an extra-concentrated ghost.

Blaise hurried to meet up with him and Theo, who was sporting a sprained ankle.

"Hey, Artemis! Theo!"

"What now?" Artemis muttered angrily. He just wanted to sleep. Three bloody hours of cleaning had taken its toll.

"Potter was serving detention with us."

"And this is relevant because?" Artemis said curtly.

Blaise frowned at him. "Look, we all want to kill Lockhart, but that's no reason to take it out on me."

"Sorry," Artemis said with more sincerity than he'd originally intended. He reminded himself never to do that again, or at least not without a healthy amount of sarcasm. Lockhart had dropped not-too-subtle hints about Artemis being second best to him. As if! Artemis knew that Lockhart couldn't even perform a simple exterminating charm on a rat.

"OK. So, Potter says he heard a voice."

"Didn't we all? Lockhart's nasal voice echoes in our ears every day till we want to push him off the Astronomy Tower. What, pray tell, is new?" said Artemis dryly.

"But this time it was a voice only he could hear. I didn't hear anything."

"Really? Potter's delusional now, then. Hallucinations after spending unwonted amounts of time with his Muggle cousin, whom I looked up and happens to be obscenely fat and spoilt?"

"Possible. But I talked to him. He says it said 'rip, tear, kill'."

Artemis frowned. "Odd. Blaise, did it say anything else?"

"Uh, nope. Just rip, tear and kill."

"Nobody else was there?"

"Lockhart was in the corridor outside his office. So were you. You should know."

"Yeah, and Kettleburn's office is above Lockhart's, nothing can sneak in from there," Theo added. "Filch was on cleaning duty downstairs as well and he hates interruptions, so nobody could have spoken from down there."

"Ah. Theo – are there pipes, or a network, or a variation of connections that could connect those three areas together?"

"Pipes, yes. Drains. But there isn't anything else."

"Well, at least we know that whatever Potter heard spoke from the pipes." Something suddenly struck Artemis. He'd read about the Chamber of Secrets…could it be…? "Where do the pipes lead?"

"What? Oh. I think they just lead to someplace inside the lake," Blaise replied uncertainly.

Artemis took stock of the situation. "Very well. Since we appear to be making no headway, I suggest we sleep on it and ponder this tomorrow."

"Sounds good to me," Blaise yawned.

Theo paused midway down the stairs. A mysterious diary that only Dark Theo could sense. A creature from the Chamber of Secrets that spoke through pipes and was, according to legend, out to murder Muggle-borns. The diary and the chamber…could they possibly be connected…?

The tanned punk yawned. The millionaire was right. He should sleep on it. But he had something else to do first. Something that involved Malfoy's Invisibility Cloak, illegal Dark Arts books, a tent and some bricks.

* * *

Artemis was severely displeased when Theo shook him awake at dawn two days after the detention. He (Artemis), not knowing it was Theo at the time, fired a volley of hexes at him. Now, it was early evening (after Lockhart's dislike for Artemis had hit an all-time high) and (Dark) Theo was still complaining about the Bat-Bogey Hex. Of course, Dark Theo never hurt his friends, but that didn't stop his mouth from working, a.k.a. bugging the hell out of Artemis. 

"You didn't have to hit me with it so hard!"

"So hard? Honestly, Theodore, the Bat-Bogey Hex barely lasted you a few hours."

"The maximum is two days, you know. I could've spent it in the Hospital Wing!"

"Well, as you appear to be quite chipper about it, you are obviously not in the Hospital Wing, so, simply put, _shut up _and go back to your normal, vague self."

"Huh?" Theo replied, confused. "Why? What did I do?" Without further ado, he extracted a Blood Pop and started sucking on it. Blaise wrinkled her nose.

"Oh, that is so disgusting."

"What did you want to tell me this morning, anyway?" interrupted Artemis.

"Well, before someone hit me with Bat-Bogey Hex and –"

"Get on with it. We have no time left for your self-pity."

"OK, cool it. Right, I bought a tent."

"A tent."

"Yes. Follow me. Arty, create a diversion."

"Don't call me Arty, and do be more specific. Whose attention am I supposed to divert from our sordid activities?"

"Hagrid, the gamekeeper – you think up the rest. You are, after all, the genius among us."

Artemis thought for a brief moment and sighed. He never liked taking orders, but his curiosity got the better of him. "Very well."

* * *

Less than ten minutes later, Artemis joined the Dynamic Duo at the foot of a stone wall.

"Hey, Fowl, spill. What did you do?"

"Simple. I all too conveniently ran into Lockhart and requested that he give Hagrid some advice on getting kelpies out of a well. Surely it's not that heinous if I happen to mention that Lockhart should inform him about his amazing exploits? Our dear professor was alarmingly excited about this."

"Whew," Blaise chortled. "That's going to take a while."

"So, Theodore, enlighten us. We know that Hagrid is the only one who could possibly see us – everyone else, after all, is at dinner – so what is the diversion for?"

Theo told them. Artemis choked and Blaise's jaw dropped.

"ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US KILLED?"

"Are you trying to get us discovered?" Theo hissed to his temperamental female friend. "_Revulus Illus_!"

Various handholds, formed by missing stone bricks, appeared in the wall. Artemis could see that the handholds formed a vertical path that led to the roof.

"Yes, Blaise," Artemis murmured. "I do think that he's trying to get us killed. If we fall from that height, I doubt that even _Arresto Momentum _can save us."

"Don't worry! It's perfectly safe!"

"Drug dealers say that, too," Artemis retorted, but followed Theo in climbing up. Blaise stood, uncertain, at the foot of the wall, but trailed them after a while.

After numerous incidents in which Artemis nearly slipped and fell off, they finally reached the roof. Theo moved along the roof, feeling for something. "Got it!" he declared. "Password: pig snout!"

"_Pig snout_?" Artemis and Blaise echoed incredulously.

"That was the Gryffindor password last year."

"That explains it," said Blaise dryly.

The remark was lost on Artemis as a small, Cub-Scout-sized tent appeared in midair, perched on the roof, one side supported by magic. Theo beckoned to them and squeezed his way into the tent. Blaise caught Artemis's eye, sighed and went in. Artemis, after a lot of wiggling (he was fairly tall for his age now) finally entered.

The tent had at least two storeys, and three rooms on each floor. The (although they didn't know it) newly-dubbed Slytherin Trio stepped into the hall, which was barely decorated. The only thing in it was a staircase, which obviously led to the second floor.

Artemis entered the next room, a miniature pub. It had a kitchenette, a fireplace and unless Artemis was mistaken, a giant coffee machine. The kitchenette was manned by a house-elf, who waved to Artemis and bowed. Artemis didn't entirely approve of the concept of house-elves (having met Holly), but nodded back. Ordering some takeaway Earl Grey, with milk, Artemis tailed Theo through the other door, a glass one.

It appeared lead to a modern sort of library. There were countless bookshelves styled what Juliet Butler would call 'funky' (which Artemis hated), and with a few cozy armchairs and lamps. As far as Artemis could tell, they were stocked with books delving into the Dark Arts.

The last room was a bathroom, not as large as the ones in Fowl Manor, but acceptable. The rooms on the second floor were, as Artemis discovered after exploration, bedrooms.

They met in the library after looking around. "Well?" Artemis demanded. "This is obviously not your average two-man tent. What's this?"

Theo shifted uncomfortably. "Well…"

Artemis fixed him with an eagle eye, but turned when he noticed Blaise's expression. "What is it?"

Blaise was seething. "I knew it. I knew it, Theodore! You stole it!"

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Stole it?"

"Well, yes. You know how Malfoy and I used to be friends? I went over to his house to play one day --"

"Mansion, you mean --"

"Yeah, and it was his birthday, see, so he got a tent for his birthday and gave me the secondhand one."

"A generous Malfoy? As if," Artemis remarked.

Blaise wasn't entirely convinced of the tent's safety. "And why did you even bring us up here in the first place? Why not use the Room of Requirement? How do you know there's no curse on it to prevent anyone other than Malfoy coming in?"

"The what?" Artemis asked, partially irritated at not knowing something but interested in finding out.

"I'll fill you in on it later."

"Well, some seventh years found out what the Room's used for. I walked in one day and found two Hufflepuffs snogging."

"That certainly explains it," Blaise said dryly.

Theo swept one arm around the tent dramatically. "And here we have an entire tent full of Dark Arts books."

This sounded very interesting to Artemis Fowl. This newfound interest was going to have dreadful consequences one day. But that's another story.

* * *

Yue-neko: Thanks (looks happy). So that's the first vote for a Dark Draco. Nice username, by the way. Neko is cat right?

Clutchy: Thank you, and unless I'm mistaken, Kinokuniya HAS the most manga. One Light Draco vote.

MuggleBuddy: You don't have to like Draco. He will still be an evil git.

Kiharu-sama: OK, another vote for Light Draco. Thanks for reading!

Black Aliss: Yes, he steals the diary. But the mirror image of him is also called Artemis Fowl II and not on Polyjuice. I'll leave you to guess what happens. Light Draco? OK…

AlexineBlue-to-whom-I-chatted-with-earlier: One Light Draco vote.

Let's see…

Dark Draco: Yue-neko. One vote.

Light Draco: Clutchy, Kiharu-sama, Black Aliss, AlexineBlue.

Four to one, Draco will go to the Light side…and proceed to annoy the hell out of Arty. (Evil grin.)

To all others who want/wanted to review: Thank you very much… (not being sarcastic).

R&R would be nice. Rest and Relaxation from typing, and Readers and Reviewers galore. Wouldn't that be great?

Oh, and the little review button. Doesn't it look so push-able?

MERRY CHRISTMAS! OK, it was over a while ago, but hey, who cares?

--you now know my name (username)


	7. poor old mrs norris

**_(I duck the flying tomatoes.)_**

_**The Founders idea is cliché, I know...! But nobody will ever speak (using voices) with the Founders. That I can promise you. The only way the Founders can correspond with the outside world is through writing. I…don't think Artemis will ever see the Founders' faces. He won't even be able to see their memories. **_

_**Happy New Year. **_

chapter seven: poor old mrs. norris

Two months had passed since Theo had first introduced Artemis and Blaise to the tent. Artemis had yet to finish reading all the books, but was intrigued by what he had found so far. His particular favourites were the Bat-Bogey Hex (something Artemis turned out to excel at), _Elereous_, Sweet Dreams Curse and Ebonovemer Spell ("Remove the Bones of Your Choice!"). Any spell that involved sound and wind worked well with him too.

Artemis wasn't particularly sadistic, so he rarely used the Darker curses. He had no intention of becoming another Dark Lord – they seemed to come and go easier than Artemis would have liked. He learned fast, and had soon reached an impressive level as far as Transfiguration was concerned. He mostly stuck to experimenting with alchemy and illusions, apart from regular Dark curses. Theo and Blaise chose to specialize in potions and defenses – most probably because they obviously wouldn't be learning anything from Lockhart any time soon.

Originally, they'd come up late at night or during sunset to practise, but that quickly proved a problem, as some healing spells and potions worked only during the day, for some reason. Artemis didn't see how they could still perform the said spells, as there weren't any windows from which to tell day from night, but the point was moot. The spells just didn't work at night.

It was Blaise who found the solution to daytime spells. While poring over a particularly thick tome, she discovered a guide to variations of cloning. Artemis, when he read it, chanced upon a particularly nasty version in which the caster or victim was split into two identical copies – one evil, the other good, and one weaker than the other depending on the person. It was more of a split than a cloning, but a bit of both. He decided to leave the book to Blaise.

The one they decided to use in the end was simply creating a hologram copy with a force field under it to fit the hologram. (It was Version II, which gained any wounds that the creator could attain, and even sickness.) This meant a huge problem for Theo, as no cloning spell worked on him. Split, clone, you name it – Theo's bipolarity meant that Dark Theo would always be in the copy.

"I'll just leave Dark me with you guys," Theo had said firmly. "Nobody downstairs can really handle him. Besides, I'll get my memories of the time up here back when I fuse back together with Dark."

Plunky served them well, so they didn't suffer from lack of food – Blaise often joked that Plunky could be a school elf, for his food was excellent. Artemis was kept in a good mood, due to some caviar every day.

Artemis had also been trying to become an Animagus. The spells were complicated, but manageable for Artemis's intellect. The first time he attempted it, he ended up with gold-orange fur all over his face. It would have been a good try, had the fur not stuck to Artemis's face for four days. The Animagi rituals seemed to be more of a test through which the Animagus-to-be could prove himself. _If you're smart enough to know and do it, you are allowed to._ And there was no doubt in Artemis's mind that he was smart enough.

For Halloween, however, Artemis decided to attend the dinner. From what Theo had told him, the Halloween fare was delicious. Artemis's copy had written him about his not attending the feast, and so Artemis figured it was safe to go. Dark Theo declined, saying that he would rather spend the night studying to be an Animagus. Although Artemis suspected that it was an excuse to spend time with Blaise, he didn't object, and left the tent in the afternoon.

As luck would have it, he bumped into Lockhart a few feet away from the Defense classroom door. The blonde stared at him bewilderedly.

"Aren't you supposed to be in my class right now, Mr. Fowl? I specifically stated that no one was to leave until I got back."

"But I am in your class right now," Artemis stated innocently. Then he left, before Lockhart could work out what he'd said.

* * *

"There you are!"

The copy turned to his left and blinked at the odd sensation that enveloped him.

He felt…'strange' was one way of putting it. Like he had somehow been detached from his body and was staring down at it from above. It was also a bit like he had suddenly been turned into an elastic band, and was at the end of its maximum stretch before it snapped.

SNAP.

Artemis Fowl blinked. He was himself again. As he processed the memories of his copy, which had returned to him when they fused back together, he stood up and brushed himself off. Moving further up the shadowy corridor, he stopped.

There was a cat hanging from the wall. Right above his head, no less. And not just any cat, either. It was Mrs. Norris, the caretaker's cat. Said cat had been either killed or Petrified. Or perhaps the Transmorgrifian Torture? Many wizards doubted its existence, but judging from the pictures in Artemis's books, it was rather painful and disgusting. No…perhaps not. The Torture was usually only known by Dark wizards twice Artemis's age, and the cat didn't seem transmogrified in any way. Besides, there was a pulse, when Artemis checked.

But that wasn't Artemis's problem. Directly beside the words 'THE CHAMBER HAS BEEN OPENED. ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE.'

The Chamber…the Chamber of Secrets. Whoever the Heir was, he looked like he/she was out to kill Muggle-born witches and wizards, like the legend. But then, maybe it was a sophomoric prank. However, there was just no denying it, the red looked a bit too much like blood for his liking.

But he was Slytherin…the monster in the Chamber wouldn't harm him…would it?

Artemis lowered his gaze from the stiff cat and blood-red wording, and took an involuntary step back as he saw the Three Gryffindor Musketeers staring back at him. He took in his surroundings. Water, water, stiff cat, water, Musketeers and more water. A plumbing leak perhaps.

As the Fabulous Trio fell under Artemis's scrutiny, they fidgeted a bit and muttered something like 'deathday party'. Artemis promptly decided that they couldn't have been the culprits. Everything about them screamed 'self-righteous, sanctimonious, overly-inquisitive, and foolhardy, brave yes, but foolhardy'. Petrifying took a great deal of Dark knowledge. All possible Dark suspects were either down in the Great Hall or up in a tent on the roof. Anyway, every student but Theo, Blaise, the Dream Team, Ginny and Artemis's copy had been in the Hall where they would've been seen.

That narrowed the suspect list down to only one: Ginevra Weasley. But how --

Artemis snapped out of his daze as students poured in from different directions. He groaned as he realized what this looked like. Artemis Fowl, renowned criminal, standing beneath a Petrified cat. Oh dear. Never mind that the Golden Trio was there, he was a Slytherin and would be the most likely culprit.

Malfoy pushed and shoved his way to the front of the crowd, tailed by Crabbe, Goyle and Pansy Parkinson. He smiled evilly at them. "Enemies of the Heir, beware!" His gaze focused on Hermione and Artemis. "You'll be next, Mudbloods!"

"MY CAT!"

"_Lumos Maximus!_" The light was held up by Albus Dumbledore, and it was blinding – Artemis had to shield his eyes.

It was a slip of the tongue and Artemis still didn't really know why he did it, but everyone, including him, was bound to slip up once in a while. Even evil geniuses. Right?

Anyway, as Filch approached, with the entire teaching faculty in his wake (who had apparently been de-hexed), Artemis fully realized all the possible implications of his position beneath a Petrified cat, and let out the Gnommish curse, "D'Arvit!"

The Trio turned to him faster than a squirrel on coffee. "What?"

"Ah…nothing," Artemis replied quickly. "Nothing."

They looked suspicious, but that was the least of Artemis's worries as Filch walked right up to him and began shaking him hard, all the while wheezing accusations in between shuddering sobs. It took both Snape and Dumbledore to pry him off a thoroughly frazzled Artemis. Finally, the Headmaster turned to his prized pet, Potter, and asked, "What happened?"

"My office is nearest, Headmaster, just upstairs – please feel free –"

"Thank you, Gilderoy." Dumbledore moved past Artemis, still holding his wand up. It illuminated the forked passages that Artemis was standing at the crossroads of. Satisfied that there was nothing there, he, to Artemis's relief, put the light out.

Once up in the revolting office, flamboyantly decorated with pictures of its owner, the Trio told their tale, and Ron put in his two cents' worth about how 'I think it was Fowl, sir, we went a bit closer and we saw him standing there, right beneath poor old Mrs. Norris'. (Lockhart's babble and unhelpful comments were ignored by all save the portraits, who nodded along in agreement.)

_Poor old Mrs. Norris? _Artemis detected the lie in Ronald's words instantly, and so did Snape.

"Perhaps they are not being entirely truthful," Snape said, eyes glittering. "Fowl may have been up there, yes. But books clearly state that spells like these requires immensely complex spells that are far past even Mr. Fowl's level. Besides, unlike _them_, he was at the feast, unlike the precious Golden Trio. Leaving two minutes early does not necessarily make someone a culprit."

"Yeah, but he's a Muggle criminal, Professor!"

"Professor Dumbledore lit his wand and scanned the perimeter of the crime scene." Artemis's voice was cold. "I believe that he did not find anything incriminating, or you would be watching in barely concealed glee as a professor snapped my wandand expelled me. Really, Ronald. I thought you were smarter than that. Besides, the gaping goldfish look really doesn't suit you."

Ron's mouth shut immediately.

"Professor Dumbledore, sir?"

Dumbledore looked up from where he was prodding the Petrified cat. "Yes?"

"I'm feeling tired and I'd like to return to my dormitories. Would you mind?"

"YES, I MIND!" Filch snarled, wiping a tear. "You killed my cat!"

"Argus! Firstly, she is not dead, and secondly," the Headmaster paused. "Innocent until proven guilty. You may go, Mr. Fowl."

Artemis nodded and left, leaving the trio and Professors to talk about him behind his back, as they were bound to be doing. _Knowing how fast gossip spreads, it will be all over the school by morning_, his cynical side said.

Artemis shuddered. _Go to the happy place_, his (very feeble) bright side ordered, kicking his cynical side.

* * *

"I am not skilled in small talk or pleasantries, so I'll speak frankly here."

"What happened?"

"I noticed that four people were missing from the Halloween feast – one of them being the famous Boy-Who-Lived. As I returned to my dormitory, I found three of the four in a corridor. Emblazoned on the wall, in blood-red paint, were the words 'The Chamber has been opened. Enemies of the Heir, beware.'"

Silence. Then Theo spoke up. "Who were the missing?"

"I'm coming to that."

"What's the Chamber of Secrets, anyway?"

"The Chamber of Secrets is a place believed to have been built by Salazar Slytherin, a school founder. It is a place only his true Heir can enter, and contains a monster. According to Hogwarts, A History, Slytherin disliked the idea of Muggle-borns (like myself) and half-bloods being taught magic. In short, he had a falling-out with the other founders over this, and left the school. It was told that his Heir would one day return to the school and, using the monster, purge the school of all undeserving to learn magic. The students believe that this is the case."

"Don't get Arty started on this. It's like talking to a History book," Blaise joked, albeit slightly uneasily.

"Don't call me Arty, Blaise."

"Seriously, though," Theo said, "be careful. There's no saying they'll leave you alone because you're Slytherin. To them, you're just as Muggle-born as anyone. So…CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" he suddenly roared, making Blaise jump.

"Hey! Don't do that, idiot!"

"My brother's boss says that all the time," Theo shrugged.

"Who's your brother, anyway?" Artemis asked.

"Oh, you're talking about Toby? Tobias just passed his Auror tests. They had a fit when they saw the mark on his arm."

"The Dark Mark?" Blaise said sharply.

"No, no. The Disownment Mark – pretty self explanatory I guess, huh?" Theo rolled up his sleeve. It was the letter N, around which burned silver flames. "It still hurts sometimes."

"Only when it comes into contact with anything metal, yes? Teenage angst is getting to you, Theo. I told you not to go on that Muggle (Artemis had been furious when he found Theo using his computer), or whatever it was called. It's made you worse." Blaise stretched out on a couch and eyed them beadily.

"What are Aurors?" Artemis pressed. As we know, Artemis hated not knowing anything.

"Dark wizard catchers," Theo replied. "But Tobias says that at least a quarter of the Aurors know dark magic, so as long as we don't hurt innocents, we're fine."

"Right," Blaise didn't seem reassured. "Hey, are we going to the Quidditch match tomorrow? Got your green-'n'-silver scarves? Excellent, gentlemen. Want to bet on the match? No? Well, it doesn't matter. We all know Gryffindor's going to win, but let's go anyway."

"And just so you know," a new voice interrupted. It was Blaise's copy. "We investigated the crime scene and found an abundance of spiders, water, and scorch marks that led to a broken-down girls' bathroom. A girl ghost lives in there. Very depressing, she is."

Artemis decided that it was time to play Sherlock and do some investigation of his own later.

* * *

"Slytherin's leading, thirty to none, and Flint drops the Quaffle. Dolt. Anyway, Bell of Gryffindor steals it, and she's flying like an eagle towards the Slytherin posts. And our Chasers pull off a truly excellent Parkinson's Pincer! GO SLYTHERIN! And it's Flint with the Quaffle again – NO, YOU CRETIN, NOT THAT WAY! And he flies head on into a Bludger. Great. He is _such _a genius. Don't use a broom you can't manage. Talking about the other Bludger, it's still stalking Potter, and unless I am much mistaken, it is attempting to sexually assault him – well, Potter got out of the way, he wouldn't have wanted the Bludger to hit THAT place."

Blaise was evidently a huge Quidditch fan, and her loud commentary was just as bad as Lee Jordan's, if not worse. Theo was waving a green and silver flag, and Artemis was watching Potter and the Bludger with his portable (and fairly small) top-of-the-line binoculars, which worked better than Omnioculars when fitted with more magical controls. Everyone was using umbrellas to shield them from the rain.

Sadly, Malfoy was out of hearing range, but this proved to be a good thing.

All of a sudden, Potter screeched to a halt in mid-air after doing an extremely stupid twirl in mid-air. He was staring at something – Malfoy, as Artemis found out – but then Artemis spotted the Bludger whistling through the air –

CRACK.

– and it connected squarely with Potter's arm.

Potter flew slightly forward on his broom, but kept his balance. Artemis observed Malfoy, who was laughing his head off. Metaphorically, of course, but if had been literally, Malfoy might have noticed the Snitch above his ear as his head fell.

"DRACO MALFOY, IDIOT!" Blaise was screaming, but he couldn't hear her through the rain. "IT'S ABOVE YOUR HEAD, MORON!"

OK, apparently Blaise was _the _huge Quidditch fan.

Something whizzed past Malfoy's head and he turned to look at what it was – and finally saw the Snitch. He made a lunge for it as Potter grabbed it, sending both Seekers tumbling to the ground. Potter landed on his back, while Malfoy landed on top of him, leaving them in a seriously compromising position. The blonde got up fast, evidently disgusted.

Artemis and company were one of the first on the scene. Potter was lying on the ground, moaning like some hurt animal. Artemis rolled his eyes. If Potter thought a broken arm was serious, he should disguise himself as a troll and go take on Butler.

"Potter," Artemis said sharply. "Get up."

"Can't you see he's hurt?" Weasley said angrily. Ginny was hovering by his side, her face pale as a ghost. Hermione Granger was fussing over Potter like nobody's business.

"It's quite obvious, Weasley, and I am telling him to get up so he can go to the Hospital Wing, get that bone fixed and stop his incessant whining," Artemis retorted.

"You arrogant little bas –"

(All this while, Colin Creevey was clicking away on his camera like they were yelling: Roll up to watch the incredible freak show! Boy-Who-Lived has a broken arm!)

Lockhart suddenly arrived on the scene, at which point Artemis started pondering if he could be punished for a wandless Hydro Hex (which involved covering the victim in the dirtiest sort of water imaginable – complete with rubbish, filth and seaweed).

Potter suddenly opened his eyes and saw the dazzling green that was Lockhart.

"Oh, no, not you," he moaned.

"Good to see your sanity wasn't affected, Potter," Artemis muttered to him. Potter grinned weakly – a very odd, strained grin.

"Doesn't know what he's saying," Lockhart said loudly.

Artemis glared at him. "_Professor_," he said, sarcasm oozing out of his voice, "I haven't completed my medical studies, but I assure you that Potter is perfectly sane and should go up to the Hospital Wing. You are the Defense teacher, but I doubt you can heal."

Lockhart paid him no attention.

"Stand back!"

Artemis heard the incantation and realized that Lockhart had mixed the Bone-Healing Incantation up with the Ebonovemer Spell – a spell that was as difficult to perform as it was to pronounce. Theo and Blaise had realized it, too.

"DON'T!" Theo yelled.

But it was too late.

Potter's boneless fate made even the emotionless Artemis Fowl feel slightly sorry for him.

* * *

Artemis moved over to Malfoy's empty bed. Taking out his wand, he undid all the locking charms and spells cast on the boy's trunk. Lifting the lid, he quickly found the Invisibility Cloak he'd been looking for. Perfect. He extracted it from underneath its heavy Potions book and donned it fast – he was just about to drape it over his head when he was interrupted.

A voice spoke, chillingly close. "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

Artemis turned. Draco Malfoy stood, smirking at him, not two feet away.

"You're a pretty good thief. But sadly, I caught you .It's surprisingly handy to have your bed near the door, you know."

"Really." Artemis's voice was icy.

Malfoy laughed. "Where are you going at this time of night?"

"Last I checked, Malfoy, it was none of your business."

"Yes…I'm sure Dumbledore, as much as I hate the man, will be delighted to know that the prime suspect of opening the Chamber was caught stealing. I think he'll be interested in the expulsion of a bipolar thief, too. Yes, I saw him stealing the Cloak, in case you were wondering."

Artemis was furious with himself. He should be the one doing the blackmail!

"You installed magic Irises, didn't you?"

Malfoy nodded idly. "Oh, yes. Those contraptions are very useful. Quite popular, too, from what I've heard."

Artemis gritted his teeth to keep in his anger. "Very well. Get under the Cloak."

"Tell me where you're going first."

"Investigation. I, for one, would like to know at what time the Chamber was last opened, and if anyone was expelled during that time. Not to mention the fact that I want to find out why the spiders are all fleeing the castle."

Malfoy smirked. "Great. What are we waiting for?" With that quip, he slipped under the silvery silk of the Cloak and the unlikely pair exited the dorms and common room.

As the duo made their way up the stairs, they found an oddly prone, stiff form on the stairs. It was clutching a camera. Malfoy frowned.

"What…?"

Artemis moved a bit closer. The student was wearing Gryffindor robes, and his face was covered from view by a large camera. "Colin Creevey, Petrified. Well, what do you know? Judging from the grapes next to him, he was planning to pay a little visit to his hero."

Malfoy sighed. "I know I'm famous, yes, but he really didn't have to go to such lengths. Now he's Petrified."

Artemis looked at the blonde. "Maybe all the dumb blonde stereotypes are true, Malfoy. I was talking about Harry Potter."

Malfoy cringed. "I knew that," he sneered.

Artemis stared at something coming down the stairs and suspected he knew who it was. "Hide!" he hissed to Malfoy. "Dumbledore's coming!"

The other boy rolled his eyes. "We're doomed."

"Quit the melodramatics. Let's leave."

"And where, pray tell, do we go?"

"Library," Artemis yanked the blonde idiot inside, the door shutting the second Dumbledore nearly tripped over Creevey.

"Filthy Mudblood! You didn't have to drag me all the way out here!"

"I seem to recall that it was you who asked to be brought along in the first place, Malfoy. And now is not the time to discuss pureblood ideals."

"Gryffindork-loving Mudblood," Malfoy kept muttering all the way to the Restricted Section.

"Gryffindork? How very original of you, Malfoy."

"Why do we have to search in the Restricted Section, anyway?"

"I did my research earlier in the daytime and found nothing. All History books concerning Hogwarts have been taken out. Now please shut up before I have to resort to modifying your memory."

"You don't have the backbone to do something like that, Mudblood."

"Try me."

Finally, Malfoy shut up. Artemis unlocked the door to the Restricted Section and slipped in, followed by Malfoy. Looking closer, Artemis realized that the blonde looked almost scared.

"Oh, don't tell me the Slytherin Prince is afraid of the dark."

Ignoring Malfoy's sputtering, Artemis went over to the section on History, passing Genealogy on the way. Removing a thick volume, he tossed it to Malfoy, who caught it.

"Since you're so obsessed with pureblood ideals, that should keep you occupied while I research."

"How am I supposed to read it here anyway?"

"You're a wizard. Use your imagination. _Lumos_!" Artemis muttered. The narrow beam of light illuminated the dusty tomes in front of him. Scanning the titles, he sighed. There was nothing on Hogwarts records. He'd have to check the tent later. _The Founders' Diaries: The Records of Hogwarts Since Its Founding_ was all there was concerning Hogwarts. It seemed the sixth-years were curious about the Chamber too. Extracting the book, he laid it on a table and opened it.

"Anything in there?" Malfoy asked, coming a bit closer, his curiosity overcoming his dislike for Artemis.

"Nothing," Artemis said softly. "It's blank." Something struck him suddenly. "Do you have a quill and ink, Malfoy?"

The blonde fished about in all his robe pockets. Finally, he took some out. "These are my spares. The dummies I hang around with always forget theirs. Looks like it applies to you, too."

Artemis took the quill and dipped it in the emerald ink. He hesitated, and then drew a quick sketch of the Hogwarts crest on the page. Not very good, but he didn't have the time.

The ink sank in to the parchment. Finally, some elegant, flowing script resurfaced. "You are a very talented artist, Mr. …?"

Malfoy snatched the quill from Artemis. "Malfoy," the blonde scribbled.

Artemis took the quill back, glaring, just as a few more words appeared on the page. It was a bold script, written in thick, calligraphy-like quill-strokes.

"Really," the writing said. "Malfoy, as in Lucius Malfoy?"

"Yes," Malfoy wrote back, snatching the quill again.

Different writing this time. Thin, wandering words, but still completely legible. "I seem to recall that he couldn't draw to save his life. He took out the book and used it for a drawing pad. Awful scribbles."

The bold script was back. "So we – er, complimented him on it."

"Complimented?!" The elegant cursive the boys had first seen was back. "You insulted him to no end! He threw the book at the wall!"

Artemis raised an eyebrow and started some writing. "As entertaining as all this is to watch, I would like to know your names, and whether you are the four founders of Hogwarts as the book title states."

Malfoy snorted. "Hey, genius, why wouldn't it be the founders?"

The bold calligraphy-style writing was back. "Salazar Slytherin."

"Excellent," Artemis said, relieved at finding something.

The flowing cursive read, "Helga Hufflepuff." The thin wandering words stated, "Rowena Ravenclaw." Finally, some thick, capital letters read, "Godric Gryffindor."

"Airhead," Slytherin wrote.

"Being born on Valentine's Day does NOT make me an airhead, Salazar!" Gryffindor wrote furiously.

"You're really showing it --"

"Stop all this squabbling!" Hufflepuff said (or wrote, in this case). "Honestly, I'd think that after a thousand years, the two of you would grow up a bit! Sorry to whoever's writing. Now apologize, both of you!"

"Sorry," both Gryffindor and Slytherin said, in what Artemis imagined to be a contrite tone.

"Anyway," Hufflepuff wrote. "Since there are two different styles of writing appearing, what are your names?"

"Draco Malfoy," Malfoy scribbled.

"Artemis Fowl the Second," Artemis wrote. "We're both second year Slytherins."

"YES!" Slytherin was back. Then there was a pause. "I know Malfoy's a pureblood name, but how did a Muggle-born get in?"

"Simple," Artemis wrote, irritated. "I am a criminal and the Sorting Hat took the liberty of sorting me into Slytherin."

"Good lord," Slytherin replied. "I never imagined that I'd go along with Gryffindor's ridiculous Sorting Hat idea."

"Ignore them," Ravenclaw interrupted. "They're great friends, but they argue a lot."

"Gryffindor and Slytherin? Great friends?" Artemis wrote skeptically. "In our time, Gryffindor and Slytherin are always at loggerheads. The Heir of Slytherin is back and out to kill me and all other Muggle-born students, the Gryffindors despise the Slytherins, and our Head of House plays favourites with us."

"Not that we don't enjoy it," Malfoy added hastily, elbowing Artemis in the ribs. "He's a nice guy."

Silence on the Founders' parts.

"I think you offended them, Fowl," Malfoy muttered in a low voice.

"_We _offended them," Artemis corrected. "Leave it here, or will you be taking it with you?"

"No chance, Mudblood. There are night alarms all over the entrance – connected to the books, I think, so nobody heard us coming."

Suddenly, they heard the caretaker's voice echoing from aisles A and B.

"Are you still willing to take that chance?"

"…No," Malfoy admitted.

"Good," Artemis shrunk the Genealogy book and the Diaries before shoving them in his robe pocket. "Let's get out of here."

* * *

_Um, you can flame me if you like…I know the Elements idea is really old now. It's totally cliché, correct? But in those stories, people control the elements like they have complete control over it. I figured nobody can ever really control the entire element. Only bits and pieces here and there…Rest assured Artemis will NOT ever be a Marty-Stu, I hate them to the core. _

_Arty's weaknesses:_

_Sucks at Herbology. Can't fly for nuts. Bluffs his way through divination. Uses a Quick-Quotes Quill for History lessons. Cannot seem to socialize with anyone outside his three-person social circle. Atrocious at Care of Magical Creatures. Can burn water if set to cooking. Excellent at all kinds of theory but really pathetic at carrying them out (eg. he is good at physics but can't drive a car to save his life). Terrible singing voice. Dust-mite allergy. Fascinated with dragons, but terrified of them in person. Breaks almost every rule he learns about. Has no tolerance for less intelligent life forms (with the exception of Holly Short, Root, his friends – ALLIES, sorry – Butler, his family, and he barely puts up with Juliet.)_

_Hmm…they're not really weaknesses, are they?_

**Clutchy—Oh, yeah, you said Malfoy was evil. My mistake. My update is quite soon, no? (Tosses reviewer a cookie of her choice.)**

**Black Aliss—Arty is probably going to snap one day and hit someone. OK. It would be seriously OOC, but look at what Hermione did with Malfoy. She has a high tolerance level, but after three years she hit him. She has about thrice Arty's tolerance level…hmm…I have an idea…(evil cackle). Oh, here's a cookie. (Tosses reviewer a cookie of her choice.)**

**MuggleBuddy—I usually wake up at noon during the holidays. No big deal. (Tosses reviewer a cookie of her choice.)**

**Kiharu-sama—Thanks. Happy New Year to you, too! (Tosses reviewer a cookie of her choice.)**

Maybe if I accepted flames my review number would increase tenfold?

--Happy New Yearr!!


	8. many mistakes

Author's Notes: I will make a reference to Roald Dahl's book **Matilda**, and she might pop up in a genealogy book (not Merlin-style pop up, metaphorical pop up). It is sort of a crossover, but it is only mentioned here and there. M-e-n-t-i-o-n-e-d. OK? Good. Kudos to those who spotted this first reference.

NO SLASH. But I hope slash fans will still continue reading it even though there won't be any slash pairing.

APOLOGIES - QuickEdit is MESSING UP MY SPELLING AND LINES AGAIN! ARGH!

chapter eight: many mistakes

"Head for the exit at the end of Aisle Z," Artemis whispered. Malfoy scowled, evidently not used to taking orders, but did so reluctantly. Artemis rolled his eyes and held up a silvery cloak. "Simply put, you are stupid. How could you forget an Invisibility Cloak?"

Malfoy went what Artemis presumed to be deep scarlet and tried to take the cloak, but Artemis beat him to it, still smirking in the middle of the impending danger of Filch. "You didn't really think I'd let you make off with a cloak like this and leave me alone here, did you?"

The boys draped the cloak over their heads, Malfoy muttering something incoherent under his breath. Artemis caught the words 'Mudblood' and 'father' in the string of words. They passed the shelves without incident, as Filch was currently searching Aisle E. Unfortunately, as they attempted to exit the Restricted Section, Artemis noticed something. The doors were slamming shut in a row as if in a howling wind.

"The night alarms," Artemis sighed. "Oh dear."

"We're locked in," Malfoy snapped, anger dawning on his pale face, contorting his chiselled features. "You moron!"

"Shut up," Artemis muttered, thinking hard. What spell...? Artemis tried, but failed to lower the sound level, as he was pointing his wand at the wrong thing -- Malfoy.

"I know you're there!" The mangy caretaker was rushing towards them, arms stretched blindly out in front of him, closely followed by his cat. "You can't hide!

"STUPEFY!" Artemis yelled. But his was not the only voice. The caretaker stopped in his tracks, Malfoy's and Artemis's stunners having hit him square in the chest. For a moment he hovered, glowing in mid-air, and then he fell. The convenient thing about it was that he toppled onto Mrs. Norris, his bulk preventing her from doing anything other than breathe and hiss at the unseen intruders. Both boys heaved a sigh of relief.

"You did well," Malfoy said.

"So did you," Artemis replied.

Less than half a second later, the Slytherins realized what they'd just said.

"I did better, though," Malfoy said, turning his nose up at Artemis -- rather odd to look at, on account of Artemis being taller than Malfoy.

"Don't fool yourself, Malfoy. Now shut up and let me figure out how to get out of here or so help me I'll use your blonde head as a battering ram."

The alarm started wailing loudly to the tune of the Hogwarts school song, but for once, neither boy noticed, too busy were they with figuring out how to exit.

"Maybe I should make good on my promise," Artemis said sharply, as Malfoy opened his mouth. The mouth was promptly shut.

"Who's there?"

"Oh no," Artemis muttered. It was Albus Dumbledore and company, searching Aisles A and B. Artemis turned and cast _Furor Tempestis _on the last open door. The Siberian wind blasted it open -- at the moment Filch woke up. He groaned, evidently very dazed. "What? OH! You little rascals! James Potter and Sirius Black again I shouldn't wonder! Get over here!"

"Disoriented," Artemis muttered. "_Now_ let's get out. And don't make any noise."

This was said less than a second before Malfoy, still irritated over the shoving, pushed roughly past Artemis and tripped over his own shoes in the hurry. Artemis sighed. "You're hopeless."

The Siberian desert night wind finally died down, leaving the last open door to slam.

"Oh no," Malfoy muttered. "I'm going to get expelled…What will Father say?"

Artemis glanced to his left and the only remaining alternative, remembering the tent. "Come on."

-----------------------

"You should've realized that the books are really valuable and WOULD set off the alarm, filthy Mudblood!" Malfoy was complaining again, with the exact words he had used earlier. About six times in fact.

"Shut up, Malfoy! We just set off a Hogwarts alarm and jumped out a window, you cretin, and you still insist on drawing even more attention by yelling loud enough to wake the dead?"

As all the doors had been spelled shut, Artemis had broken a window and left via it, using the handholds excavated by Theo. They'd then climbed up one floor and sneaked in through that window, using _Reparo _as they went. Artemis had, in a brief attack of his conscience, looked down to check on Malfoy. He had then realized that he was rather acrophobic.

The Slytherin boys had long since abandoned the idea of an Invisibility Cloak, and Artemis was using Disillusionment Charms to conceal them. Of course, since Artemis hadn't quite mastered the complicated spell, a foot would slip into visibility now and then. Both of them were running at full speed towards the Slytherin common room, but after running into Peeves, two trick doors and four secret passages, they were hopelessly lost.

Despite Artemis's best efforts to deactivate the Hogwarts spell alarms placed on the books, the alarms had started playing the Hogwarts school song in progressively louder tones as the Slytherins tried to leave the Restricted Section. Artemis would have criticized the odd choice of tune if the sounding of the alarm hadn't alerted the majority of the teaching faculty.

Artemis skidded to a halt as a tapestry ahead of them parted to reveal some Ravenclaw girls. They were frowzy and flat-haired, and not nearly as glamorous as they appeared in the daytime. "What --"

Malfoy crashed into Artemis and both of them nearly went sprawling into the girls.

They ducked around them and started looking for the common room, Malfoy telling Artemis in no uncertain terms how lower-class Artemis was.

"Stupid--"

"--Mudblood. Yes, I know. That taunt's getting old, Malfoy. I suggest you vary your vocabulary. Besides, at least we know where the Ravenclaw common room is. It could be useful in future."

For the first time, Malfoy cracked a feeble but clumsy grin. "Forever observing, Mudblood. Very Slytherin of you."

"A Malfoy complimenting a Muggle-born. Amazing."

"Looks like you aren't really inclined to say thank you."

"Neither are you," Artemis replied. "I suggest you use another word other than Mudblood. Just so you know, Theodore finds this highly annoying. I trust you are familiar with his -- short-tempered personality?"

Malfoy drew himself up to his full height. "A Malfoy has no fear, nor does a Malfoy bow to anyone."

"Really," Artemis said sarcastically. "Go ahead then. By all means, call me Mudblood in front of Theodore, just one more time...Even a troll would be terrified."

"That's because trolls are stupid," Malfoy retorted, but Artemis noticed a shadow of apprehension cross his face. Artemis let a smirk travel across his own; a part of his best sinister face. He had, of course, meant a Lower Elements troll, but this did not matter, for it was all the better to intimidate Malfoy.

"Let's go. The teachers are catching up. It seems as if they were already near the library - far too near for our liking."

"You said it, Mudblood." Malfoy paused. "And not a word about this temporary truce."

"Obviously. Besides, what makes you think that I want to be associated with a prejudiced, albeit obnoxious and asinine, being such as you?"

"The fact that you're still talking to me, perhaps?"

"Like you said, it's a temporary truce to get away from our dear Professors. You know very well that both of us have reputations to uphold."

A loud voice suddenly echoed around the corridor. "Have no fear, Headmaster! Rest assured that I will most definitely catch the intruders!"

Artemis glanced at Malfoy, who nodded fervently.

"Let's go. I don't want to think about what Father would say if Lockhart of all people was the one to catch me."

"Imagine the humiliation," Artemis commented. That went down in history as one of the rare occasions that Artemis Fowl and Draco Malfoy ever fully agreed on anything.

------

It had been awhile since the Library Incident, and Artemis had hardly made any headway on the Heir of Slytherin. He'd sent an email to Butler, interviewed Slytherin twice over about possible Heirs (which didn't work as Slytherin was only a copy of his thirty-year-old self) and passed all mid-term exams with flying colours (and the highest results in the school since Tom Riddle was a second-year).

The Weasleys were no-go for Heir of Slytherin candidates -- they were traced directly back to pureblood, but famously righteous wizards. Artemis had never heard of their ancestors, but the Founders were quick to assure him that they all knew the Weasleys' ancestors well and that the redheads were in no way related to Slytherin.

(Speaking of Slytherin, word had gotten around about the Library Incident, aided by the Ravenclaw gossipers. The Slytherins had put two and two together and most of them had come to the conclusion that either Malfoy or Fowl was the Heir of Slytherin. Millicent Bulstrode was personally suspecting Fowl, as she knew Malfoy personally. The said Malfoy was all style and considerably less substance. However, that is of no relevance at the moment.)

The Genealogy book held no record of any Muggles, and had evidently been compiled by a prejudiced pureblood wizard, Orion Black. Any witch or wizard who married a Muggle had been replaced with a charred-looking spot. Artemis was suspicious of the burnt black spot that had represented Angeline Vauthorn. He'd found it in a bid to research the Vauthorn Vault, filled as it was with magic and treasure. Had his mother been a Vauthorn? It was possible. It would explain why he and Juliet had gotten delirious and his mother hadn't (Butler told Artemis later that he'd gotten a splitting headache as well, but hadn't shown it due to military training and policy). Not to mention how she'd gotten the key to the vault.

Despite Artemis poring over the book, there was no way to tell using it, and trips to the library (and a few more to the Restricted Section) proved absolutely fruitless. The book was no use incomplete, and Hogwarts didn't stock enough books. Artemis, however, wasn't going to be forgetting Angeline Vauthorn any time soon.

Lessons passed well, with the exception of Herbology, which Artemis detested. His idea of proper equipment for History of Magic was a nice pillow, some parchment and a Quick-Quotes Quill that took down everything Binns said. Artemis also began experimenting with alchemy, which he found to be an extremely challenging process. (In fact, the first alchemist experiments had been so long and strenuous that Artemis had fallen asleep over the cauldron and thus mixed up the last two instructions, causing the whole thing to literally blow up in his face.)

At the moment, the Hogwarts resident boy genius (with a rapidly increasing I.Q. of 174) was shivering in the glacial Potions classroom. Despite the scarf, gloves and robe, the frost of the beginning of winter still got to him. Add that to the already cold dungeons and you got a freezing Artemis Fowl. The weather was exceptionally icy compared to past winters, and the Slytherins got the worst of it.

Artemis stared blankly at the chalk in front of the blackboard. He had just finished his Swelling Solution, but hadn't even noticed when Snape complimented him in front of the whole class. He did not work well in cold conditions. While most youths attributed their 'brain freezes' to drinking banana smoothies or iced drinks too fast, Artemis got his from the surrounding temperature. He was still as smart and quick-witted as ever, but was currently in the middle of a 'cold lapse', which involved staring at something and only coming out of the reverie to insult those who tried to talk to him.

Theo kept casting worried looks over at Artemis, but the protagonist barely noticed. He seemed to be staring at the chalk an awful lot. How very strange, he decided, but as he felt like concentrating on it, he did.

And that was when the chalk decided to float upwards. It was only a few centimeters, but it moved up nevertheless. Artemis kept staring, concentrating. He could feel his strength ebbing bit by bit, but couldn't quite tear his gaze away from the chalk.

_Move. _Artemis leaned forward in his seat, staring harder now. His energy levels were decreasing faster and more significantly now, but the cold weather ensured that Artemis didn't quite notice it yet.

The chalk floated higher. Higher. And finally, it stopped at Snape's eye level. Artemis vaguely wondered what to write. He then decided that a nice, random phrase would be best.

_Professor Severus Snape, _he scrawled mentally. Not very neat, but he didn't want anyone catching on to what was happening. The chalk followed the mental orders, but dropped in the middle of the last 'e'. It was no particular coincidence that Artemis nearly fainted midway through the elegant letter. Obviously, his fainting disrupted his concentration considerably.

As Snape turned to order Theo to get Artemis to the Hospital Wing, a Filibuster Firework soared through the air and landed smack in the middle of Malfoy's cauldron, giving him a faceful of Swelling Solution. Artemis would have found the result highly amusing had he been conscious to enjoy it, what with Malfoy bearing a nose that was roughly the size of a watermelon.

---------------------------------------------

Artemis was kept under observation for a day and a half, to his great irritation. He ended up insulting Madam Pomfrey to get himself out. Deciding not to think about how the nurse had left nearly in tears (quite a feat), Artemis dressed and started searching for Theo, taking a shortcut through a tapestry as he went. He emerged in an empty corridor with two doors at either end. Pausing to listen for any noises, Artemis heard some voices from the door on his left. He headed towards it and turned the knob on the door, slipping quietly inside.

He found himself in the middle of a hall, with a duelling stage in the middle. The majority of the student population was scattered here and there, but some were still grouped off together; namely Malfoy and his goons, not to mention some others who were talking animatedly amongst themselves.

"If it isn't Athos, Porthos and Aramis," Artemis murmured, lip curling in an unusually Snape-like manner.

The three Gryffindor Musketeers caught sight of him and stopped talking, Weasley sending a pathetic excuse for a glare in Artemis's direction. Artemis sent one of his own back, leaving the redhead looking scared. Weasley immediately turned and started talking to Potter and Granger, who glanced over in Artemis's direction, leaving no doubt who the subject of their conversation was.

Artemis scanned the crowd for a head of white, spiky hair, and soon found it. He moved easily through the crowd, who parted to let him through, many of them muttering and pointing.

Fowl sighed. The rumours about his being the Slytherin Heir were clearly circulating again. Artemis had run into Justin Finch-Fletchley, a second-year Hufflepuff, in the corridors quite often. Upon catching sight of Artemis, Finch-Fletchley had shrieked and pointed, screaming bloody murder and hollering that Artemis was evil. (This was something else that fuelled the Slytherin's-Heir rumours.) Artemis had found this highly amusing at first, but quickly grew tired of it, as people were staring and pointing everywhere he went. He now knew what it had probably been like for Potter as a first-year, what with the whole celebrity business.

It wasn't very long before he found Theo.

"Why are you here now?" the punk muttered. "Pomfrey doesn't usually let her patients out this early…Wait. You're not exactly a normal patient. What did you say to the poor woman?"

"Rather nasty stuff, Theodore. You don't want to hear it."

"Point taken. Who d'you think the coaches are? I know Snape's one, he as good as told us yesterday when the lesson ended – Millie passed on the message."

"Millie?"

"Yes, Millie. Millicent Bulstrode is far too much of a mouthful."

"Indeed. I suggest you avoid the demeaning nickname of Millie, lest she gets the wrong idea. Wait, is that…?"

"Lockhart," Theo groaned. This simple word was closely followed by a lot of profanity. Artemis stepped on his foot to shut him up. Lockhart was bad enough, but Lockhart in violently purple robes that hurt to look at was infinitely worse.

After much unnecessary flourishing and prancing around on Lockhart's part, they finally began duelling. Artemis applauded for Professor Snape; not that he liked him that much, for the professor used his authority to exact petty revenge on students, but he despised Lockhart.

"One…two…three…GO!"

"_Expelliarmus_!" Snape intoned.

"Why doesn't Lockhart cast a Shield Charm?" Artemis wondered. "It's a duelling basic that even a moron could remember."

"Too late," a new voice said. It was Millicent Bulstrode. She had a deep, masculine voice and looked more like a hag than anything else, but Artemis detected a spark of concealed intelligence that he himself recognized. The element of surprise, Artemis mused. Unexpected intelligence was an interesting ace in the hole. "There he goes. Look."

Artemis duly looked, and was met with the highly satisfying sight of Lockhart thudding hard into a wall. Bulstrode cheered.

Sharp, abnormally high-pitched squeals of anguish reached Artemis's ears; so loud that he actually screwed up his eyes and clapped his hands over his ears. It was Pansy Parkinson and her girl gang – Daphne Greengrass, Adrianne Pucey (sister to Adrian Pucey) and a couple of other nonentities. "Technically, it should be humanly impossible to hit such a high note," Artemis muttered. His ears were ringing despite his covering them.

Lockhart moved through the crowd, pairing people up here and there. Theo and Malfoy were to duel each other (with what would be painful repercussions), Bulstrode was squaring off with Hermione Granger, Weasley was with Finch-Fletchley and Artemis found himself with famous Harry Potter, who looked extremely nervous.

Chaos unfolded around both of them before Artemis could even take out his wand. Bulstrode quickly overpowered Granger in a wrestling match of sorts, Finch-Fletchley had set Weasley's hair on fire, and Malfoy and Theo were hexing each other randomly, not caring if their spells hit their target.

"STOP! STOP!" Lockhart yelled, panicking. Artemis sighed at the hopeless case.

"_Finite Incantatem_!" Snape shouted.

After more pointless discussion between Lockhart and Snape, it was decided that they would have a volunteer pair. Artemis was busy recalling the twenty-four other unknown uses for dragon's blood, but he snapped out of his reverie when he heard the words 'Potter and Fowl'. So, they were the involuntary volunteer pair. This should be interesting.

Lockhart looked as if he was giving Potter some 'good sound advice', but it wasn't helping Potter one bit, judging from his nervous expression. Snape bent down and whispered in Artemis's ear, "Remember, first one to disarm their opponent wins. Use the Serpensortia spell. Jab your wand in a –"

"I regret to inform you, sir, that I have long since mastered this spell and need no tuition," Artemis replied, expression completely stoic. Snape looked at him incredulously before nodding politely and moving off.

Lockhart clapped his hands. "Three…two…one…GO!"

Artemis swung his wand up on 'two' and had muttered the incantation by 'one'. A Western Diamondback Rattlesnake burst out of his wand tip, and it reared up, hissing at Potter. Slowly, it slithered towards him. Potter looked like he'd just been Petrified.

Everyone stood frozen, staring. Artemis raised his wand once more, but then the rattlesnake moved towards an audience member – Finch-Fletchley. Suddenly, Potter hurried forward, hissing something at the snake. The snake paused, glanced at Artemis, glanced back at Potter, and went limp. Potter looked at Finch-Fletchley, grinning. The Hufflepuff, however, looked terrified.

"What d'you think you're playing at?!" he yelled, before stomping out of the hall. Potter turned to Artemis, clearly at a loss. He still had his wand.

Out of the corner of his eye, Artemis noticed Theo, Weasley and Granger hurrying towards them. Recalling Snape's words, Artemis aimed his wand once more.

"_Expelliarmus!_"

Potter's wand soared out of his hand. Artemis snatched it out of mid-air, smirking calmly. "I win."

------------------------

Artemis wandered the halls, ducking out of sight whenever a teacher passed by. How to learn more about the Chamber than what the library had to offer? Get information from the source, naturally. If source happens to be a Gryffindor, either make an attempt at befriending it or search for another source. However, they were quickly running short of sources, as everybody knew they'd have a hard time getting information out of Gryffindor-biased Dumbledore. Anyway, Slytherins needed allies, and fairly strong ones to back them up. Friends could be passed on, according to Slytherin House policy, but not any chance at allies.

So Artemis ended up saying hello to Hagrid once in a while, and had once been invited to tea. He ended up swearing off rock cakes for a long time afterwards, and made a mental note to book a dental appointment as soon as possible. The good thing about this, however, was that he got up-to-date news about any odd developments. A strangled rooster...that meant that either the creature fed on roosters or that the Heir had killed it. Somehow, Artemis doubted that a Blood-Sucking Bugbear or Carnivorous Honey Harpy would kill it.

"What are you doin' down here, Art'mis?"

"Hello, Hagrid," Artemis said, glancing at the groundskeeper's left hand, from which a dead rooster dangled. "Another one killed?"

"Yeah," Hagrid shrugged. "Why aren't yeh in class?"

"Cancelled," Artemis said promptly. Actually, he'd sent his copy to take History of Magic with the Quick-Quotes Quill, but he wasn't going to say that.

"Oh?" Hagrid raised a bushy eyebrow. "Wha' happened? Binns bored himself ter sleep?"

"Truthfully...spot on, Hagrid. He did."

"Ah. Yeh want to come over for dinner tonigh'? Bring yer friends."

"I'll see what I can do, provided it's not your...beef casserole."

Hagrid nodded. "It won't be. Yeh can come over any time."

"Thanks, Hagrid." Artemis said goodbye and headed for the Library. Truth be told, he felt a little guilty about manipulating the innocent groundskeeper, but brushed the feeling away. Once inside, he made a beeline for the Magical Creatures Section, passing the Invisibility Section as he went. Suddenly, he spotted a figure lurking in the Invisibility Section, evidently listening in on a conversation -- Artemis could hear faint voices from there.

"Potter?"

The boy jumped, spinning around to catch sight of Artemis. "Oh. You."

"Yes," Artemis said. "Me. Rounding off your intelligent start to the conversation, who're you eavesdropping on?"

"Err...the Hufflepuffs," the Boy-Who-Lived muttered.

"Really now. I wonder what's so important about this conversation that it warrants eavesdropping on the part of the all-important celebrity Harry Potter?" Artemis moved past and, hidden in the shadows, paused to listen.

"They were talking about you earlier, you know," Potter said quietly.

"What?" Artemis said, momentarily forgetting what he was supposed to be doing.

"They think the Heir of Slytherin's either you or me."

Artemis snorted at this. "Indeed." He then turned back to the conversation.

"But he always seems so nice," a girl in pigtails-- Hannah Abbott, Artemis's photographic memory recalled -- said, "and, well, he's the one who made You Know Who disappear. He can't be all bad, can he?"

A stout boy, Macmillan, lowered his voice and spoke in a mysterious tone. Artemis, however, did not need to move to catch what Macmillan was saying. Why hold such a conversation in a quiet but public place where you'd be easy to overhear? A nice, crowded place would be better, where one could barely be heard over the incessant babble.

"No one knows how he survived that attack by You Know Who. I mean, he was only a baby when it happened. He should have been blasted into smithereens..."

Artemis nearly choked at the stupidity of it all. Sadly, the Hufflepuffs heard the sound. "Who's there?" Macmillan said, standing up and looking around bravely, or so he thought.

"Hello, Hufflepuffs," Artemis said, striding out into the open. Potter chose to remain behind the shelf.

The students looked like Artemis had Petrified them on the spot.

"What?" Macmillan said, a squeaky note in his voice.

"Do your research first. Potter's parents were murdered by the Killing Curse. If you'd looked into any Ministry reports on the case, you would find out that the government found their bodies in perfect condition. Except, of course, that they were suffering from the usually fatal affliction of death." Artemis said this in his iciest voice, and was greatly amused to see the nervousness it induced.

"Yeah," Macmillan spoke up. "But Potter's a Parselmouth. The mark of a Dark wizard. Have you ever heard of a decent one who could talk to snakes?"

"Yes. I speak for a few friends when I say that Salazar Slytherin was indeed a fairly decent wizard." By a few friends, Artemis meant the other three Founders, Theo and Blaise. "Besides, there are countless Dark wizards in most countries, and hardly any of them are Parselmouths."

"Salazar Slytherin wasn't a decent wizard," Abbott said timidly.

"Really. Have you ever met him?"

"Have you?" she said defiantly.

"I have my ways," Artemis said calmly.

They looked surprised at this. "And why are you defending Potter? You're a slimy Slytherin."

"I have my reasons," Artemis said loftily. "Oh, and Potter, come out from behind there. You breathe so loudly that a blind person could locate you anyway. I'll leave you to settle the argument." With that, Artemis left the Library, hearing raised voices behind him as he went.

He went up a floor and down a few corridors before he saw the bodies of Justin Finch-Fletchley and Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington, Petrified.

"What do we have here?" Artemis murmured softly, bending down to examine them. The ghost's body was pure black, and both of the Hogwarts inhabitants had terror-stricken expressions plastered to their faces. "What could Petrify a ghost...?"

He turned on his heel and headed back to the library, resolving to look up Petrification again, and to research some more Magical Creatures.

Captain Holly Short of the LEPRecon Unit was in a good mood. She'd actually risen early enough to have a decent breakfast, and it was a nice full moon that night, with wind in all the right places. Perfect weather for flying. Trouble Kelp was going with her – they were good friends, after all. Foaly kept making jibes about it, but Holly and Trouble both maintained that their relationship was strictly platonic.

However, this didn't prevent Holly getting glares from Lili Frond, who'd actually stopped reading _Seventy _(Lower Elements version of _Seventeen_ magazine) long enough to realize that her crush was going out to fly with her arch-rival.

"You're such a GUY!" Lili spat at Holly as the captain headed for the chutes. Suddenly, a bright idea occurred to Lili. "Hey! Wait up!"

Holly and Trouble turned. "What?" Holly had a feeling that this night wasn't going to end well, and she knew to trust her intuition after the disastrous Artemis Fowl affair. She gritted her teeth. "Yes?" she said sweetly, baring her teeth in a cheesy, fake grin. Trouble frowned at her, evidently annoyed by this. Holly glared at him (the effect was spoilt by her fake grin). The one day she got off from stakeout and here he was putting up with Lili's trash.

"I'm going with you!"

Holly groaned mentally. "That's very nice, Lili," she said in her best Fowl-style condescending tone, "but Trouble and I have been planning the outing for a while, you see…"

"Not a date," Trouble hastily supplied. Holly concurred with a nod, big cheesy grin still plastered to her face. Lili sighed and flipped her blonde hair back in true bimbo style. She fluttered her newly-curled eyelashes at Trouble, bringing out the heavy artillery shortly afterwards – the dreaded big, baby-blue irises.

"Oh, _please_, Trouble…can I _please _go with you? I haven't flown for _such _a long time, so can I go? Pretty please with sugar on top?" She pulled the puppy-eyed face at Trouble, who looked like he actually thought it was cute. Holly thought Lili looked like a blonde housefly. And she said so.

Lili's eyes welled up with crocodile tears (they were still held wide open). "Holly…" she sniffed. "I thought (insert hiccup) y-you were m-m-my friend-d-d!"

"Shut up, Lili. Nobody wants you around right now, or any time for that matter. Didn't you get the memo?" Holly snarled. "Oh wait, you probably did after the last six hundred and seventeenth time I told you. It just didn't sink through your thick blonde head. I'll put it simply: get the hell out of here and stop bothering us."

"Fine, Lili. I don't want to be caught up in the middle of a catfight. Let's go. All of us," Trouble interrupted, glancing at Holly.

I thought you were more sensible than that, Holly fumed silently, as Lili shot her a smug look behind Trouble's back, completely devoid of any tears, fake or otherwise. Holly promptly decided that after she and Trouble got back from the flight, she would tell Foaly Trouble's real name. Excellent blackmail material, she smirked. (Anyone who had seen Artemis Fowl smirk would have gaped at the astonishing similarity.)

Had either female elf known how the seemingly innocuous trip would turn out, they would have left right there and then.

The Koboi DoubleDex wings were excellent, Holly mused. Wonderful speeds and a stunning design too. Better than the last Dragonflies that Foaly had given her for a flight. Even the shielding couldn't throw off the steadiness the wings provided.

She soared up to seven thousand feet. The view was splendid from there, some sighting of Scotland. She'd stopped by Iceland and New Zealand earlier. Even a moron like Lili could appreciate that kind of view. She vaguely recalled the _Lord of the Rings _books, which they'd studied in high school. If there was ever a Middle-Earth, it should be in New Zealand.

Holly suddenly remembered the hopeless romantics in her class fawning over the elf-human love and shuddered. It hadn't ended well for the characters in the story; it wouldn't end well in real life.

Musings over, she flew over Scotland. The scenery wasn't too bad, nothing on Ireland though. Suddenly, she screeched to a halt in mid-air, which resulted in Lili crashing hard into her, knocking the wind out of both of them. After some yelling on Holly's part, both of them turned to the object that had made Holly stop. Trouble braked gracefully beside them. "What is _that_?"

It was a large castle, a village separating them from it. Holly could feel the magic radiating from it, even at this distance. Lili flipped her hair again. "This is clearly an ideal red-flag building. We ought to investigate it. So much magic in the air; the inhabitants are clearly Lower Element people. They should be apprehended."

"Wow, Lili, I never knew that you actually knew the meanings of 'investigate' and 'apprehended'," Holly deadpanned. "Besides, some humans know magic too. Not the science, let's-pull-that-rabbit-out-of-the-hat magic. Wand-waving, potions sort of magic. Don't you remember it?"

Lili tossed her head. "No."

"This is one of those zones, like Bom Arbles's Russian experience and your own encounter with the non-electronic area in France, Trouble."

"I shall be reporting you for negligent police duty, Short," Lili frowned from under her sealed helmet.

Trouble looked really apprehensive. "Lili, I don't think you should go." He was obviously recalling the incident in which he'd ended up in a French palace that deactivated all his electronic appliances.

"Too late," Holly said over the radio. "She left already."

True enough, the 'dummy' as Holly knew her was flying at full speed towards the castle, practising her Apprehending Speech as she went. How Lili had managed to memorize it, Holly had no idea.

"Lili Frond! You get back here, now!" Holly hissed. The blonde paid her no heed. "D'Arvit!" she swore. "Answer me!"

There was nothing but white noise and a couple of squawks from Lili's area.

Trouble turned towards Holly. "Think we should follow?"

"Use your brain, Trouble. Whatever's in that area deactivated all her electronics. Knowing her and how infernally convinced she is about police rules, she's going to walk right in and try to arrest everyone in that building. She'll get lost in a castle like that. If we follow, we might as well be dead to the LEP. And we'd get lost trying to find her without equipment." Holly was irritated now -- firstly because Trouble hadn't realized what would obviously happen, and secondly because she was acting cautious and making Fowl-worthy speeches. It was very uncharacteristic of her.

Artemis was staying for Christmas under the pretence that he was studying for the final exams in advance. He didn't like having to lie to his mother, but could see no other alternative except 'mother, there is a murderous creature going around the school and it might kill me, so can I please stay at school for Christmas'. Blaise had left, leaving Artemis with Theo, who now had to be escorted everywhere lest he turn Dark in a fit of rage.

Artemis woke up on Christmas morning to the unpleasant sensation of Malfoy pouring a bucket of iced water over him. After a lot of yelling on the platinum blonde's part, he ended up in the hospital wing after being hexed half to death. On-lookers immediately decided that Fowl was not a morning person, which was true. Artemis was definitely a creature of the night.

There was 'good morning' and 'merry Christmas' all around the Slytherin boys' dorms. Artemis muttered something along the lines of 'bah, humbug' and started opening his presents.

His first present was from Theo, a stack of parchments that were used to talk to people via writing, regardless of their presence. Give one to someone else, write their name on your parchment, and you could speak with them. It wasn't one-use, either. The parchment wiped clean after it was fully written all over. For a moment, Artemis felt a bit guilty for only giving Theo some Blood Pops, but brushed the feeling away immediately as he remembered the other present he'd given Theo.

To Artemis's surprise, Hermione Granger had given him a present too. She had designed a Fowl crest, or coat of arms. Apparently, the coat of arms was a must for many Slytherin purebloods. In this case, it was the serpent Artemis had conjured at the Duelling Club, curled around a medieval-style letter F. Artemis didn't really know how she'd spelled it to take the form of a badge, but he didn't complain. The Fowls had focused more on crime than on crests, anyway.

His third present had obviously come via the family owl, purchased in Diagon Alley, apparently. Angeline Fowl had sent her son a deep green (nearly black) cloak, plus some new black robes and brown dragon-hide boots. Artemis smiled despite himself, but the smile vanished when he saw that Juliet had sent him a large bottle of cologne and the newest Muggle fashion for males.

Butler had sent a Christmas card and a copy of _The Da Vinci Code_, although it wasn't correct protocol to send your charge a present. Blaise had bought him a spy-crystal. The artifact was spelled to respond only to Artemis's voice, and he just needed to say someone's name to see that someone.

The next package was a mere card, and Artemis opened it without much difficulty. He frowned and read the slanted, elegant writing.

_Word has reached my ears that you are on the hunt for the creature that prowls the school. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HURT IT. You will be killed instantly. _

_I will give you a little hint to help you on your quest: look to the sign of the serpent._

_Apparently you are very observant, according to my spies. You should be able to locate it._

_-- A friend_

"Look to the sign of the serpent?" Artemis muttered. "What...?"

Theo's head popped up. "Hey, Arty, thanks for the com-device. An arm brace, and a punk-style one at that. Excellent."

"If you really insist on talking about the communication device, at least speak via the device itself."

--_Aurum Potestas Est. _Right--, Theo said sheepishly. --Sorry. --

The com-device, as Theo called it, took the form of an arm brace for him, and it was spelled so that the Slytherin trio could communicate mind to mind. Artemis's had originally been a platinum ring, so he charmed the badge to merge with the ring. The Fowl coat of arms showed up on the ring in full colour, complete with white gold F, green background, black snake and surrounding golden border. It operated simply; speak a password and you could communicate one-way with the person to whom the password belonged. It could be two-way provided they spoke your password too. Artemis's was the Fowl motto.

--Blood Pops. Never mind, Theodore. --

--What's Blaise's password again? --

--Serpenstrength. --

--Serpenstrength, -- Theo repeated.

--_Aurum Potestas Est_, Blood Pops. Why is your password so long, Artemis? --Now Blaise was involved in the conversation.

--Good morning, Blaise. --

--What's your com-device? -- Theo asked.

--Is that what you call it or did you just coin it, Theo? Anyway, it's an ear stud. Real diamonds, Arty? --

--Obviously. Wouldn't you have noticed, being a pure-blood? -- Artemis replied.

--Wouldn't an ear stud have been more appropriate for me? -- Theo asked.

--Considering your multiple ear piercings, perhaps. But it could have worsened your ear infection, -- Artemis said calmly.

"I have an ear infection?!" Theo yelped out loud.

--He has an ear infection?! -- Blaise snapped.

--No. I lied. -- Artemis's expression was stoic.

Theo relaxed. --Thank Merlin. Don't scare me like that. --

--Deception ran in his veins like blood, -- Blaise quoted the Shakespearean play, which Artemis was a bit surprised she knew. --You won't be able to stop Arty on this kind of thing. --

--Don't call me Arty. --

--Good news, by the way, -- Blaise said.

--What? -- both males inquired.

"I'm back for Christmas!"

Artemis's and Theo's heads snapped around. Blaise was grinning, leaning up against the door. "I decided to come back. You two were so absorbed in your thought-speak that you didn't notice me."

"Artemis Fowl not notice anything? Don't count on it," Theo said, hugging Blaise for reasons Artemis decided that he already knew.

"As a matter of fact, I am very observant," Artemis smirked. "Merry Christmas."

"I thought you were the 'bah, humbug' type?" Blaise asked, disentangling herself from the hug.

"He is," Theo said. "But not as bad as Snape."

"Talking about professors," Blaise said innocently. "I'm going to play a prank on them. Maybe the Gryffindors too."

"Not too many people are staying over Christmas, due to the Chamber and all," Theo pointed out.

"Yeah, but who even cares?" Blaise was smiling again. "I've always been a bit of a prankster, myself. I'm never very original, and my transfigurations and potions suck, but I'm not bad at charms."

"Which reminds me, Blaise," Artemis said as he drew the curtains to change. "I've been meaning to ask you something. Why is it that you are terrible at abnormally easy transfiguration but excel at illusions, which are complex transfiguration spells?"

His simple question was met with a long silence.

"Well?" he finally asked.

"Don't ask questions, OK?"

Artemis actually smiled before he realized what he was doing. "Point taken."

"So. You didn't check Slytherin's line for his descendants?"

"As a matter of fact, no. Just try looking up the line of history's strongest Dark wizard in the Hogwarts library."

"Ah. So…two Gryffindors down, not counting their ghost – rather nice chap, he was. A Hufflepuff was also Petrified." Blaise glanced at Artemis. "It's kind of obvious that everything's coming from our House, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't look out for yourself."

"Obviously."

"Yeah. Do you like the present?"

"Yes, thanks. Shall we go? It's nine in the morning already and I'm starving."

I'm trying for long updates, so they'll be a bit irregular.

I'm relying on the Harry Potter Lexicon calendar for my writing.

Please review. I know some people can't be bothered, but is it really so beneath 'The Family Name' that about two-thirds more people than my regular reviewers review every chapter of it?

Tell me what you think. Always open to good but nice criticism.

--me


	9. christmas charm

I really shouldn't ask for reviews…it seems to get me less. Sorry if this gave anyone POV problems, but it's not that I didn't put the lines; it's that they stopped working.

Clutchy: OK, thanks. You decide on that. Excuse me while I leave to grin evilly. Don't worry; I won't Petrify him…yet…If he was petrified now it would totally wreck the story!

MuggleBuddy: Oops. I meant Siberian night wind, not Siberian desert night wind. Thanks for pointing out the mistake. Yup, it was based on the stuff from my other story. Told you it was a rewrite.

Kiharu-sama: The age difference, yes…But isn't Holly quite young in fairy terms? Thanks for reviewing!

Black Aliss: Short reviews lately I see.

(I toss every reviewer a cookie. "I'll give readers who didn't review last chapter a box of cookies each if you go back and review last chapter. I SWEAR ARTEMIS ISN'T AN ELEMENTAL!")

Something about the way Artemis and Malfoy fight reminds me of Yuki and Kyo…Sorry for any spelling errors that are caused by QuickEdit.

* * *

**Chapter Nine: Christmas Charm**

"_We used it until last winter, but it's caved in – completely blocked."_

_-- Fred and George, referring to a secret passage behind a mirror, 'Prisoner of Azkaban'_

Dinner that night – a steaming lamb stew and apple pie -- was a fairly quiet affair, with Snape insulting Lockhart and Malfoy insulting Artemis, who insulted right back with no trouble. It went something like this:

"I feel so sorry for you, having to stay over Christmas because nobody wants you back home," Malfoy would say, adding 'Mudblood' in an undertone.

"Then why are_ you_ still here?"

It would go on like this until Artemis finished whatever course he was taking, where Malfoy would proceed to taunt Artemis again.

"You need a serious character adjustment, Malfoy." Artemis paused to sip his pumpkin juice. "Have you considered reincarnation?"

The Gryffindors ducked under the table, evidently giggling hard. When they came up, Blaise's little Christmas charms activated, morphing their clothes into various outfits.

Malfoy was a giant, waddling Christmas turkey, who tended to make a sound like 'gobble-gobble' in between intervals of a few minutes. Potter was dressed as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, complete with bright red nose and antlers, not to mention a little tuft of a tail.

Snape was decked out as a devil, horns and all. Theo took the form of an angel, halo included in the package, with white pants, wings and shirt free. Lockhart had taken on an Artemis Fowl complexion (now with wrinkles), and his hair and robes had been dyed such a dull grey that one would want to vomit at the sight.

The Weasleys were reindeer too, all of their deer outfits varying in size. Artemis glanced at himself. Black hooded cloak, very good. Skin starting to look even paler than just now? Excellent for intimidation. He felt a little prickling around his gums and conjured a mirror quickly.

"I have fangs now, it would seem. How did you manage to turn my irises cinnamon-coloured, Blaise?" He'd rather liked them blue, but this particular shade of red wasn't bad. Dumbledore, decked out in Santa Claus – San D'Klass, Artemis remembered – outfit, was watching him warily. Snape had stopped taunting Lockhart and was looking at him with a more than a bit of fear on his face. Theo scooted back slightly from Artemis, glaring at him.

"Since you always smiled like that," Blaise pulled a crude imitation of a vampire smile, "I figured that you might want to be one for a couple of hours."

"Yes, but could you take the charm off? I'm scaring Snape, Dumbledore and Theo."

"It won't come off for two hours."

"I'm going to the library now. I trust I'll be meeting you at the common room in an hour?"

"No problem. Hey – take a shortcut. Remember what I said this morning."

"You sound like a housewife fussing over her child."

Artemis bid his friends – correction, allies, according to dear Malfoy's rule – goodbye and headed to the library. The library was on the fourth floor, to the east, but Artemis headed northwards. There was a statue of Nymeria the Nymph in a corridor adjoining the kitchens'. Artemis descended a staircase and came face to face with the Nymph.

"_Asharium_!"

The Nymph sank into the floor and moved left, leaving a nice hole for Artemis. He jumped in and repeated the password. After making sure that the statue had returned to its original position, Artemis continued on.

He'd made some sort of a private lair here. The tent had Blaise poking around, the Room of Requirement would end up giving his location away to anyone who 'needed' it and the Slytherin common room and boys' dorms had Malfoy poking around. Considering how much they hated each other, Blaise and Malfoy had more in common than they admitted. Either way, there wasn't really an area where he could really get privacy, except here – a location he'd weaselled out of, ironically, Godric Gryffindor.

The stair-passage to this little cave-like place led from the fourth floor downwards and forked at the first floor. The one on the right, Artemis knew, led to Hogsmeade, the wizarding village. He never blocked it off. Instead, he climbed a few stairs and created a magical door that could only be opened by the Gnommish word for 'open'. Not very good, he knew, but how many students knew Gnommish?

Artemis had, of course, had to furnish this totally bare area. He kept his spy crystal here, along with a Sneakoscope. Unreliable, apparently, but it could work surprisingly well. Artemis had gotten suspicious when he'd walked past a rat in a corridor and the Sneakoscope had started whistling loudly – suspicious, that is, of both the rat and the Sneakoscope.

Of course, Artemis had some other objects here as well. A miniature, circular library of books on magic, Muggle items and a copy of the fairy Book. Artemis rarely read for leisure, but he did have a collection of psychology books down there (his own), plus some crime novels and a now-dusty _The Da Vinci Code_.

The good thing about this particular area was that Artemis had a LEP-style computer system here – something like an operations booth.

Two monitors ran at all times. One was CNN, and the other had the LEP micro-site on it. Artemis clicked on the Missions link – he was logged in under Trouble Kelp. He snorted. Trouble? Why couldn't the fairy admit his real name?

"Captain Trouble Kelp of the LEPRetrieval Squad. Mission…" Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Locate a missing officer, Cadet Lili Frond. In Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry." This should be interesting. "You will be assisted by LEPRetrieval One and Captain Holly Short of the LEPRecon Unit."

"Captain Short. Really." Artemis paused, before looking up Lili Frond. She was a blonde airhead, apparently. A disgrace to the name of Frond, he mused. I've never been one for stereotypes, but why were all the blondes he had met (fairly, in Juliet's case) dumb?

He spent fifty-four minutes reading up on magical illnesses (in a 'borrowed' book) before he realized the time and stood up, replacing the book as he went.

He never noticed the Bloody Baron, bloodstained robes flowing elegantly behind him, pass into the room through the stone walls.

* * *

"_The pureblood families are all interrelated."_

_-- Sirius Black, 'Order of the Phoenix'_

The twins somehow reminded the Baron vaguely of his right-hand man. His servant of old. Draco Malfoy the First, son of a poor family, known to the castle staff by the demeaning nickname of 'Peeves' because of his jokes and love for mischief. Peeves had been a terrible potions assistant, but the Baron, once a potions professor before he became of age to inherit his father's title – the second, in fact, tutored by the great Slytherin himself – had kept him around. He had no idea why.

Red hair…the Baron couldn't help but smile at that. Draco Malfoy the First had vivid red hair. And a brother, of course, only blonde. Hayden Malfoy, the ghost's favourite student.

He chuckled again, which did not fit his features well. They'd been pretty stiff for a thousand years. Draco Malfoy the Second, founder of the Weasley line? The fact alone nearly made him laugh again. It had been Hayden, ashamed of his brother's carelessly disposing of the Malfoy name to escape the authorities, who carried on the line. Heck (here the ghost shuddered at his blatant use of 'modern' vocabulary), the Malfoys and Weasleys were so closely related (aside from the last few generations), their hatred was completely ironic.

The Baron did rather like the Fowl boy, though. Devious, smart beyond belief, and powerful. There was no chance of him being an Elemental; he was too strong for that. The Elements believed in equality. The ghost sighed. Now, if only Fowl had been pureblood…

Yet again, it was Godric Gryffindor, and his blasted descendant, that were stronger than him and Slytherin again. Godric had been gifted, better than most in magic, but so self-confident. Slytherin, on the other hand, had practiced hard and finally outdone the Founder. Said Founder, however, had seen fit to kill him, the Baron's mentor. Great.

Wait. The Baron revised his earlier thoughts. Weasleys and Malfoys related? Draco Malfoy the First, Peeves? Well, it was all true, but still…The ghost smirked to himself as he floated out of the room he had built. It sounded very much like a cheap soap opera to him.

He, the ghost decided, really had to stop allowing Friar to force him into watching that ghastly Muggle contraption they called TV.

(Reminder to self: put a line here.)

"The Dark Lord will rise again," Draco Malfoy III muttered in mocking imitation of Lucius, snorting. He wasn't THAT much like his father. True, he shared the idea that pure-bloods were infinitely more powerful. He knew that pure-bloods held a high position in wizarding society, so he made use of his status. But even he had heard the tales of the Dark Lord, and had decided he wasn't low enough to snogging the Dark Lord's feet. "Stronger than ever. Good heavens, father, when are you going to understand the simple fact that teenagers rebel?"

"Are you talking to yourself? That's the first sign of insanity." Crabbe said. Draco shot him a funny look.

"You never articulated the word 'insanity' properly before, you know…"

Crabbe looked nervous. "Really? Oh, OK."

Draco decided that there was something wrong with Crabbe. He was acting far too smart and even reminded him of that idiot Weasley. The way he'd clenched his fist when Draco had showed him the article. Malfoys, Crabbes and Goyles had always hated Weasleys, and vice versa. Enough said, and he'd wanted a laugh, after all, what with Fowl returning every insult he shot at him…

Speaking of Fowl, he was coming in through the portrait hole. "Oi! Fowl! I need to talk to you. Get over here!"

"Are you blind or have you just mistaken me for a house-elf? I'm less than four feet away from you. You come over yourself."

Draco groaned mentally and went over. "OK. Crabbe's acting weird."

"Your point?" Fowl looked unimpressed.

"Yeah? You think that's bad? Go talk to your pals over there. You should've seen them. I saw them earlier when they thought nobody was around. Crabbe, cousin Zabini, and bloody Nott. Talking together in one little group about Merlin knows what."

Fowl looked slightly worried now. "We should check it out."

"Oh, NOW the genius realizes there's something wrong with his friends."

"No," Fowl said coolly. "I can tell from here that there's something wrong with my friends – oh dear, Malfoy, _allies_, sorry. Their mannerisms, the way they walk, and even their dialogue. They're not wearing the presents I gave them either."

"Yeah, and you didn't figure that out when I told you about Crabbe?"

"I couldn't care less about your shaved gorilla. I would simply prefer it if my allies retained their sanity," Fowl shot back. "You get Crabbe into the dormitory. I'll get my companions. We'll hold the little interrogation there."

Draco was thoroughly irritated at the idea of taking orders, but obeyed anyway. Although he wasn't going to admit it to anyone else, it was what he would have done.

"What are you doing?" 'Crabbe' protested loudly as Draco dragged him brutally up the stairs. Draco didn't reply.

By the time he'd heaved Crabbe's bulk to the dorm, he slammed the door behind him. Fowl was there, waiting with his Silver Trio friends. It was the same for trios. The Leader – that was Fowl, and Potter for Gryffindor. The Sidekick – Theodore and Weasley. The Brainy One – Blaise and Granger.

Only for Draco, there was no brainy one in his trio. Bulstrode was smarter than she let on, yes, but she rarely hung around anyone but Parkinson.

Draco slammed the door again, remembered it was already shut midway through the shoving movement, and somehow ended up kicking himself. He swore silently. Malfoys were supposed to be graceful and poised at all times.

"Really intelligent of you, Malfoy. But now is not the time to argue."

Everyone other than Draco looked puzzled. Fowl and Malfoy not fighting? It must have been snowing in Africa right about then.

"Right," Draco muttered. He performed his best locking charms on the door. "So. Crabbe."

"Uh, yeah?" 'Crabbe' asked.

"Theodore Nott," Fowl smirked. "Blaise Zabini. What do you two have to say for yourselves now?"

Everyone looked puzzled. Again.

"Question for you two," Fowl said melodramatically – at least in Draco's opinion. "What were the passwords in the letters I gave you?"

Passwords? Now Draco was interested.

"Err…" Both of them were stammering. Fowl seemed happy.

"Excellent," the raven-haired boy said, smirking. "So, who am I speaking to now?"

"Going straight to the point, are we, Fowl?" Malfoy thought.

"Us," Blaise said worriedly. "Are you all right?"

"Let me guess," Fowl continued. "Crabbe is acting odd. Both of you are acting odd. And Malfoy was so kind as to tell me that the three of you were chattering away in a deserted corridor earlier. If you had been more observant, you would know that Crabbe does not talk to anyone other than Malfoy and Goyle.

"Therefore, given your oddly Gryffindor-like ways of acting earlier, I can only conclude that you are the Dream Team. Correct?"

"No," Zabini said, looking petrified. "We should really get you to the hospital wing."

"Snape," Draco put in, "mentioned the Polyjuice Potion in class once. It lasts for an hour and transforms the drinker into whoever they wish provided they have the ingredients. You're acting Gryffindorish and the only Gryffindor who actually listens in Potions is Granger.

"Snape kindly told me that the Polyjuice Potion was only mentioned to us. Call it a special privilege," Fowl said. "Gryffindor personalities are a huge contrast to those of Slytherins'. You can't act, for one. Let's wait for an hour and see if you're telling the truth, shall we?"

"No need," said Draco curtly. "The real Crabbe disappeared some time after you left dinner, to 'go to the toilet', according to him. He was tailed by Weasley. I stayed to chat with Snape. My dear cousin and Nott disappeared for a little private time less than a minute after that, followed by Potter and Granger the Mudblood."

Fowl smirked. Crabbe's giant spade-shaped hands had curled themselves into fists at Draco's last word. "Well, it would appear that at least part of my assumption is correct. Crabbe's behaviour is so typical of Weasley. Oddly enough, Weasley seems fitted to the role of dumb bodyguard."

Draco sighed. "And here I was hoping that Crabbe could actually have undergone a miraculous intelligence increase…"

* * *

Artemis checked his appearance in one of the magical mirrors plastered to the Slytherin dormitory walls. Cinnamon eyes, paler skin. Check, check. One more hour and the vampire look would finally be gone. Red eyes were intriguing, but got rather tiresome after a while. Honestly, he looked like an albino. 

Suddenly, he felt a jolt of stinging pain travel up his leg from the ankle. Bending down quickly and lifting the hem of his robes to check the cause, he found a large red welt there. He stood up and glared at Malfoy, who did not look in the least bit ashamed. "Stop checking your hair, Fowl. You're acting like a girl."

Artemis cast a pointed look at Malfoy's gelled hair. "_I _check my hair too much? You're the one with a peroxide fetish."

"Peroxide?" 'Crabbe' and Malfoy looked puzzled. Zabini didn't, which Artemis noticed. It was definitely Granger impersonating Blaise.

"It should be about five minutes, give or take a few seconds," Artemis stated.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Malfoy said, rolling his eyes.

"Stooping to childish insults, are we, Malfoy?"

Malfoy was spared answering by the sudden sound of voices in Artemis's head.

--_Aurum Potestas Est!_ MY HEAD! I'VE GOT A MIGRAINE!—Blaise screamed.

--_Serpenstrength. _Really,-- Artemis said, completely emotionless. –Where are you?—

--Somebody stuffed us into a cupboard and didn't have the decency to leave the doors open. It's an airing cupboard. A LOCKED airing cupboard. And we're stuck here with Crabbe. Both the idiot and Theo are out cold.—

"Miss Granger? Where did you lock my fri – allies?"

"Fri-allies? Uh…" Granger (bushy brown locks were now covering Blaise's blonde head) seemed nonplussed at a student addressing her as Miss Granger. "We left them a floor above us. It's a locked cupboard next to the stairs."

"An airing cupboard?" questioned Artemis cryptically.

"Ye – oh, no…" Granger paled (she was back to her old self, just in Slytherin robes). "Shall I go get them with you?"

"No need, Miss Granger. I'll take the liberty of getting them myself," Artemis said coolly. "Malfoy."

"What?" the blonde snapped. He and Weasley were having a highly immature staring (glaring) contest.

"Make sure that nobody gets up to any mischief here. You may be a racist, but I don't trust the Gryffindors not to hex you and make a run for it. Keep an eye on them."

"Whatever." And thus the glaring contest resumed.

Artemis sighed and left the dorm. Descending the stairs, he activated the camera he'd planted behind the mirror. The glass lens blended perfectly, so nobody noticed. The computer screen of the C Cube showed any happenings in the room. So far, so good. He left the common room without incident (except that a fourth-year tried to accost him on the way – the boy was left tied up on the divan) and within five minutes was strolling calmly across the room, a gagging Blaise, Theo and Crabbe by his side.

The minute Blaise saw the Dream Team there, she started screaming at them, even going so far as to stride across the room and jab Weasley in the chest hard. (I would put the yelling, see, but I'm afraid that would put a lot of restrictions on this tale.) Finally, Artemis gave up with his conjured ear plugs and cast a Silencing Charm on Blaise from behind.

"Now that we are all gathered here comfortably, I have a proposition for you all."

Everyone in the room turned their gazes towards Artemis. Theo was the first to speak, in a hoarse sort of voice. "How does" – he coughed hard – "this involve" – another cough – "both Gryffindors and Slytherins?" he wheezed.

"I suggest you get some water for that nasty sore throat of yours, Theodore." Artemis then noticed Blaise jabbing at her lips. "Yes, Blaise, I am perfectly aware that you would like Theodore to kiss you, but I never knew that you felt _that _way about me."

Blaise gave up pointing at her lips. She looked absolutely furious, and then ran towards Artemis, grabbed him by the neck and started to choke him.

"All right!" Artemis gasped out. "_Finite Incantatem_!"

"Better," Blaise said grumpily. "You sick pervert."

"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by a certain individual, I was going to propose that Slytherins and Gryffindors form an alliance." Artemis glanced at everyone's blank faces and sighed. "A working partnership, you could say. Strictly platonic, with no other inter-house relationships whatsoever. Call it whatever you like. All I am suggesting is that we work together to find out who the culprit of all this mayhem really is."

"Are you mad?" Potter and Malfoy yelled in unison.

"I was admittedly hesitant about this idea, but Gryffindor courage mixed with Slytherin strategy and cunning makes an excellent combination, don't you think?"

"And I don't see why _you _would want the Chamber closed," Weasley said defiantly. "You _are _a slimy Slytherin."

"And," countered Artemis frostily, "a Slytherin policy is this: Save your own skin first. You'd never be able to aid your allies if you didn't have sufficient time to strategize, no?"

"Why would you want the Chamber closed?" Weasley ploughed on relentlessly.

"Didn't you figure it out by now?" Theo snarled, temper flaring up. "Fowl isn't exactly a wizard name, is it?"

Comprehension slowly dawned on Weasley's face. "Oh…"

"Yes," Artemis said briskly. "So, what do you think? Are we all agreed upon this?"

"Why not get some others?" Potter asked. "Ravenclaws would be good. I mean, the Hufflepuffs don't like either of us at the moment, yeah, but…"

"The Ravenclaws are admittedly rather intelligent, but don't know how to apply it on anything other than classes or homework," replied Artemis.

Granger sighed and reached out a hand to shake. "If you solemnly swear not to harm us at all during the alliance, you have yourself a deal."

Artemis glanced at the hand. "Of course I would agree. I was the one who brought it up, in case your memory fails you." He turned to Malfoy, leaving Granger's hand. "And you?"

Malfoy glared. "Fine. Mudblood."

Artemis rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to bother with a pithy comeback this time." To the Gryffindors, he said, "Can you find your way back from here?" They nodded. "Excellent." He nodded politely at them all. "Goodnight. Merry Christmas, by the way."

* * *

Author: The sequel, Volume II, will be The Ace of Diamonds. Volume III will be Dragon Heartstring, IV will be Shades of Grey, V will be Opal Deception, VI is Ashes to Flames. Don't ask about the last bit. I don't know why I picked that title. 

Vote for your favourite Artemis pairing!

Artemis glares at me. "Cretin. You already forced me into suggesting a disgusting Inter-House alliance and now this? A ROMANCE? What are you _on_?"

Nothing, I say.

Here are your options, readers!

-Artemis and Holly ("I respect the Captain, certainly, but this?")

-Artemis and Ginny (I have a nice guy lined up for Ginny already. You didn't actually think I was going to give her Artemis or Harry? But then you have your options.)

-Artemis and Hermione (The author thinks dreamily of a Ron-Hermione. They're so sweet together…Ron and Hermione I mean.)

-Artemis and Juliet ("NO! Juliet is more of an elder sister than anything else!")

-Artemis and Cho (Both author and Artemis scream.)

-Artemis and Luna ("WHAT?")

Artemis glares at me again. "If you think that I will pick ANY of them, you got another thought coming!"

Well, I tell him, you either pick someone from that selection or I will force you together with Gregory Goyle, and even slash fans hate the guy.

Artemis groans. "Please, readers…just pick someone…but avoid the Goyle option. Please?"

Reduced to begging, are we, Arty?

--me

Preview of 3rd year, as this one will round itself off OK in five, maybe six chapters.

**Artemis Fowl - Volume II: The Ace of Diamonds**

_..."You're not human," Artemis said quietly._

_TheDealer nearly jumped out of his skin at that. "Wha..."_

_"I did a background check on you.Don't deny this. Your abnormal concealment ability for which you are so famed? Fairy shielding. Apparent invulnerability to physical wounds? Your magic. Your other students may be ignorant, but I assure you that I am not."_

_The Dealer was silent. ..._

--I wanted Theo's pet to be named Asharys...but decided to save it for something else. Tell me what you think and don't forget to vote for the pairing!--


	10. by the empty portrait

Kiharu-sama – The Goyle pairing scares, no? It gets people to vote.

Clutchy – A writer's block is where you find you've planned out a story and everything, but for some reason don't know what to write. I'm terrible at OCs and the last OC I tried turned out as a Mary-Sue. Luckily for you, that description matches Blaise Zabini. One Blaise vote.

Black Aliss – One Holly vote.

MuggleBuddy – One Hermione vote. The Cho and Luna thing is SUPPOSED to be scary. That's what makes people vote properly.

Born-from-the-Shadows – The first Ginny vote.

One Blaise vote…One Holly vote…One Hermione vote…and a Ginny vote. Beta reader voted for a Hermione vote. Two to one to one to one.

The last call for the voting will be up till chapter eleven. Hermione is in the lead, and Blaise, Holly and Ginny are lagging behind by one vote each.

CHAPTER TEN: by the empty portrait

* * *

**10.17 a.m.**

**Slytherin Boys' Dormitories**

"Good morning, Arty!"

Artemis held up a pale palm to shield himself from the morning sunshine, shutting the C Cube down as Blaise glanced at it.

"You shouldn't have interrupted me, Blaise. I was installing a book scanner."

"How does that work?"

"It works best _in the dark_."

"Oops, my bad. Sorry." Blaise tossed Artemis his forest-green cloak and drew the hangings of his four-poster bed shut to give him some privacy to change. "So, how _does_ it work?"

"To you, Blaise, it would be Muggle Studies on a highly complicated level."

"OK, then give me your version of 'Book Scanners for Dummies'." Blaise had gotten into the series lately, and her current favourite was 'Making a Baloney Sandwich for Dummies'.

"It can operate in daylight, but works best at night. Place it on a book and it automatically scans the pages of the tome. Easier than hour-long, often fruitless searches in the library. The Scanner is obviously much more efficient than a normal scanner. I would continue on to you about the rendering process but something tells me it would be lost on you."

"Too right."

Artemis stepped out, fully dressed. "I suggest you take Muggle Studies next year, but try to avoid the topic of firearms."

"Why?"

"I don't want to spoil the surprise, now do I?"

"Very funny. By the way, we're late for a meeting with the Federation."

Artemis stopped and stared. "The _Federation_? Have you gone mad, Blaise? I don't particularly feel like Captain Picard at the moment, and searching for the Heir of Slytherin does not merit such an obscure name!"

"Well," Blaise said, as diplomatically as possible, "you forgot to think of a name last night."

"Do we really need a name? This partnership will only last until we locate the Heir."

"Want to stick with the Federation?"

"…No," admitted Artemis.

"Nobody else wanted it either. By the way, Granger pulled Longbottom in earlier this morning."

"I seem to recall you saying that only strong psychotropic drugs would make you allow Neville into such an organization."

"He's got a good head on his shoulders, but seems to suffer short-term memory loss."

Artemis stopped midway. "Are there no cures for memory loss?"

"There are, but they don't work on Memory Charms," said Blaise in an offhand tone. "We're meeting Theo in the library. Malfoy's going to hang around North Tower and the Dream Team plus Longbottom will be by the lake."

"Yes," Artemis said, his thoughts on what Blaise had said. _They don't work on Memory Charms. _Come hell or high water, he was going to find out what had warranted such strong Memory Charms that Neville Longbottom suffered from forgetfulness overspill. "So, until we find a regular meeting place, we use that arrangement?"

"Obviously. Good grief, I'm talking like you."

"I trust we're leaving the Room of Requirement as an ace in the hole?"

Blaise smirked. "Great minds think alike."

They ascended the stairs to the Great Hall. It was a long climb, given that the common room was under the lake. Artemis got some waffles and the duo headed up to the library. On the way, they spotted Malfoy, a pained expression on his face. The cause became clear soon. Pansy Parkinson was flirting with him. ("I left my pet butterfly in the Astronomy Tower. Shall we go get it back?" "You don't own a pet butterfly. Trying for a kiss-and-tell with me?")

"Wouldn't a simple 'bugger off' be sufficient?"

"You obviously don't know Pansy very well."

"And I hope not to."

Malfoy shot the prerequisite scowl at Artemis before giving a near imperceptible nod. It was barely discernible, but Artemis saw it and beckoned to his ally, who showed signs of wanting to watch her cousin being tortured. Artemis had to admit that it was enjoyable, but there were more important things to deal with. As they left, they heard Malfoy saying something that sounded a lot like 'Bugger off!'

Theo was seated by a window overlooking the lake. His white hair was concealed by a large pile of books on Petrification (but Artemis noticed a copy of _9 Days _'trendy' magazine spread out behind it). Artemis looked a bit closer and found that it was a quiz for 'your perfect love match'. "Hello, Theodore."

Theo jumped six and nine-tenths inches in the air. "Jeez, don't scare me like that," he said, hastily stuffing _9 Days _away just as the magazine blared out: "Your perfect match is Minerva McGonagall!"

That stopped everyone and everything dead. Artemis, when he felt his heart start up again, voiced his thoughts, "Your perfect match is _Professor McGonagall_?"

"Give me that," Blaise said, snatching the magazine. "These answers are totally uncharacteristic of you, Theo."

Artemis looked over her shoulder. "They're probably what our Headmaster would say when faced with a quiz like this."

"Oh," Blaise said, looking relieved.

A snowy owl flew in and perched itself on the window sill. Theo grinned at his allies' expressions. "Meet Masila, my newest pet bird. Toby sent her to me. I have a truly great older brother."

Masila held out her leg. Artemis untied the letter the bird bore and read it quietly to his allies.

_I can't get away from Pansy. Meet you at the Astronomy Tower so you can hex her to death. Merlin knows I won't stop you._

_- D.M._

Artemis withdrew a quill and wrote back in emerald ink, on a parchment Blaise provided.

_You are sorely mistaken if you think I am going to go up there. This is not my acrophobia, as you so eloquently put it. It's perfectly rational to be nervous of falling from a height from which you could break all your bones. Nobody wants that._

_But if you do, it could be arranged._

_Speaking of Parkinson, she's obviously going to hang around you till you die of old age. Don't waste your time trying to hex her._

_F._

Masila took off with the letter, and Artemis went to look up some Ministry records. He then ran the Scanner over the front covers of books on Career Records. It took about half an hour, but the Scanner beeped at last. Artemis connected it to the Cube and ran a search on Longbottom. The search yielded two results.

**Alice Longbottom**

**Frank Longbottom**

Artemis clicked the second option. He scrolled down through a list of Frank Longbottom's accomplishments and was getting to the bottom of the page when he saw it. Frank Longbottom's current residence.

**Janus Thickey Ward, the Last Bed**

**Fourth Floor ('Spell Damage')**

**St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries**

Artemis frowned. Frank Longbottom had been one floor above him and he hadn't realized this? Did Neville know that his father had been lying above him all this while?

He was interrupted by Masila, who held out a leg to him. Tied to her talons were two letters. The first one, from Malfoy, was the shortest letter Artemis had ever received.

_No thanks._

_D.M._

The other one, considerably longer, was from the Dream Team's representative in the Gryffindor-Slytherin partnership.

_Dear Fowl,_

_We need a name for the little group of ours. We can't have Zabini continue to call us the Federation. Talking about that, I didn't know she watched _Star Trek. _I thought she was pureblood? _

_Anyway, we have a few ideas. I was pretty keen on the name idea, but haven't got anything to suggest._

_Harry says the Alliance, but Ron wants to call it ABHISOTHFH. He says it stands for A Band of Highly Idiotic Students On The Hunt For The Heir. Neville suggested the Truthseekers. You know Neville from St. Mungo's, right?_

_I was thinking something Slayers, but then remembered Buffy. Vampires can't Petrify, so I thought we should stick with one of the above. _

_H.G._

_P.S. Did Zabini tell you earlier? Ginny is in the group too. Ron let her in. He said you wouldn't mind, but I just thought you should know._

Artemis got another parchment from Blaise and scrawled a quick reply.

_Dear Miss Granger, _

_Firstly, I would like to express my infuriation by all this business of a name for our partnership. It was created for the purpose of tracking down, and, if the need arises, destroying the Heir of Slytherin. I, however, am none too pleased at Blaise's obscure and ridiculous nickname for our group. If you really insist on a name, I suggest Neville's idea. Also, if his cousin's taste in names is anything to go by, Malfoy is going to recommend something along the lines of Weasley's suggestion._

_Therefore, the Truthseekers is the only remaining option._

_Besides that, I have a theory on the Chamber._

_Looking at it logically, the monster is a Petrification-inducing serpent. Why? Simple. The symbol of Slytherin is a snake, and Potter is Hogwarts' only known Parselmouth this generation. Does this clear up the question of why he can hear the monster's voice and others can't? Good._

_The serpent is clearly being controlled by another, unknown Parselmouth. Blaise did a search of all the Slytherins' possessions and found nothing incriminating. Theo took the liberty of conjuring a large serpent into our common room at different times of the day. Nobody had any reaction other than screams. _

_The Heir is cunning, and could be making use of the policy 'fight from within'. I suspect a pureblood, as the Heir would have no use for Muggle-borns and half-bloods. The Heir's victim, when found out, would take the blame for the Heir's dirty work. If the victim is anyone other than a Slytherin, he or she is likely to be under an enchantment. Ingeniously planned, no? _

_Do me a favour, please, and ask Ginevra Weasley if she remembers where she was at the time of the attacks._

_- A.F._

Artemis sent Masila off and sighed, hoping that they had not been delivered by Weasley to the heart of the operation. How was he going to put this next letter? He went back to the C Cube and started typing an e-mail.

_Dear Butler,_

_I apologize for not telling you this before, but it was less serious then._

_Under no circumstances must you overreact to this letter._

_Basically, there is a secret place in the school called the Chamber of Secrets. It contains a rather deadly monster that can Petrify people. (If you really wish to see what happened, stop by the Hogwarts Hospital Wing.) Someone has opened the Chamber and is out to get anyone not of pure wizarding blood – examples: the Boy-Who-Lived, myself and a girl named Hermione Granger. Everyone else in Slytherin is pureblood. _

_I assembled a little band of allies some time ago, for the purpose of finding out who the Heir of Slytherin is. The rest of the group is inclined to agree with the ridiculous name thought up by a member. I personally don't mind provided it does not interfere with our work. _

_You must come to Hogwarts immediately. Go to the Headmaster's office and fill him in on the details of why you are there, your duty as a bodyguard, et cetera. Just make a little speech. _Never_ say anything to the teaching faculty about the Truthseekers. Headmaster Dumbledore WILL attempt to probe your mind, so try not to reveal anything. _

_I will tell you more when I see you. In the meantime, the Headmaster will have a Portkey arranged for you._

_Artemis Fowl the Second_

* * *

**10. 13 p.m.**

**The Gryffindor Girls' Dormitory**

Ginny sat on her bed and pulled out her diary. Quill between her teeth, she felt around in her bag for a spare ink bottle. Popping the cork, she dipped the quill tip in it, opened the diary, and began to write.

'_Dear Tom, you'll never guess what happened today!' _

Like it had every time Ginny had written in here, the words sank in to the page, only to return in Tom's handwriting.

'_I can't guess. I'm not very imaginative and will never know until you tell me.'_

Ginny smiled at that.

'_Well, some friends of mine formed a group to track down the Heir of Slytherin. They let me in on it.'_

There was a moment's pause before Tom wrote back again.

'_Good luck to them. Merlin knows I had a hard enough time finding the Heir last time.'_

'_Who was it?' _Ginny wrote. _'Can you tell me?'_

'_It was a Gryffindor. That's really most of the stuff I remember. Third year. I caught him and he was expelled. So, tell me more about this group? Would I know the ancestors of any of them?'_

'_Well, there's Draco Malfoy, an absolute git. He's a Slytherin.'_

'_Why don't you give him a chance? Maybe he's not that bad if he's tracking down the Heir,' _wrote Tom.

'_I guess I can try. And then there's my overprotective brother.'_

'_Which one?'_

'_Oh, yeah, I have lots of them," _Ginny near-giggled. _'It's Ron, who let me into the group and" – _here Ginny sighed dreamily – _'Harry. Can you imagine it?'_

'_I think I can. I knew a girl from my time that wouldn't stop stalking me because of her crush on me, which she proclaimed thrice a day.'_

'_That must have been annoying. OK, and then there's Hermione, you know her, Neville, and Theodore Nott, plus Zabini. She's OK for a Slytherin. Oh, and Artemis Fowl.'_

'_Must be nice for you," _Tom wrote. He was probably amused. _'Both your crushes in one group. And you working in close proximity to them.'_

'_I think Harry's our leader. Neville suggested calling us the Truthseekers.'_

'_Interesting name.'_

'_Yeah, but Hermione says that it's actually Artemis who is the leader. I don't really think they have many leads, though. Artemis figured out that it's a serpent that Petrifies people, but nobody can really do much. All the Muggle-borns are getting really paranoid.'_

'_The monster was a gigantic spider.'_

'_Really?'_

'_Yes. It wasn't a snake. And remember, don't tell anyone about me, OK?'_

'_OK,' _Ginny wrote happily. _'I have to sleep. Goodnight, Tom!'_

'_Goodnight, Ginny.'_

Ginny was halfway to turning out the lights when Tom Riddle possessed her.

The fourth attack took place that night.

* * *

**7.00 a.m.**

**Hogwarts Hospital Wing**

Blaise was in shock. As was Artemis, a rarity for him.

Nobody had seen this coming. The whole school – the teaching faculty and three students, really -- was in an uproar.

Theo had been Petrified. Thankfully, it was only Petrification, as he had had the sense to cast a long-lasting Haze Smokespell around herself when he saw the monster's shadow. But that wasn't any consolation.

It had been a ghost who found the boy lying on the floor in a dead-end second-floor corridor. The Grey Lady had received no thanks for her help, and had marched off in a huff. Malfoy had made a lame attempt at a joke (ghost PMS) that had not been well received considering the circumstances. Only Artemis, Blaise and Malfoy had been notified.

"But he was pureblood, and a Slytherin," came the whispers from all sides. "Why would he have been Petrified?"

Artemis didn't know, but his gut instinct told him that this meant the Heir was expanding his or her scope. Somehow this didn't make him feel any better. And the fact that it was a prominent Truthseeker didn't help either.

He checked his watch. All he was wearing at that moment was the green cloak, with black sweats underneath it. He knew he looked ridiculous, but nobody commented, too anxious were they about this particular case.

"Blaise?" Artemis said quietly, tapping the girl on the shoulder. "I think Theo wanted to tell you something about me earlier?"

Blaise, teeth still gritted fiercely, nodded.

"Watch." Artemis stared hard at the flower beside Theo's bed, which had been sent by Professor Sprout. The flower levitated slowly and floated into Theo's outstretched hand.

Blaise blinked. "Did you do that?"

"Yes." Artemis yawned. He was dead tired.

"Cool," she grinned weakly. "Hey. Maybe you could call it mental magic."

"Don't be ridiculous."

Sadly for Artemis, it was called mental magic for a long time after that.

And that very moment, Ginny Weasley woke up on the second floor, near a deserted toilet, drenched in sweat and Myrtle's tears.

* * *

**11.59 p.m.**

**31st December**

**Slytherin Boys' Dormitories**

There were only two occupants of the boys' dormitory that night. Crabbe and Goyle were trying to pick up a few girls at the New Year's party in the common room. Artemis ignored the noise and laughter, and remained on his bed, meditating. Malfoy was leaning back against his own bed, staring at the same page of his Astronomy textbook, a half-eaten slice of apple pie spilling crumbs on the stone floor.

As the loudest cheer of all erupted from downstairs, Malfoy glanced at his watch and then at the boy sitting on the bed by the empty portrait. He sighed. "Hey, Fowl."

Artemis gave no sign that he had heard.

"Happy New Year," Malfoy tried.

"Likewise."

Malfoy stretched and ate his way through the remainder of the apple pie. "No pithy comeback now?"

Silence.

"Good news for you. I've decided to stop calling you Mudblood – at least until the end of the holidays."

"Your timing is absolutely impeccable. Two days of not calling me a Mudblood," came the bland yet wry answer.

Malfoy managed a weak smirk. That was more like it. A quiet Fowl was a scary Fowl, and, dare he say it, rather worrisome. "That says nothing about Granger, though."

No answer.

Malfoy tried to break the silence once more. "Heard you're training to become an Animagus?"

Still no reply.

"I am, too," Malfoy said in as sinister a tone as possible.

"Really. How very shameful. The son of a prominent Ministry politician trying to become an illegal Animagus."

"I have a way to discern your animal form," Malfoy pressed.

Silence. Fidgeting on Malfoy's part. Then, "What?"

Malfoy smirked. "It's in Malfoy Manor. Recent invention straight out of the Department of Mysteries. Father bought it."

"When are you ever going to stop referring to your father in your every other sentence?"

"At least it's better for some people who never mention their father."

Quiet.

"Or don't you have a father?"

"I have a father, Malfoy. I was not named Artemis Fowl the Second for nothing."

"Oh? What about your mum?"

"And what about yours?"

"You first."

"I'm quite familiar with this childish game, thanks."

"Tell me about your father. If you weren't illegitimate, at least. Or a bast…"

Artemis's eyes flew open.

Malfoy never got to finish that sentence.

* * *

Malfoy toppled all the way down the stairs, battered and bruised all over, nearly tripping up the two visitors who were ascending the stairs. The elder of them frowned and knocked the door to the Slytherin boys' dorms. When no reply came, he opened it. 

"Mr. Fowl?"

Artemis turned. "Headmaster."

"Your – er, butler is here. He's waiting outside the door. He claimed that you wanted to speak with him?"

"Ah, yes. Thanks for telling me." Artemis swept past Dumbledore and out the doors. His bodyguard was staring down an ant on the wall opposite.

"Good morning, Butler."

The manservant's head swivelled around. "Oh. I didn't expect to see you here, sir. Visiting a friend?"

"Ally," Artemis corrected, rubbing his eyes. He was no early bird. "According to Malfoy."

"You mentioned something about 'telling me more when you saw me'?"

"Ah, yes. It's a rather private place. If you would be so kind as to follow me?" Artemis turned on his heel and, after a long climb, headed for the statue of Nymeria the Nymph. "_Asharium_."

The hole in the floor appeared once again. Butler eyed the opening warily. "Are you sure this is safe, Artemis?"

"It's perfectly safe, and it's actually rather convenient for me to be here."

They followed the dimly-lit passage until they got to the Lair. Butler blinked. "This is quite a place you have here."

Artemis smiled ruefully. "Yes." He settled himself on the divan. Butler took a seat opposite his employer.

"Well, I did inform you about the Chamber of Secrets. Honestly, there's not that much to tell. In any case, everyone in the school received a death threat earlier in the year. _Enemies of the Heir Beware. _Some claim it was written in blood, but it was red paint. I checked. The message is still there; everyone has left it untouched.

"We all wanted to locate the Heir. Nobody was getting any nearer to solving this little mystery on their own, so I decided to form an alliance between Gryffindor and Slytherin. Before now, the two have been virtually unmixable. Oil and water. The members of this organization, including myself, call themselves the Truthseekers. They are Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, Ronald Weasley, an idiot, Ginevra, Ronald's sister and Hermione Granger, someone who recently set her sights on beating my grades."

"Who else is there?"

"Draco Malfoy, a stuck up, uncultured prat who is under the misguided impression that he is better than me. His hobbies include insulting me and fending off his one-girl fan club. Theodore Nott, a bipolar boy. He's a thief and younger brother to a new Auror – Tobias Nott, a Dark wizard catcher. Blaise Zabini. A pureblood witch who detests Draco Malfoy, her cousin."

Artemis paused for breath and continued, "The Heir of Slytherin has apparently caught wind of this group. I don't know how; Malfoy, despite his evil façade, wouldn't Petrify his cousin. Theodore and Blaise are trustworthy, and the Dream Team – Potter, Weasley and Granger – are extremely righteous and foolhardy people."

Butler nodded. "And you suspect the younger Weasley?"

"The youngest," Artemis corrected. "She normally doesn't do anything. I wouldn't call her harmless, but she wouldn't do something like Petrify her own House ghost. She's under some sort of influence. I don't know how, she just is."

"Is she petite, with long red hair and pale skin?"

"Yes. Did you see her?"

"Yes. She looked rather scared, to tell you the truth."

Artemis smirked. "Half the people who see you are scared of you. It's normal." He went over to the bookshelves and selected the Founders' Diaries. Taking his eagle feather quill and dipping it in ink, he wrote a greeting.

'_Good morning.'_

'_What's so good about mornings?' _Salazar wrote grumpily.

'_Don't go back to sleep. I have someone I want you to meet.'_

'_Want me to wake the others?'_

'_No. Shut up and don't bother Helga. Remember what happened the last time?'_

'_Ink squirted out of the book from all her writing so fast and furiously. Into your face, right?'_

Artemis then realized his mistake.

'_WAKE UP, HELGA!'_

'_SALAZAR OPHICUS SLYTHERIN!'_

Ink squirted out of the book from all Helga's writing so fast and furiously – right into Artemis's face.

"ARGH!"

As Artemis fell back, he threw the book in some random direction. He did a Scouring Charm on his face, and was instantly cleaned by a lot of pink, soapy bubbles. Wiping his eyes, he saw Butler staring at the book.

"What the…?"

"Precisely," muttered a very annoyed protagonist.

"You wanted to tell me about something?"

"Ah, yes. Here's the deal. Everyone in Hogwarts received a death threat from an individual called the Heir of Slytherin. Some time later, they were Petrified and nearly murdered. The monster, which is a serpent, is slithering about the school attempting to cleanse the school of Mudblood filth," Artemis gripped the edge of the divan, "as the more prejudiced Slytherins like to put it."

"Like Malfoy?"

"He'll live. Probably."

"I've never known you to explode like that."

"I've done worse. It doesn't matter. Anyhow," Artemis continued, "as a Slytherin, we assumed ourselves to be safe from the monster's reach. This was not so. Theo was found Petrified, and his family is one of the oldest purebloods. Nobody's safe in the school any more, and some even set up a betting pool on who will be the next victim. _Accio Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them._" Butler ducked as the large tome sailed over his head. "I've read all the way through Section A. If you want to chat to Salazar Slytherin himself, write in the diary you're holding."

Artemis started on B, his eyelids drooping as he sped-read through the first four pages. Suddenly, on the fifth page, he sat up sharply, eyes over-bright. "I have it. The creature's a Basilisk."

Artemis showed the page to Butler. "It kills people by looking them in the eye…and it's no wonder Potter can hear it, because he talks to snakes. It travels through the pipes and is controlled by the Heir. It all fits perfectly." It was so simple. He wondered how come he hadn't found it before. Long-term exposure to all those mindless twits in Hogwarts, he supposed.

"But why hasn't anyone died?"

"Because no one did look it in the eye."

Artemis fell asleep in the middle of his words, collapsing on the divan.

* * *

The weeks progressed up to the morning of February 14th, a Sunday. Aside from the Basilisk hint, Artemis had found no leads. Artemis hoisted his black bag over his shoulder. He would be thirteen on the eighteenth, and was in a fairly good mood that day. The good mood was promptly destroyed when he and Butler walked through the double doors of the Great Hall and were sprayed with luridly pink heart-shaped confetti. 

"Lockhart," Artemis muttered angrily in Gnommish to his bodyguard. "Damn him."

Butler was shocked. In all his years, Master Artemis had _never _used profanity. Never with a capital N.

The duo picked their way across the confetti-strewn floor, Artemis noting the flower-covered wall. Very strange flowers, they were. Each of them shouted repeatedly, "HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, HOGWARTS" in Lockhart's most enthusiastic tones. The pale blue of the ceiling infuriated Artemis even more, for a reason he couldn't explain. All the tables had been draped with pink tablecloths, lined with a lacy white material.

Blaise looked sickened and silent, and was turning the walls to black with her wand. The other Slytherins were gagging and making fun of the Defence professor. Artemis took out his wand and helped Blaise with the black. When he noticed that the efforts had been speeded up considerably, he spotted the other Slytherins helping out, Malfoy included. Glancing up at the High Table, he spotted McGonagall and Snape aiding their respective Houses.

"Good of you," Artemis muttered to Crabbe.

Crabbe shrugged. "OK. Bright blue we can take, but pink is stretching the limits."

"So it can speak after all," Artemis thought.

"STOP! STOP!" Lockhart shouted. "The walls! No!"

"Take your seats, please," called Dumbledore, smiling mischievously.

The Slytherins did so grumpily. Artemis was formulating a plan in his mind. It differed considerably from his crimes. Suffice to say it involved Butler, a few throwing knives and Lockhart.

"He looks like…" Blaise whispered, pointing at Snape.

"Like he just drank a bottle of Skele-Gro, complete with the bottle itself?" Artemis supplied.

"Happy Valentine's Day!"

"Happy Valentine's Day, Hogwarts!"

"Happy Valentine's Day, Hogwarts!"

"Stupid flowers," Blaise hissed.

"And may I thank…"

"Happy Valentine's Day, Hogwarts!"

"…the forty-six people who have so far…"

"Happy Valentine's Day, Hogwarts!"

"…sent me cards! Yes, I have taken the liberty of…"

"Happy Valentine's Day, Hogwarts!"

"…arranging this little surprise for you all, and it doesn't stop…"

"Happy Valentine's Day, Hogwarts!"

"…here!"

_Stop, you infernal flowers! _The mental magic shut about six flowers down, but the rest continued their squawking.

Lockhart clapped his hands and a dozen surly-looking dwarfs stormed into the room. Artemis recognized a few from Trouble Kelp's capture list.

"My friendly, card-carrying cupids! They will be roving around the school…"

"Happy Valentine's Day, Hogwarts!"

Artemis zoned out at this point and concentrated on his alchemy plans, especially the Dealer he'd caught wind of from the _Knockturn Hawk_. He only revived when he heard Lockhart's advice to the students to ask Snape for a Love Potion.

"Lockhart should ask Snape for one," Artemis said to Blaise, who smiled wanly.

Artemis survived the speech and set off to the library (with some other Truthseekers, he noticed). On the way, however, two grim-looking dwarfs caught up with them. One set on Potter's bag (involving a tug-o-war match), while the other headed for Artemis, stopping only when Butler blocked him. The dwarf tried to dart around the manservant's legs without success.

"I've got," the dwarf counted on his fingers, "twenty singing Valentines to deliver to Artemis Fowl! Now, excuse me!"

Butler shot Artemis an incredulous look as he tripped the dwarf up. The crowd, which included Ginny Weasley, was watching eagerly now. Taking advantage of the attention, Potter's dwarf began to sing.

"_His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,_

_His hair is as dark as a blackboard,_

_I wish he was mine, he's really divine,_

_The hero who conquered the Dark Lord."_

A muscle in Butler's face twitched. Artemis smirked.

Uproarious laughter ensued.

"Let me GO!" Artemis's dwarf screamed. Artemis moved forward.

"I want you to leave."

Potter's bag ripped and the idiot began running around picking everything up. Out of the corner of his eye, Artemis noticed Blaise pick something up. Malfoy leaned over her shoulder to see.

"No," the dwarf said coolly, and opened his mouth to sing.

"Disregard all your other orders. Leave now, Belch," Artemis said evenly and softly.

"How do you…"

"Butler?"

The giant manservant picked the dwarf up by his legs and threw the dwarf out the window. From the sound of it, Belch had landed in the lake.

"Sorry," Butler muttered into the shocked silence. "I think he landed in the lake."

"Good for him." Artemis strode over to Blaise, glancing at the book.

"Wonder what Potter's written in this?" Malfoy said loudly. Artemis winced at the attention it drew.

The onlookers were effectively hushed, and Artemis noticed Ginny staring at the diary as though transfixed, but in a terrified way.

"Give it here, Malfoy," Potter said quietly.

"Wait," Artemis stopped Malfoy from turning the page. 1942…World War II…the Chamber of Secrets…_fifty years ago_. "Don't read it. Give it to me."

"Why should I?" the Malfoy heir said arrogantly.

"It could give us a clue as to the Chamber and I am obviously the most perceptive out of the remaining Truthseekers." Butler reached out and removed the diary, giving it to Artemis, who put it in his bag. Malfoy scowled at him. "We'll return it later, Potter," Artemis called. "Meet at the usual places."

Artemis left with Butler. The two parted the crowd as they walked. Butler had a strange expression on his face. "Artemis…"

"Yes?"

"The twenty Valentines."

Artemis had been hoping to avoid this topic, but sighed and nodded.

"I think, Artemis, you have earned some sort of a fan club."

Artemis groaned. Then they heard Malfoy's shout.

"Mudblood Granger! Somehow I don't really think that Fowl liked your Valentines much!"

* * *

You're all probably out to pummel me because of the OOC Hermione thing? Well, like Butler said, Artemis has earned some sort of a fan club. 

But really, in tribute to the Hermione/Artemis (in the lead), Hermione sent quite a few of them.

And the semi-finals BEGIN!

Everyone: Um…

Candidates for an Arty pairing: Blaise, Ginny, Hermione and Holly.

Holly: WHAT?

Hermione is in the lead with two votes (one is from Cheryl). All the others have one vote each.

ONLY POSITIVE VOTES WILL BE TAKEN.

No reviews saying you don't like whatever pairing.

Everyone: … You are an idiot.

Author: I know. Now vote. Sub-quality spelling is QuickEdit's fault. Sub-quality chapter is honestly my fault.


	11. unlucky birthday

Artemis isn't gay, just a warning. I have nothing against slash personally, but I just CANNOT picture Artemis as a homosexual. (Some fit the description and some don't.) Like I said, don't own anything. Sorry.

The story's moving a bit fast, but I figured that the whole Chamber mystery would be solved a lot quicker with Artemis around.

**Chapter Eleven: unlucky birthday**

**Shortly After the Twenty-Valentine Fiasco**

**The Slytherin Boys' Dormitories**

"Looks like he never bothered to write in it," Butler commented as his charge looked over the blank diary.

"Perhaps it works the same way as the Founders' diaries." Artemis took a quill from his personal (and organized to the extreme) desk. He dipped it in some emerald ink and raised the quill above the first page. He paused, the quill hovering in midair. It probably wasn't a good idea to spill the fact that he was Muggle-born. Purebloods were fairly respected, after all. Better not talk too much, though. It could have a Soul-Stealing Spell on it. _'Who – or should I say, what are you?'_

His ink sank into the page and came back out, in words Artemis had never written.

'_I'm Tom Riddle. And don't worry; I'm not imprisoned here against my will.'_

'_What makes you think I would think that?'_

'_Guesses.'_

'_You have no imagination.'_

'_I know.'_

'_I'm searching for the Heir of Slytherin. It's nothing important; just curiosity. I, after all, am a Slytherin myself.'_

The words came faster this time, with an elegant sort of flourish, as if Riddle was trying to show off.

'_I'm a Slytherin, too. Proud to be in this House?'_

'_Why wouldn't I be?'_

'_Of course. Slytherin is a noble House. What's your name, anyway?'_

Artemis racked his brain for a good name. Vauthorn, he decided. An Irish pureblood family. But he certainly couldn't go by Artemis here.

'_I'm Aiden Vauthorn.'_

'_You're a Vauthorn? Male or female?'_

Now Artemis was irritated. Even someone who didn't know his real name was asking for his real gender. Surely he wasn't that feminine.

'_Male. Obviously.'_

'_Do you get asked the gender question a lot?'_

'_Yes.'_

'_Ah. I was just wondering. You do know your family custom, right?'_

'_No, of course I don't. I've been born and bred in this family, so why would I know the custom?'_

'_Was that sarcasm?'_

'_Your sense of perception is atrocious.'_

'_Yes, well, sarcasm is a lot more difficult to detect on paper. Anyway, the power of the Vauthorn family is passed down along the female line, so I take it you've got a lot of sisters – if you're the older brother, Aiden?'_

'_Forget them. Do you have any clues as to the Heir of Slytherin, being a Slytherin of fifty years ago? _

'…_Yes. In my day, it was told to us that it was a legend; that it did not exist. But this was a lie. I discovered the real Heir and captured him, delivering him to the Headmaster. But the Heir of Slytherin lived on, and was never imprisoned.'_

'_Go on.'_

'_Ah, yes. Well, Aiden, I can tell you that a girl died, and her body was found in a bathroom. Muggle-born. I wouldn't wish whatever killed her on my worst enemy.'_

"You're acting very well, Tom Riddle," Artemis muttered. He snapped the book shut and turned to Butler. "I need you to research everything you can find on the Riddle family and any Tom Riddle you might happen to find along the way. This Tom Riddle is particularly relevant, so don't bring me anything that doesn't have him in it. Search only non-magical books."

"Yes, sir. And you will be…?"

There was a cold glint in Artemis's eyes. "Researching the magical records…and extracting information from anyone who has some."

Butler held his tongue and didn't point out that the extracting was his job.

A shadow stirred slightly in the portrait next to Artemis's bed, and hurried off to report to his master.

Thankfully, the as-yet-unnamed shadow went unnoticed by all but Butler.

"Artemis…?"

"Yes?"

"Just now, in the empty portrait…I saw something moving. I'm not sure what it is."

Artemis didn't entirely believe his bodyguard, but trusted him. And he did not appreciate finding out that he was being spied upon. "I'll have to buy some curtains." He sighed. Reading or even Scanning through all the books in the library was a trying task, and he'd have to hire the other two best researchers he knew. Somehow, he didn't quite feel like approaching Hermione Granger at the moment.

* * *

**8.00 a.m.**

**18th February**

**Slytherin Boys' Dormitories**

Butler had been up early on this particular Thursday. He was thumbing through _Bridget Jones' Diary, _its book jacket replaced by the covers of an old issue of _Guns and Ammo_. Only Artemis Junior and Juliet knew about Butler's embarrassing addiction to romantic stories, and Butler fervently hoped that no one else would find out.

Dumbledore had given him an extra bed in the boys' dorms. Butler had put up the curtains over the portrait earlier. He then noticed a bucket of water hanging over his employer's bed. Sighing, Butler put the book into the bedside drawer and stood up, heading over to remove it.

The bucket (which happened to contain mud, coinciding with 'Mudblood') promptly upended itself all over Butler and his best Armani suit.

Artemis Junior drew the hangings and stared at his bodyguard. "Good morning, old friend – though I suppose it's not a very good morning for you. I don't think that fabric will ever be the same again."

"Yes," Butler replied, scraping off the worst of the mud with his handkerchief. "Anyway, happy thirteenth birthday, Artemis."

The Fowl heir's fleeting expression of surprise confirmed Butler's thoughts; Artemis had, in the midst of all his knowledge and cunning, temporarily forgotten his own birthday.

"Ah…thank you. Many happy returns," Artemis took a present Butler passed to him. It was from Angeline Fowl: an interesting timepiece that told the movements of the planets, along with the time. Each hand had a separate backdrop of one planet (three were omitted to allow space for the planets to move). Artemis put it on without a word, face completely blank.

He did allow a small smile, though, when Butler passed him his present. Although it wasn't correct protocol, the two of them were close friends. Artemis unwrapped it carefully. It was a complete set of alchemy books. "Thank you."

Butler sternly ordered himself to get over the slight shock of a Fowl saying thank you.

Artemis's smile totally vanished when he opened Juliet's present; a pair of American Converse sneakers. Europeans called them trainers, but neither culture was sure why. Butler made a mental note to tell his sister that Artemis and Converse did not mix well. From the look on his employer's face, Butler decided that the additional 'teen' clothes that Artemis had been sent would be burned later.

Blaise had given Artemis a poster of the new, up-and-coming Irish Quidditch team. Apparently the new Chasers were excellent. Artemis put it up in some not-too-obvious place. The Chasers shrank back at Artemis's formidable glare. This was accompanied by a form, evidently from Snape, for the subjects Artemis wished to take next year. Artemis, much to Butler's worry, signed up for everything. Apparently he was eager to prove himself.

"At least I didn't tell Granger my birthday," Artemis muttered. Butler was barely able to prevent a smirk from tugging at his lips.

"What do you think she would have sent?" the manservant asked.

"I don't want to know…"

* * *

**25th February**

The hue of Granger's cheeks could have been described as brilliant scarlet, cinnamon, or a deeper-coloured version of Lockhart's Valentine decorations. Neither she nor Artemis was particularly keen to speak about the embarrassing Valentine's Day incident. Unfortunately for both of them, it was the talk of the school, and there were many sniggers and hoots coming from various directions.

A pair of brown eyes peered out from behind the History section, vanishing as soon as anyone looked at them.

Artemis sighed and concentrated on finding his _chi _as Butler had taught him. "Hermione?" The name sounded extremely strange in his mouth. He quickly filled her in on the 'mission' parameters, explaining the diary to her. Hermione was up for the challenge, but the shade of red didn't fade as she bustled over to the History section. Artemis headed for the records. Ah well, even genii make an occasional mistake, and his was leaving the diary alone.

Sadly, he found nothing that day except some old yearbooks. He was speeding through the pictures on the Scanner (connected to the Cube) when he stopped. He'd noticed something. Artemis double-clicked on the moving picture to enlarge it.

A boy and girl were laughing, smiling like they didn't have a care in the world. Beside them, there were three other boys of about seventeen. Two of them noticed Artemis and waved to him. All of them were wearing Gryffindor robes. Apparently, the Slytherin crest on his robes was out of their line of sight.

Artemis then looked at the first boy. It was Potter. Not Harry Potter, maybe, but a Potter nonetheless. Bird's nest hair was definitely hereditary…and what was it with the Potter family and round glasses?

The boy who'd noticed Artemis smiled and waved shyly. He looked a bit sick, with light brown hair and hazel eyes that would have been fairly attractive to a girl. The other boy had black hair and eyes, and reminded Artemis of a celebrity walking down the red carpet.

The girl, whoever she was, had auburn hair and almond-shaped green eyes. The same eyes that were hidden behind the stupid glasses of the Boy-Who-Lived. Definitely Potter's mother. The redhead in the picture turned around and looked at Artemis, waving. She was wearing something on her neck on a leather string. There was a pin on her robes that read _Lily Evans, Head Girl. _She was quite pretty, Artemis thought.

_Oh, no, you don't. You did NOT just think that Harry Potter's MOTHER was pretty! _

It was just his luck to have a Cynical Voice in his head that sounded like Captain Holly Short.

_I do not think she is pretty. And besides, stop talking to me. I don't want to be hailed as a schizophrenic._

Artemis quickly clicked to the next picture before Mental-Holly could protest the Lily comment.

And so the picture-browsing went on.

* * *

Artemis was grumpy for a number of reasons. Number one was that he hadn't found anything except a picture of Tom Riddle – the resemblance was uncanny. A sixteen-year-old Artemis could have passed off for Riddle's brother. The real similarity, however, lay in the eyes. While Riddle's were black, both their eyes were cold and hard, betraying no emotion.

Number two was that the diary had evidently gone missing.

And reason number three was that he'd nearly tripped over the Petrified form of Hermione Granger when he'd left the library.

Reason number four was that Peeves had found him.

"_You're killing off students, you think it's good fun…"_

Peeves launched into a chorus comprising of some very rude words. Butler couldn't do anything; even Artemis Fowl II did not know how to kill a ghost. But, Artemis swore, once he had devised a way (if it even existed), he was going to settle his score with Peeves once and for all…

"Peeves?"

Reason number five: Draco Casper Malfoy had just arrived on the scene.

"What the…" Malfoy gaped, before he was interrupted in his profanity by Artemis.

"Language."

"Oh, fine. Did you see who did it?"

This was greeted with a stare from Artemis that clearly stated: 'are you stupid?'

"Ah, yes. If you'd seen it, you'd be next to Granger on the floor. Correct?"

"Obviously." Blue met silver in a clash of ice. The silver was the first to look away. "Get Potter or Blaise – preferably Blaise – and take Granger to the hospital wing."

"Why me? And secondly, why Blaise or Potter?"

"Neither Potter nor Blaise has reason to have had Petrified Theodore or Granger. You, on the other hand, have both. Do I need to spell the rest out for you?"

Malfoy glared. "Yes, Fowl, I think you should. I think I know what's going on already, but why not get your lapdog over there to do it?"

"Because Butler is not a lapdog and referring to him as such will not help your case one bit. If you insist on my having to tell you the rest, I suppose I can. Blaise taking Granger to the hospital wing with you will prevent your being incriminated, provided you say that both of you found Granger at the same time. And, as you know…"

"Potter wouldn't swallow the lie or catch on in time."

"He _is _incredibly slow on the uptake."

Malfoy nodded, not meeting Artemis's eyes; perhaps trying not to admit that he, a Malfoy, was obeying orders from a Fowl.

"Where's my cousin now?"

Artemis paused. "Blaise is on her way to visit Theodore. She just left."

"How do you know?"

"She's coming here now."

-I'm at the west staircase leading to the library- Blaise said quietly. She'd been rather subdued since Theo's incident.

Then there was an ear-shattering mind scream. It was so loud that Artemis actually clapped his hands over his ears and half-collapsed. Butler put out a hand to assist him. "What happened?" The bodyguard's tone was sharp.

"Blaise…she's in trouble. Follow me." Artemis moved past the two with a speed Malfoy hadn't thought possible of Fowl. The Slytherin boys reached the top of the stairs in time to see a flash of long red hair move away from the bottom of the steps; a snake tail following it.

"Did you see that….?" Malfoy said softly, descending the stairs to lift his cousin's Petrified body.

"The hair, yes. I guessed it a long time ago, and this is the proof."

"Weasley will never believe us."

"The Gryffindors cannot grasp the policy 'fight from the inside'."

"'Attack from within'," Malfoy quoted. "Idiot Gryffindors." Wait, was he actually being civil to Fowl? Not possible. He'd let his guard down today. "And I'm taking her to the hospital wing myself. I don't need the filthy likes of you tagging along, Mudblood." Much better.

The Fowl heir's face suddenly bore an expression of astonishing familiarity. _I thought you were better than that, Malfoy. _Resentment, condescension and disappointment, tinged with a bit of anger. For a moment, Draco could have sworn that it was Lucius Malfoy and not Artemis Fowl that was looking down at him.

"Very well. I'll leave you there, then. Dead weight is difficult to carry. But I suppose the almighty Malfoy can take it."

Before Malfoy had even realized this brutally simple mistake, Artemis Fowl was gone, leaving no evidence that he or Butler had been there.

* * *

**10.00 a.m.**

**The Great Hall**

**Ronald Weasley's Birthday, the 1st of March**

Harry glanced at his best friend, unable to stop himself from thinking. _Three down. Six to go… _

And somehow, some way, even in the midst of all this trouble and Hermione gone, one thing was constant: Ron's appetite. Harry wondered whether eating eased the empty feeling in his stomach.

"What d'you reckon?" Ron said thickly, eating his way through his pancakes.

"Sorry?" said Harry. "I didn't catch that."

Ron swallowed his pancakes. "Two purebloods and Hermione have been attacked. Think it'll be Malfoy next?"

"Maybe. I don't know. The Slytherins shouldn't have been attacked in the first place."

Ron shrugged. "I s'pose Zabini was OK, for a Slytherin. Maybe someone twigged she wasn't working for the Heir and did away with her."

"Maybe it's an insider on the Truthseekers?"

"Nah. Fowl wouldn't hurt his sidekicks, and the rest of us are Gryffindors. It's got to be Malfoy."

Harry didn't answer. Somehow he suspected that Ron was right and it really was Malfoy leaking information. Who else could it be?

"D'you think Malfoy's a Parselmouth? Fowl said the monster was a snake."

Ron paused. "It probably isn't a snake. I mean, how could a dirty great snake get around the school? Someone would've seen. And he's probably guessing you're the Heir and wants to prove it."

"No. He could be right."

"Look at it this way," Ron shovelled some more food into his mouth. "Fowl's left with no clue, nothing to do with the Heir. He comes across something Petrifying in a book and guesses it's a snake. Fowl knows you're Parselmouth and starts thinking you're the Heir."

His words were indistinct; he'd started on the tomatoes and bacon. Harry glanced over at the Slytherin table and saw both Fowl and Malfoy sending malevolent looks over at their table. Harry then realized Fowl's expression was more disgusted than malevolent. But why?

Who would be next, Harry wondered as he ate his toast. And was Ron right? Was Fowl or Malfoy the real Heir? The Slytherin attacks– were they cover-ups for his status? Had the Heir of Slytherin been working with them all this while?

Little did Harry realize that the disgusted look had been directed at Ron, who was currently stuffing his mouth so full that it looked as if it would explode.

* * *

Not long after that, Harry and Ron left the Great Hall for Potions. Apart from a few sneers and smirks from a few older Slytherins, and a 'Make way for the Heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through' from the Terrible Twins, they got there without incident.

And then Ron said he had to use the toilet.

It never occurred to Harry that Ron might be attacked; too busy was he thinking about the real Heir. But it happened anyway.

"…_Rip…Tear…Kill…"_

Harry yelled aloud, startling a couple of Slytherins nearby, who muttered and moved away. He felt a tap on his shoulder and jumped, whipping around. It was Fowl, with his bodyguard. Both looked quite irritated.

"Potter, where's Weasley?"

"What d'you want with him?" Harry cut back defensively.

Fowl looked heavenward. "Good grief. Two Slytherin purebloods have been attacked. How long did you think it would be before the Heir expanded his range? And how could you be so stupid as to leave Weasley unaccompanied?"

Harry paled. _Ron…_

There was a shout from nearby. Apparently Pansy Parkinson had stumbled across Weasley on her way to the girls' bathroom.

"I've found the Heir of Slytherin," Fowl muttered to him under his breath. "Come with me."

"But…" Harry didn't like the idea of skipping Snape's class. He'd be in detention till he turned twenty if Snape found out. "Look, it's OK for you Slytherins, but I can't just…"

"Skip class? I have a solution to that, too."

* * *

Artemis hurried Potter along to the meeting place, Butler dragging Neville on the way. Malfoy was already waiting at the North Tower, looking bored and impatient. He looked up and counted on his fingers as they approached.

"One, two, three, four. Now, why is Weaslette always absent, hmm?"

"It's not what you think," Potter said loudly. "Stop accusing Ginny of this! She'd never attack her own brother, anyway!"

Artemis rolled his eyes. Gryffindor morons…

"Maybe not," Malfoy said in a bored voice, "but the Heir of Slytherin would."

Neville intervened before the conversation erupted into a full-blown argument.

"Didn't Artemis have something to say about this?" he asked, directing a questioning look at said Fowl, who had kept quiet before then.

"Obviously. The heir of Slytherin is one Tom Marvolo Riddle." Artemis waited for them to figure it out. Tom Riddle was good with word games.

Sadly, he got no results. Everyone but Butler just stared.

Artemis sighed. "His mother, Asharys Colfer the Third, was clearly descended from Asharys the First. Asharys the First's maternal great-grandfather was cousin to the McDowells. They were connected to the Liras at one point."

"I heard about the Liras," Neville said slowly. "I…I think…never mind. Go on."

"Certainly. In any case, Lucius Lira was born to Joren and Michelle Lira. I believe Michelle was descended from," Artemis paused for effect, "Aiden Mallorn, who was great-grandson to Elyon Mallorn."

"The daughter of Slytherin?" Malfoy interrupted.

Artemis smirked. "So you caught on at last."

"So the Heir of Slytherin is a half-blood?" Neville murmured, almost to himself. Artemis nodded.

"Now, has anyone figured out what Tom Marvolo Riddle can also mean?"

Silence.

"Well?"

Nobody moved, not even Butler, who had long since been told the answer.

"I'll have to show you, it seems."

Artemis took out his cedar wand and, with a muttered incantation, it ignited at the tip. Using the fiery sparks, Artemis wrote in the air:

_TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE_

He waved his wand and the words rearranged themselves.

_I AM LORD VOLDEMORT_

"Do you see now?" Artemis said coolly.

Malfoy was the first to regain his balance. "Well. Metaphorically or literally?"

"Either way will do."

"So Voldemort's the one behind all this," Potter said.

Artemis looked hard at Malfoy. "Your father wouldn't have anything to do with this, would he?"

"NO!"

"Well, that was a quick answer, and certainly clears up how Voldemort has mysteriously returned from the half-dead. This should be impossible, at least without any sort of followers returning to him." Artemis then told them about the diary.

Potter was, as expected, skeptical. "So, you're telling me that the ghost of teenage Voldemort possesses a diary, and that he's attacking people from there?"

"He attacks people by possessing the owner of the diary and using her."

"Stop saying her," Potter said irritably. "It's not Ginny."

"But I still haven't got any leads on the location of the Chamber." Artemis looked pointedly at them all. "Potter – Malfoy – use Malfoy's Invisibility Cloak and follow me later. Butler and I are going to pay a little visit to someone."

* * *

**5.45 p.m. Greenwich Mean Time**

**Operations Booth**

To say that Captain Holly Short of the LEPRecon Unit was annoyed would be an understatement.

"So," she stated through gritted teeth, "nothing on this school of magic?"

The centaur shook his head. "Nope. Nothing but that little stint with Malfoy Manor."

"And that's _all_ a smart pony like you could find, Foaly? With all that technology? I think you are definitely losing your touch." With her arms akimbo, Holly suddenly bore a startling resemblance to Commander Julius Root.

"Well, I could get you into another 'fairy bet' if you don't keep quiet and let me do my work."

Holly fumed for a while and sat down; casting murderous looks over at Foaly.

Foaly smiled to himself, making sure to keep the grin hidden from the hot-tempered captain. The 'bet' had involved Foaly blackmailing Holly into going on a date with Trouble Kelp. It had been hilarious, especially when Holly found herself allergic to those strawberry and peanut-butter ice creams. It must've been the strawberry, Foaly decided.

"Dum de dum de dum…"

Was that steam coming out of the Captain's ears?

"Dum de dum de dum…"

Holly felt about ready to explode. Foaly was her best friend, and all, but that humming was stuck in her head, and the centaur knew it. Nothing like that tune to ruin her day.

"Dum de dum de dum…"

"FOALY!"

"Eureka!" Foaly said brightly at the exact same time.

"What?" Holly perked up, hoping against hope that the centaur had finally found something.

Foaly turned to her, a triumphant grin on his face. "I have it. Artemis Fowl just dropped out of St. Bartleby's School for Young Gentlemen."

The next thing Foaly knew, he was being steadily throttled by the LEP captain, who had an unholy gleam in her eye. "And what, pray tell, does that have to do with the price of spuds in the Spud Emporium?"

Foaly pointed at his throat and made a gagging sound. Holly heaved an exasperated sigh and dropped him, buzzing back down to normal height. "Two syllables for your techno-riddled brain to comprehend. Re. Search."

"Yes'm," Foaly said, getting back to work. "So, tell me. What happened in Malfoy Manor?"

Holly groaned. Foaly seemed to want her to relive it over and over and _over_. "You mean apart from my wings failing in the middle of nowhere?"

"No, I'm talking about the one where you sneaked into the study to get some clues as to the son's school."

"Do I have to?"

"Oh, yes," Foaly grinned.

"Honestly, Foaly, you are insufferable."

"Back on the subject, my dear."

"Fine. Well, I was scouting the perimeter and stalking the inhabitants like Root told me to do. You know, after our contact…"

"Dobby, wasn't it?"

"Well, yes. He's not exactly the brightest of bulbs, but knew enough to welcome me in properly."

"You mean screaming for help as he shut his hands in the oven door again?"

"No. Some human manservant was doing the yelling. I think Narcissa Malfoy was after him, so the poor man went screaming bloody murder and calling for help."

"Oh. Another technicality, eh, Captain Storyteller?"

"Shut up. OK. Anyway, there was this stupid chambermaid. It's just wrong to do that with a married man on top of the divan in the study, whether or not he forced you into it. Anyway, I had to put up with a lot of amorous, Frond-damned crap as I hid under that desk. Just my luck that I was still facing the sofa. You know, I think Chix Verbil would have enjoyed that show."

"Ouch," Foaly said sympathetically. "Painful."

"It was painful for the chambermaid when Malfoy's wife found out. That was certainly one hell of a catfight. And while his wife was occupied, Malfoy took another chambermaid into that study and started in on it again. I barely got in and out in time. Dobby wasn't much help."

Foaly nodded. Evidently the captain had finished her rant. "Poor you. I think you've been scarred for life."

"Foaly," Holly sighed. "I don't really need to hear that from you. At least I know Lili got lost in some place called Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Malfoy's a school governor, apparently. They're trying to get the Headmaster fired because some students there are being attacked."

"Attacked by?"

Holly scanned the notes from the study from her helmet into one of Foaly's lesser-used computers. "I found this. Speed-read, Foaly."

"Hmm." Foaly stared at the words scrolling by on the screen. "This guy appears to have used some sort of a diary to conjure a spirit to possess people to attack their friends to purge the school of 'Mudbloods'."

"Too many 'to's, my friend."

"I don't think that's the point here. Lili Frond is going to have a whale of a time dodging that attacker."

"Ahem."

The two friends turned. Root was standing in the doorway, face practically glowing red. He looked like he was going to blow a capillary or two.

"Shouldn't you be on the Castle Case, Short?"

"Yessir. I was just stopping by, sir. To check on the new wings." The wings ran on their wearer's own body energy, but had a spare, normal electrical supply if needed.

"You've stopped by, now get going!"

"Yessir," Holly muttered mutinously. "So where do I start, Commander?"

"Edge of the forest, and try for a bit of the castle. Don't do all. The Kelp brothers and LEPRetrieval One are on the case."

"Yessir."

"Stop saying yessir."

"Nossir," Holly said happily, and left quickly. It would take about two hours, give or take, to get a shuttle and then fly to the Forbidden Forest.

* * *

**7.40 p.m. GMT**

**Hagrid's Hut**

"What're you doin' here…oh…"

Artemis glared at the crossbow directed at his chest. "Now, why all the precautions, Hagrid? Do you really have to resort to shooting me?"

Hagrid lowered the bow, looking genuinely embarrassed. "Sorry, Artemis. Here, come in, come in, we'll have a cup o' tea…maybe some dandelion juice…"

"Dandelion juice?" Butler muttered out of the corner of his mouth.

"It honestly doesn't sound very appealing to me," his employer replied.

The groundskeeper's hands were shaking as he poured the tea, which here means 'large cups of boiling water', as Hagrid had forgotten the tea bags. Both Artemis's and Butler's cups went untouched.

Behind him, Artemis knew, were Potter and Malfoy, each under their respective Invisibility Cloaks. In Artemis's opinion, it had been stupid of Potter to reveal such an important secret as that. But he didn't really care; for it had given him an advantage. From the barely detectable murmurs some distance behind him, Potter was still arguing with Malfoy about what the Gryffindor considered to be 'spying on Hagrid'.

Hagrid slapped a slab of fruitcake down on Butler's plate. The manservant poked it tentatively and winced, whispering 'harder than rock' to Artemis. As Hagrid sliced his way through the fruitcake, there was a loud knock on the door.

The Keeper of Keys dropped the fruitcake into Artemis's lap. Artemis stifled a gasp. The fruitcake was indeed harder than rock, and was extremely heavy to boot. Hagrid grabbed his crossbow and flung the door open.

"Good evening, Hagrid…ah, and young Mr. Fowl, too, I see."

"Headmaster," Artemis returned the formality. The second man was dressed in a pinstriped suit, a vivid red tie, a long black cloak and violently purple boots. Perched on his head was a lime-green bowler. It hurt Artemis's eyes just to look at the man (whom Artemis recognized as Minister Fudge) and his strange mixture of clothing.

"Dumbledore, I…oh, hello there, who might you be, young man?" Fudge smiled kindly at Artemis, who returned it with a steely gaze. Fudge backpedalled slightly.

"Artemis Fowl the Second, at your service," the last part was laced with a good deal of sarcasm and mocking.

Fudge stared. "You're Fowl?" His voice was tinged with fear as he looked Artemis up and down. Was that recognition in the Minister's face…?

Artemis quirked an eyebrow. "Allow me to refresh your memory, Minister. Yes, I am indeed Artemis Fowl, and would like to know why you, despite your authority, insist on disrupting a completely harmless meeting between friends."

There was a loud, barely muffled snort at the last word. Artemis winced. Whoever had let that out was going to get it later.

"What was that?" Fudge whispered, staring fearfully around.

Artemis scrutinized the man. Definitely a slick, well-oiled politician, and a pompous one at that. Incompetence seemed to be a job requirement for Fudge.

"Nothing, Minister. It must have been our imagination."

"Y-yes…" Fudge turned back to Hagrid, slipping on a self-important mask and faking a clipped, curt voice. "I had to come," he mumbled, as if trying to convince himself. "Had to. Very bad business. Bad business indeed. Six attacks on students. Things've gone far enough. The Ministry's got to act."

"I, I never did…" Hagrid stammered.

"Then, Minister," Artemis said icily, "do explain why I, a Muggle-born, have gone unharmed despite visiting him so long – or long enough to be attacked, at least." He certainly wasn't going to give a bumbling fool like the Minister the credit for all his work, and so didn't tell him what he'd found out.

"I want it understood, Minister," Dumbledore said, eyeing Fudge, "that Hagrid has my full confidence."

The combined stares of both Artemis's and Dumbledore's blue eyes were enough to unnerve a stronger man than Fudge. As it were, Fudge shrank back slightly and continued his speech, voice shaking.

"Look, Albus," Fudge babbled, his words barely coherent, "I've got to do something. Hagrid's record's against him. Got to be seen doing something – the school governors have been in touch."

"So," Artemis said, just loud enough to be heard, "your public image is more important to you than weeding out the real culprit of these attacks? Really, Minister. I thought you had a better sense of morality and justice than to simply throw an innocent – ah, man in a prison cell for a few months."

He was supposed to be the criminal around here, but even he wouldn't send an innocent man to the Dementors. Artemis had never seen one, and hoped not to.

"It's for a short stretch only," Fudge said, smiling weakly at Artemis. "I daresay you'll have Hagrid back with you soon enough."

"Not Azkaban?" croaked Hagrid.

There was a loud rap on the door, and it was answered by Dumbledore. There was a loud gasp from behind Artemis. Moving ever so slightly, Butler elbowed the gasper in the ribs, nearly starting another gasp.

Lucius Malfoy strode into Hagrid's hut, dressed in a long black travelling cloak. His cold, satisfied smile disappeared the moment he set eyes on Artemis. Malfoy's fiery yet subtle glare was met with glacial ice, so cold that it could burn. Anyone who had met the gazes of both would have caught fire right there and then.

"So, you are the infamous _Muggle-born_," this was said with a sneer, "criminal Artemis Fowl."

Artemis returned the greeting with a brittle smile. "Yes, and I take it you are the school governor Lucius Malfoy? Your name has been constantly circulated in the seedy underworld as that of a rumoured Death Eater's. And your son, for your information, is an idiot." The young Fowl received a sharp poke in the back at this.

Mr. Malfoy did not look happy at the comments, and chose to ignore them. Artemis smirked. Fowl one, Malfoy zero.

"Get outta my house!" Hagrid half-yelled in fury.

"Please believe me, my dear man, when I say I have no pleasure at being inside – er, d'you call this a house?" Mr. Malfoy smirked. "I simply called at the school and was told that the Headmaster was here."

"And what exactly did you want with me, Lucius?" Dumbledore questioned, with an air of faux politeness.

"Dreadful thing, Dumbledore, but the governors feel it's time for you to step aside…"

"It would be interesting," Artemis interjected, "to see if your choice of a Headmaster would be competent enough to fill the position and do a better job than Professor Dumbledore. How many of the governors did you have to threaten before they agreed?"

There was a deafening silence.

Mr. Malfoy ignored the comment again, though Artemis could see a few veins popping in his head. Draco kicked Artemis in the back, nearly revealing his foot, and hissed in his ear, "What the hell d'you think you're doing, Fowl?"

"Aggravating people," Artemis muttered out of the corner of his mouth, "and if you don't shut up and listen, I'll put a Sweet-Tooth Draught in all your meals."

That shut Malfoy up. He didn't seem to like the idea of having sugary foods for all his meals (at least for him - Everyone else would have perfectly normal, salty food).

Artemis turned back to Lucius Malfoy, who was flaunting an Order of Suspension. Malfoy stopped muttering expletives in Artemis's ear long enough for Dumbledore to say, "If the governors want my removal, Lucius, I shall of course step aside."

"But…"

"NO!" growled Hagrid.

Artemis transferred his glare to the Minister. "As much as I believe this is indeed a matter for the governors, I was under the impression that the Minister has more authority than," Artemis sneered at Mr. Malfoy, "a mere school governor."

Mr. Malfoy strode over to Artemis and bent down to whisper in the boy's ear (away from Butler, of course). "A mere school governor? Then what does that make you? A common, arrogant little liar whose head is swelled by delusions of criminality and a prodigious intelligence? If I am a mere school governor, what does that make you? Let me tell you. You're nothing but a filthy little rat, son of a couple of Irish whores."

"_Allez vous faire voir_!" The French oath was audible to all. Butler frowned and started out of his chair, imagining what Malfoy could have said to incite a 'go to hell' from Artemis Fowl.

"Sir, I understand that you have the school's best interests at heart, but with all due respect, does this involve scaring the living daylights out of second-year students? It's not, if you'll excuse me, exemplary behaviour to anyone." Beneath the politeness and 'with all due respect's was an underlying threat. The fact that Butler was about three-quarters Hagrid's height helped considerably.

Even Lucius Malfoy decided that he didn't want to fight with Butler – at least, not without backup. He sneered, and, with an unnecessarily loud swish of his cloak, departed the cabin. Fudge smiled weakly and made to depart, nodding Dumbledore and Hagrid out.

Artemis called out to the Minister before he left. "Minister? It's just a small, unimportant trifle, but would you be so kind as to take some of Hagrid's cake? It is truly unique, I should say."

The Minister smiled benignly. "Why, thank you, Mr. Fowl. Such a kind gesture." He turned and left, taking a slice. Fudge started eating it a good ten feet away from the cabin. Even from there, Artemis heard the yelp of pain.

He was still smirking when Potter and Malfoy threw off their cloaks. "That was really nasty, Fowl," Malfoy said, sounding highly amused.

Artemis looked innocently at them. It didn't fool anyone.

"We have to follow the spiders, right?" Potter reminded them, pointing at a window. Some small spiders were crawling up and out of it, despite the wind. Artemis winced. He didn't like the idea, but with Butler, what could possibly happen?

"Let's go."

* * *

Oh dear, what's going to happen when Artemis finds Holly AND Aragog?

And where has Lili been all this time?

Find out next chapter.

That sounded seriously corny.

Oh, and the winner for the pairing thing is Hermione Granger…don't flame or anything because it's not the ship you wanted please. She beat Holly by three votes. That was a close shave for you non-Holly shippers. For the non-Hermione shippers, I hope you'll still continue reading. The Artemis/Hermione won't really be focused completely upon until early sixth year, so that's a few more sequels, hmm?

And the "Family Name: Third Year" JUST implemented an Arty/Hermione. But I suppose Elbereth in April's pairing will be faster than this. Artemis and Hermione…hmm…sort of reminds me of Faramir and Eowyn from TLOTR. You know, Faramir with no chance at love and Eowyn just lost any chance with the Gondorian King, and they end up together.

Artemis/Lily…impossible because she's dead AND older…but it would be interesting, because they're my two fave characters… (Lapses into thought)… I love time-travel stories… (Deep in thought.)

Bye.


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